


Incorrect Marvel Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bob's Burgers Season 07 fusion, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Is Gay, F/M, Friends Season 05 fusion, Gen, Hey Arnold fusion, M/M, One Tree Hill fusion, Total Drama Action fusion, Victorious Season 01 fusion, Will & Grace fusion, iCarly Season 03 fusion, iCarly Season 04 fusion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:42:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 32,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25966828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: A series of incorrect quotes starring our favorite AvengersIncluding, but not limited to...Ch 1: lawyer Clint Barton, designer Phil Coulson, demonically alcoholic socialite Tony Stark, and flamboyant actor Loki LaufeysonCh 2: basketball player Thor Odinson, rival half-brother Loki, tutor Tony, and a love rectangleCh 3: average student Tony, athletic bff Steve Rogers, and frenemy bf LokiCh 4-10: bffs and web stars Steve and Loki, and their producer TonyCh 11-13: talented singer Tony and his less-talented brother Bruce Banner, goth theater kid Loki, his hot theater kid boyfriend Phil, smooth keyboard player Clint, oblivious theater kid Steve, his sarcastic boyfriend Bucky Barnes, and ditzy theater kid ThorCh 14: spoiled but warm-hearted Phil, his mother hen chef best friend Loki, sweet-natured masseuse Steve, struggling actor and food lover Thor, sarcastic statistical analyst Tony, and quirky museum paleontologist ClintCh 15: teens Wanda and Pietro Maximoff, Tony, Thor, Natasha Romanoff, Darcy Lewis, Clint, Phil, Bruce, Jane Foster, Peter, Wade Wilson, Steve, Bucky, and a surprise additionCh 16: parents Tony and Loki, and their dysfunctional kids Hel, Jor, and Fenrir
Relationships: Bruce Banner & Clint Barton, Bruce Banner & Tony Stark, Bruce Banner/Betty Ross, Bruce Banner/Jane Foster, Bruce Banner/Steve Rogers, Clint Barton/Darcy Lewis, Clint Barton/Phil Coulson, Darcy Lewis & Loki, Darcy Lewis & Wanda Maximoff, Fandral/Loki (Marvel), Harley Keener & Tony Stark, Hela & Loki (Marvel), James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Jane Foster & Sif, Jane Foster/Thor, Loki & Steve Rogers, Loki/Sif (Marvel), Loki/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker/Wade Wilson, Phil Coulson/Loki, Pietro Maximoff & Wanda Maximoff, Sif/Thor (Marvel), Steve Rogers & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Thor, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Wanda Maximoff/Tony Stark
Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1428805
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	1. Source: Will & Grace

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back, baby!
> 
> Set in New York City, this focuses on the friendship between gay best friends Clint Barton (a lawyer), Phil Coulson (an interior designer), Tony Stark (a demonically alcoholic socialite), and Loki Laufeyson (a flamboyant actor).

**Alley Cats [1.21][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=22)**]

[Clint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Adler): Well, if no one wants to play with me, then I'm just going to go to my room and play with myself. By myself. I meant by myself.

[Tony says that Bruce nearly died the night before]

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): If you had invited me to dinner - which you didn't, thank you very much, busy anyway - I could have saved Bruce's life. I know [CPR](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cardiopulmonary_resuscitation).

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): You do?

Loki: Yeah. I had to do it on the Allfather when I told him I was gay - although I think that just confused him even more.

**Guess Who's Not Coming to Dinner? [2.01][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=2)] **

[Bruce](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Truman): I got a call from my friend at the I.N.S. yesterday, and apparently the marriage between a 30-year-old gay man and a postmenopausal Salvadoran maid flagged something in their computer.

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): Okay, are we done yet?

Bruce: No. Look, they're gonna start making random visits to verify that Loki and Jarvis are a real married couple. So, since their official residence is listed as your place, I think the best thing would be for Loki to move into your penthouse.

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): [in [Zsa Zsa Gabor](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Zsa_Zsa_Gabor) voice] I just adore a penthouse view! Ooh, my very own sexless marriage. Just like Bruce and Clint.

Bruce: No, not like Bruce and Clint. We don't even live together anymore. He’s got his own apartment.

Loki: Eight dysfunctional feet away.

Tony: Lord, they're like Siamese twins who are joined at their boring personalities.

**Election [2.02][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=3)] **

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): [to Loki] Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and sometimes bad things happen to you.

[Tony loses Loki's bird, Phoenix]

Tony: Oh, honey, what can I do? Do you want another bird?

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): No! How can you even ask me that? When my grandmother died, did you buy me another racist dowager with a purse full of diabetic candy?

**Das Boob [2.03][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=4)] **

[Loki finds out that Bruce slept with his ex-boyfriend]

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): Commandment number one in the gay bible: Thou shalt not covet my ex's ass!

[Bruce](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Truman): Is that from the Book of Genesissy?

**To Serve and Disinfect [2.06][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=7)] **

[Loki has accidentally slammed the door onto Clint's face.]

[Clint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Adler): Ow! You crushed my nose. [exits]

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): Sorry! If it's broken, we'll get it fixed. [to Bruce] For the second time.

Clint: [sticking his head through the window] I heard that, you bitch. And this nose has never been touched.

Loki: I'm sorry, sir, you can pick up your fries at the next window. [to Bruce] Guess what? I've been promoted to captain at my catering company, and tonight I'm supervising an event at the Waldorf-Astoria. I will have eight men under me. How great is that?

[Bruce](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Truman): Eight men? What'd you do, write the Gay Make A Wish Foundation?

**Homo for the Holidays [2.07][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_2\)&action=edit&section=8)] **

[Clint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Adler): Well, you've come on a good night. Loki's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Loki's gay.

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): How could she not know? What is she, headless?

Frigga: [in response to Loki telling her he is gay] Looking back on it...there have been clues. When you were a child, you were overly fond of the nursery rhyme "Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub". And you do have a lot of flamboyantly gay friends. I mean, look at Bruce!

**New Bruce City [3.01][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_3\)&action=edit&section=2)] **

[Clint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Adler): Last night in bed I called Sam "Ben". To cover I stretched it out into "Bend over"...and I ended up doing something I never wanna do again.

[Bruce](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Truman): Good thing Ben's name isn't "Pee-Wee".

Clint: [to Bruce] My love for you is like this scar. Ugly, but permanent.

**Love Plus One [3.06][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_3\)&action=edit&section=7)] **

[Clint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Adler): We went out a couple of years ago. It was...interesting.

[Bruce](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Truman): He’s being modest; it was terrible. For six weeks they fought like cats.

Clint: Yeah, but we made up like dogs.

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): Oh my God, I love TV. [Buffy](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer) is my life! I'm so into [Willow](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willow_Rosenberg) being a lez.

**Lows in the Mid-Eighties Part 1 [3.08][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_3\)&action=edit&section=9)] **

[Bruce finds Loki taking clothes from his closet]

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): Hi.

[Bruce](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Truman): What are you doing in the closet?

Loki: I could ask the same of you.

**Lows in the Mid-Eighties Part 2 [3.09][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_3\)&action=edit&section=10)] **

[Loki and Tony are talking to Jemma, who doesn't realize that her boyfriend Phil is gay]

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): Ah cripes, honey, let me give it to you in a nutshell. Your boyfriend is a big, flaming, feather-wearing, man-kissing, disco-dancing... [takes a sip of her drink] Vermont-living, [Christina Aguilera](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Christina_Aguilera)-loving, Mykonos-going... [to Loki] Honey, take it on home.

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): Phil’s queer, dear.

Tony: Merry Christmas!

**Coffee and Commitment [3.11][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_3\)&action=edit&section=12)] **

[Loki comes in hopped up on coffee, sipping an iced coffee and talking fast]

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): Hey friends, lovers, mothers, and other strangers! You are never going to believe what happened to me. [trips] Oh, my God, did you see that? I almost did a half-nelson. I almost bruised my delicates, my delicates, my domo arigatos, mister tomatoes. [pulls out second iced coffee from bag] Huge news! I have met — are you ready for this? Mister Right. Well, Mister Right Now anyway, ba-da-bum. Goodnight folks, I’m here all week! Loki 2000! [sips] He works over at the Jumpin’ Java. You know, that coffee shop over on 72nd, and his name is Scott. He is cute with a capital Q! And the busier it gets, the hotter he gets; and the hotter he gets, the sweatier he gets; and the sweatier he gets...I forgot where I am going with this, but the point is...[sips] Me likey he and he likey me, and the best part is — shazam! He gives me free ice coffee every time I go in, which is every hour on the hour and, thank you very much, and occasionally on the half hour. Ba-da-da-da-da-da! [spits tongue]

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): Honey, if it'll help you, I'll kick coffee too! It won't be easy, but every morning I'll just have to get used to drinking my Bailey's straight. It'll still be the best part of waking up!

**Alice Doesn't Lisp Here Anymore [3.22][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_3\)&action=edit&section=23)] **

[Clint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Adler): You know how every school has that girl all the other kids make fun of? Bad at sports, a little overweight, friends with the lunch ladies?

[Bruce](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Truman): I was that girl.

**Stakin' Care of Business [4.11][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=11)] **

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): Oh, honey. You have a dream. You know, I had a dream too. To be rich and beautiful and have a great body. Oh, look, my dream came true!

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): I couldn't help overhearing...because I was standing here listening.

**Cheatin' Trouble Blues [4.19][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=19)] **

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): I'll never forget it. My fellow office workers and I were heading down to lunch, and, suddenly...The lights went out, the elevator dropped, and... [Dennis Hopper](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dennis_Hopper) said he would kill us all if his demands weren't met. I thank God [Keanu Reeves](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keanu_Reeves) was there to get us out. [cries.]

Loki: Tony, that wasn't you, that was the opening scene of [Speed](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Speed_\(film\))!

Tony: Oh. You know, that movie was not at all what was advertised. You think you're going to see a feel-good movie about amphetamines, and, suddenly, you're on a bus? Wh— ?

**Wedding Balls [4.22][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=22)] **

[Tony is showing Loki a card trick.]

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): Is this your card? [Holds up a card]

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): No.

Tony: Is this your card? [Holds up another card]

Loki: No.

Tony: Is this your card? [Holds up another card]

Loki: No.

Tony: Is this your card? [Holds up another card]

Loki: No.

Tony: Is this your card? [Holds up another card]

Loki: I can't remember.

**Hocus Focus [4.24][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=24)] **

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): Honey, you say potato, I say vodka.

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): You don't get to have ideas. This show is called "That Old Loki Magic," not "That Old Assistant's Magic."

Tony: Oh! Old? Well, how do you know that? There are parts of me that were just a twinkle in a scientist's eye three weeks ago. Besides, I was just trying to help.

Loki: You wanna help? Then remember your place. You're the assistant...and let's not forget where that word comes from — Latin, meaning "ass of an ant." So, keep your ideas to yourself and assist. It shouldn't be that hard. It's what you do. Get it? [ leaves the room]

Tony: I'm gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off.

[Clint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Adler): What's up with the wine?

[Bruce](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Truman): Mrs. Hill from downstairs gave it to me. It's actually a wonderful story. She and her husband were saving it for a special occasion, but then he, uh, died before they had a chance to open it, so she gave it to me and said, "Make your own special occasion." [pause] I guess that story's not so much wonderful as it is incredibly sad.

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): You know what else is incredibly sad? Poor people with big dreams. Actually, that's not so much sad as it is incredibly funny.

Bruce: You know, we should do this. We should save that wine for a special occasion. You know, something where—where, the four of us have all done something that we're incredibly proud of. You know, we can wait 20 years if we need to... Ah, screw it, open it. I wanna have a buzz for the movies.

Clint: One step ahead of you. I never gave a crap about Mr. Hill.

**And The Horse He Rode In On [5.01][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=2)] **

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): Sex is a drug, Tony. I should know; I'm a licensed dealer.

**The Kid Stays Out of the Picture [5.03][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=4)] **

Clint: Admit it. You're happiest when I'm miserable. I mean, come on. Isn't that our thing? Because then you don't have to look at how miserable you are.

[Bruce](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Truman): Shut up, Clint!

Clint: But I am not gonna be miserable for you. I am gonna try to be happy, and if you can't deal with that, then you are even more pathetic than I thought!

Bruce: Get out of here.

Clint: Go to hell!

Bruce: No, I mean it - I want you out of here in two weeks! You don't live here anymore.

**Humongous Growth [5.04][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=5)] **

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): I don't know how much longer I can live with Bruce. Every time I get in the shower with him, he's like "Loki, get the hell out of here!"

[Clint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Adler): Eew. Eew. I think I just stepped in a puddle of throw-up. Throw-up makes me throw up.

[Bruce](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Truman): Quit jumping. You're gonna have two puddles.

Clint: Please look. Is that throw-up?

Bruce: Look for yourself! I'm not your vomit-looker.

**Marry Me A Little [5.08][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=9)] **

[Bruce](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Truman): Phil, great. And Clint, best of luck.

[Clint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Adler): Best of luck? Well thanks for coming to my Bat Mitzvah, Uncle Hochum! Have a safe drive back to Syosset!

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): I don't know what half those words meant.

**All About Christmas Eve [5.11][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=12)] **

[Bruce and Clint get out of a foul-smelling cab]

[Clint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Adler): That was intense. What was that?

[Bruce](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Truman): That wasn't B.O. That was B.O.-My God!

Clint: What is the scent of that guy's air freshener, onion, and feet?

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): Lokes, look at all this food. We are so blessed.

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): I know. There are poor people who dream their whole lives of a meal like this.

Tony: Oh, I know what we should do! Let's take a picture of ourselves eating it and send it to them!

**Homojo [5.15][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=16)] **

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): Anthony, throughout all my struggles, you've constantly been partially there for me. Is there anything I can pretend to do for you now?

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): Now that you mention it, there is. There's one more box of my personal effects left at the manse. It's mostly personal stuff: photos, birthday cards, the receipt I got from Jarvis' parents when they sold him to me. Could you...?

Loki: What are you saying? Would I like to spend a few unsupervised hours rummaging through your closet? Does a gay bear have anonymous sex in the woods?

**Dolls and Dolls [5.21][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=22)] **

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): [knocks on the washing machine door glass] Where are the fish?

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): No, Lokes. It is a laundromat. People come here to clean their clothes. Then they reuse them.

Loki: Why, poor people are just plain clever. I wonder, why they can't figure out a way to make more money?

Steve: So, I had this apartment to myself for 10 years because I was having an affair with my boss and he paid half the rent, so he'd have some place nice to do it. But then he got murdered and I couldn't really afford it on my own. So, what's your story?

Tony: Since my marriage ended, I've been living at The Palace, and even though I've made a lot of swell friends... it's lonely. [she tries to pour a soda into a glass without opening it] I want a real home, with real people. I mean you're real, right?

Steve: [opens and pours the soda as Tony looks in awe] Super real. So, okay, true or false? I'm easy to live with.

Tony: Um, true.

Steve: False! I'm a nitpicker supreme. I think it comes from all my years as a professional in the music biz.

Tony: You're in music?

Steve: I didn't want to put it on the ad because you get all these wannabees knocking on the door. I'm an office manager for the company that does those collections that you see on TV. You know "Hits of the ‘80s", "Ladies of the ‘80s", "Rock Ballads of the ‘80s"... [pause] "The ‘90s"...

Tony: Well I can see why you'd want to keep that a secret Steve. I mean you must really never know if people are liking you for you or the ‘80s hits.

Steve: You should know that I like things done a certain way; just ask Sam and Hope. They work under me. Like if they're 5 minutes late for work, I look at my watch, I look at them and they just get it. Oh my God I totally just bragged. Please tell me to shut up... cut to me still talking about myself.

Tony: Um, Steve, I know we haven't known each other very long but I think that you might be just about the most interesting person I've ever met... I could learn tons from you.

Steve: Okay, okay, true or false... I think you're great?

Tony: Um, false.

Steve: True!

Tony: Oh, this game is so hard!

**24 [5.24][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=25)] **

[Clint is torn between going on a luxurious vacation with Tony and Loki, and going on a grueling Doctors Without Borders assignment with Phil]

Phil: Why don't you go? I love you, but let's face it: The idea of you doing something selfless is a joke.

[Clint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Adler): I love that you get me!

**Dames at Sea [6.01][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_6\)&action=edit&section=2)] **

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): Well, this is just great. When we get to Saint Bart's I am buying myself an EPT, and if that stick is blue, I am not going through this alone! Not again!

[Clint finds a steamy letter that Phil's colleague wrote him; Tony and Loki are trying to calm him down]

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Will_Truman): You're keyed up over nothing. It's just a letter.

Loki: [nods] It's just a letter. He's not going to respond to that. I, myself, have written him several letters, all unspeakably filthy, and all I got was a wink and a smile.

**Last Ex to Brooklyn [6.02][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_6\)&action=edit&section=3)]**

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): I like you. Wanna make out?

Loki: I like you too. Let's see where the evening goes.

Phil: So, you and Bruce...

Loki: Yep, me and Bruce...

Phil: And, uh, me and you...

Loki: Yep, me and you...and maybe later me and Tony!

**Home Court Disadvantage [6.03][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_6\)&action=edit&section=4)]**

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): Loki Laufeyson, with your pants so tight, won't you be my partner tonight?

Loki: Ooh, I would be honored.

Phil: You think we can take 'em?

[Clint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Adler): Please. Between the two of us, we've got eight feet on them.

Tony: I hate Phil. Yeah.

Clint: What?

Tony: Yep. Hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. He's dull, he's ugly, and he don't make me laugh.

Clint: And you're telling me this now?

Tony: Well, I would have said something before, but that just would have been hurtful!

**Ice Cream Balls [6.13][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_6\)&action=edit&section=14)]**

Fandral: [to Bruce, about Loki] I want you to set us up. I want him to be the lord of my ring.

**Looking for Mr. Good Enough [6.14][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_6\)&action=edit&section=15)]**

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): A woman on the elevator said we were a cute couple!

Fandral: Well, it was more like, "Stop making out or the fires of Hell Tony consume you."

Loki: It's just an expression, like, "We don't want your kind in our neighborhood," or "There he is - get him!"

**Flip-Flop Part 1 [6.15][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_6\)&action=edit&section=16)]**

Fandral: I'm impressed that you're working with patients already.

[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_McFarland): Thanks. Although, as a student nurse, I can't technically touch them, treat them or care for them. But I can look kindly at them and be thankful I'm not them.

Fandral: And that's the best medicine of all.

**I Do [6.23][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_6\)&action=edit&section=24)]**

[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Walker_\(Will_%26_Grace\)): Pietro wanted me to walk down the aisle to "[Here Comes the Bride](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridal_Chorus)". But I told him that, ever since I was a little boy, I dreamed that, at my fourth wedding, I would walk down to aisle to "[Sympathy for the Devil](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sympathy_for_the_Devil)" by the [Rolling Stones](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Rolling_Stones). And he went for it.

Loki: That's great, Anthony. But I thought you were saving "Sympathy for the Devil" for your fifth wedding.

Tony: No, that would just be in bad taste. The fifth wedding is traditionally "[Smack My Bitch Up](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smack_My_Bitch_Up)" by [Prodigy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Prodigy).

**Oh, No, You D-int [6.24][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_6\)&action=edit&section=25)]**

Wanda: Oh, Pietro, too bad our father isn't alive to see this!

Pietro: He isn't?

Wanda: Oh, damn, I knew there was something I was supposed to tell you!

**FYI: I hurt, too [7.01][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_7\)&action=edit&section=2)]**

Clint: You know, the old Clint would have done this [smacks his hand onto Thor's forehead.] But now, I just have this new serenity thanks to Mr. Kabbalah.

Tony: He's not a person! He's not like Mr. Peanut.

Thor: Uh, Mr. Peanut is not a person, Tony.

Jane: He's a legume.

Tony: He doesn't want to talk to you, dude.

Phil: "Dude"?

Tony: I get pretty straight when I'm angry.

**Back Up, Dancer [7.02][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_7\)&action=edit&section=3)]**

Loki: You know, this is a relationship. If a crew member goes overboard, the ship sinks.

Tony: No. it doesn't. That's a terrible metaphor.

Loki: You're a terrible metaphor!

Tony: That's a comeback?

Loki: You're a comeback!

**Key Party [7.05][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_7\)&action=edit&section=6)]**

Loki: I think I know what my boyfriend [Tony] likes. We've been going out for six months.

Clint: I've known him for, like, 20 years. We've had phone calls that lasted six months.

Loki: I'm in a committed relationship with him.

Clint: So am I.

Loki: I've shaved his ears.

Clint: I've shaved his legs.

Loki: I've seen him naked.

Clint: I've seen him naked and crying.

Loki: Yeah, well, I've slept with him.

Phil: [to Clint] They were nice enough people, but those goodbyes were weird. When I went to hug Loki's brother, he put his hands on my ass. It was really uncomfortable.

Loki: You stood there for, like, 10 minutes. I had to pull you off him!

Phil: Yeah, well, we're guests. I didn't want to be rude.

**Steams Like Old Times [8.04][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_8\)&action=edit&section=5)]**

Phil: Loki, I know two ways to get a guy to call me "friend". One is to attach a car battery to his nipples, and the other is to buy him a fine Italian suit.

Loki: Do I have to choose?

**Love is in the Airplane [8.06][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_8\)&action=edit&section=7)]**

Thor: Loki, it doesn't matter how you look. He cares about you, not about your clothes.

Loki: Are you kidding?

Thor: I know, even as I said it, I didn't believe it.

**Swish Out of Water [8.08][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_8\)&action=edit&section=9)]**

Tony: Well, I did it. Today I stuck it to The Man!

Loki: Finally. That was a long dry spell.

**A Little Christmas Queer [8.09][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_8\)&action=edit&section=10)]**

Loki: [to Tony] I can't wait to meet your gay nephew.

Natasha: You guys think everyone is gay. Peter’s only nine. It's no big deal that he went as Wonder Woman on Halloween.

Tony: He didn't go as Wonder Woman, Nat. He went as [Lynda Carter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lynda_Carter).

**I Love L. Gay [8.14][**[ **edit**](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_8\)&action=edit&section=15)]

Loki: Thanks a lot, Anthony! I took your advice and tried to be a father to Hela, and we got into a fight! She said I wasn't her real father and she stormed off!

Tony: Oh, honey, she didn't mean it. Peter and Harley say horrible things about me...and sometimes to the police!

**Phil Expectations [8.16][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_8\)&action=edit&section=17)]**

Clint: Hey, what's in the bag, fag?

Tony: Oh. Muffins from Loki. Do you think it's weird that he got them by cutting in line and then lying about needing them for his dying mother?

Steve: No, not at all, Tony. I mean, that's the same way we used to get bread and juice during the Great Depre...Eighties.

**The Finale Part 1 [8.23][[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Will_%26_Grace_\(season_8\)&action=edit&section=24)]**

Phil: Have another drink.

Clint: Have another donut.

Phil: Fag!

Clint: Hag!

Phil: Screw you.

Clint: You wish.

Phil: You couldn't!

Clint: Because you're hideous!

[Tony and Loki are talking to each other on the phone.]

Tony: Hey, Lokes.

Loki: Hey, Anthony. What's the story, drunken whorey?

Tony: Well, we need to do something to get Clint and Phil back together. Honey, it's been almost two years.

Loki: Well, why does it always fall on us to help those two?

Tony: I know, Loki Doki. Y’know, sometimes it seems like our sole purpose in life is just to serve Clint and Phil.

Loki: Right! It's like all people see when they look at us are the supporting players on the Clint and Phil Show!

Tony: Though, to be fair, we couldn't have our own show. We're good for poops and giggles, but it'd get silly after a while.


	2. Source: One Tree Hill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talented basketball player Thor Odinson is a rival to his half-brother Loki Laufeyson, who just wants to be accepted. Loki falls for his tutor and Thor's best friend, Tony Stark. And some sort of a love rectangle forms between Tony, Loki, Thor, and Natasha... with Sif ambling to the side.

**_Pilot_ [1.01]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=One_Tree_Hill_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=2)]

 **Tony:** So, Loki challenged you. Are you gonna play him?

 **Thor:** I don't know. It's not like I have anything to prove.

 **Tony:** But don't you just want to show him sometimes -- oh, damn! _[A flock of birds flies in front of Thor and Tony]_

 **Tony:** What is up?! I was attacked a flock of crows last week! I'm totally serious!

 **Thor:** By the way, it's a murder.

 **Tony:** What?

 **Thor:** More than one crow is a murder.

 **Tony:** I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

 **Thor:** A parliament of owls, an exultation of larks, a murder of crows.

 **Tony:** I think that is why people think you're weird, right there. _[Chuckles]_

 **Thor:** I would like to show him sometimes, though, what a mistake he's made.

 **Tony:** Odin?

 **Thor:** Mostly for mom... And... Sometimes for me.

 **Tony:** So, Point Break, what are ravens -- I mean, more than one?

 **Thor:** An unkindness.

* * *

**Thor:** Can I ask you a question?

 **Sif:** It's a free country.

 **Thor:** Why are you a cheerleader? No offense or anything, but you're about the least cheery person I now.

* * *

**Thor:** Come on. Let me give you a ride. I'll let you insult me.

 **Sif:** First of all, you don't know me. Second of all, you don't know me. God, why are guys such jerks?!

* * *

**Thor:** _[to Sif, after winning the match against Loki]_ I'll be seeing you.

* * *

**_The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most_ [1.02]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=One_Tree_Hill_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=3)]

 **[Sif](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peyton_Sawyer)** : Do you wanna come in?

 **[Thor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucas_Scott)** : What about Loki?

 **Sif** : What about him? _[Thor follows her to the door]_ What are you doing?

 **Thor** : You just said ...

 **Sif** : I didn't invite you to come in. I just asked you if you want to. Thanks for the ride.

* * *

**Fury** : There's no shame in being afraid. Hell, we're all afraid. What you gotta do is figure out what you're afraid of because when you put a face on it, you can beat it. Better yet, you can use it.

* * *

**Sif** : Unbelievable!

 **[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nathan_Scott)** : What? Sif, did you see how bad he sucked tonight?

 **Sif** : So?

 **Loki** : He was horrible! I've never seen a guy play so bad.

 **Sif** : And you enjoyed that?

 **Loki** : Hell yeah. Didn't you? What is this, Sif? You like this guy or something?

 **Sif** : You mean more than my boyfriend who I'm trying to make out with right now?

 **Loki** : Well, put some ice on it. You ever think I might want to talk?

 **Sif** : No, you don't. You want to celebrate a public humiliation. And I'm sorry. That's a little played out.

 **Loki** : Oh, and being with you isn't?

* * *

**Sif** : I want to draw something that means something to someone. You know, I want to draw blind faith or a fading summer or just a moment of clarity. It’s like when you go and you see a really great band live for the first time, you know, and nobody’s saying it but everybody’s thinking it: "We have something to believe in again." I want to draw that feeling. But I can’t. And if I can’t be great at it then I don’t want to ruin it. It’s too important to me.

* * *

**[Thor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucas_Scott)** : I didn’t want to be like him, and I was afraid that I’d become him if I played. In the gym, I felt like he had a piece of me. I never felt like that on the playground.

 **[Frigga](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Roe)** : Well, I’d say he’s taken enough from us. I took the night off to watch my son play again. The way that he used to when he loved the game more than anything.

* * *

**_Are You True?_ [1.03]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=One_Tree_Hill_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=4)]

 **[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nathan_Scott)** : Hey!

 **[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haley_James_Scott)** : Can I help you?

 **Loki** : I hope so. You're my tutor.

 **Tony** : Right, I don't think so.

 **Loki** : You're Tony Stark, right?

 **Tony** : I'm sorry. I'm best friends with Thor.

 **Loki** : Well, then I'm sorry too.

 **Tony** : Forget it, I'll find you someone else.

 **Loki** : Look, there _is_ no one else. All right? I'd be fine with it if there was.

 **Tony** : If there were.

 **Loki** : See, you're helping me already.

 **Tony** : Look, I can't help you. And on top of that, I _won't_ help you. Okay?

* * *

**Tony** : Do you see this book? Because this book is me. I am math.

 **Loki** : What's that supposed to mean?

 **Tony** : It's supposed to mean that you can work your whole "I'm Loki Laufeyson, Mr. Big Shot, scoring my touchdowns" on somebody else, because -

 **Loki** : I don't even play football.

 **Tony** : Whatever. The point is, at the end of the day all your bluster and BS don't mean anything to math because math don't care, and neither do I.

 **Loki** : Well, does English care? 'Cause I really suck at that, too.

 **Tony** : Please don't waste my time. I'm already taking a huge chance on you because my instincts are screaming that you're full of sh... Let's just get started, okay?

* * *

**[Thor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucas_Scott)** : Oh, I think you got the wrong car.

 **[Natasha](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brooke_Davis)** : Nah. Don’t mind me. I just have to get out of this uniform. So, uh, anyways, I’m Natasha. But you probably knew that. Can I tell you that that last shot was awesome? How’d it feel? Good, huh? You know it did.

* * *

**Thor** : _[Throws a can of spray paint at Loki]_ You left that at the court.

 **Loki** : I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 **Thor** : You'll need that to paint over your title in the gym 'cause I’m taking it.

* * *

**_Crash Into You_ [1.04]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=One_Tree_Hill_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=5)]

 **[Thor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucas_Scott)** : So I'm confused. You want to be anonymous and you let the world watch you on a web cam.

 **[Sif](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peyton_Sawyer)** : The world isn't watching me... but I guess you are.

 **Thor** : Okay, the point is.... you want to express yourself, but you don't want people to know it's you.

 **Sif** : I guess I'm just a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch.

 **Thor** : Or maybe just a tortured artist.

 **Sif** : Look, I don't need you defending me and my work. I don't need you analyzing it or interpreting me either. And in fact, I'm pretty sure I don’t need you at all.

 **Thor** : Pretty sure?

* * *

**Sif** : How's the tutoring going? You're tutoring Loki, right? It's ok. He tells me everything.

 **[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haley_James_Scott)** : Yeah, he said he needed some help.

 **Sif** : Maybe you could teach him to stop being such a jackass.

 **Tony** : I will put that on the lesson plan.

 **Sif** : Just be careful, OK?

 **Tony** : Yeah, sure.

 **Sif** : Does Thor know you're helping Loki? _[Tony looks at her in disgust]_ You know, you say a lot when you keep your mouth shut. It's okay. I'll keep mine shut, too.

* * *

**Tony** : Yeah, this is my house. Um... we're staying here while we renovate the mansion.

 **[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nathan_Scott)** : _[Laughs]_ It's not like I was trying to show off.

 **Tony** : Wasn't that your default setting? Sorry.

* * *

**Thor** : So, if anything were going on with you... anything important or weird, or confusing... I mean, you could still be honest with me about that, right?

 **Tony** : Yeah, of course.

 **Thor** : _[He tosses his hat on the counter]_ You left that in Sif’s car.

* * *

**Sif** : It’s not about the car. It’s about you. I finally saw you clearly for the first time last night. The way you treated me, the way you treated Clint, the way you treated your brother.

 **Loki** : Don’t call him that.

 **Sif** : And the way you’re playing that tutor of yours.

 **Loki** : What? Are you talking about Tony? Is that what this is about? Sif, he means nothing.

 **Sif** : Okay, if that’s the case, then you’re an ass. And even if he does mean something, you’re still an ass, and what’s really sad, Loki, is that you’re too stupid to get that. So, thank you for being such an amazing son of a bitch last night. You really made this a no-brainer.

 **Loki** : I'll call you when you're not so PMS.

* * *

**_All That You Can't Leave Behind_ (aka Where I End And You Begin) [1.05]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=One_Tree_Hill_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=6)]

 **[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nathan_Scott)** : You know, me and Sif broke up.

 **[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haley_James_Scott)** : Sif and I.

 **Loki** : What, she broke up with you, too? I just, I didn't know she was gonna take it this hard. She went off on Natasha at practice. I'm kinda worried about her.

 **Tony** : Well, maybe you should have worried more about her when you were together. I'm sorry, but come on, it's true.

 **Loki** : No, you don't know the first thing about Sif and I.

 **Tony** : Me and Sif.

 **Loki** : Whatever.

* * *

**[Thor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucas_Scott)** : I saw you with him.

 **Tony** : Who, Loki? God, he got a good grade on that math quiz. It was nothing.

 **Thor** : I want to believe you, Tony. I do. But I don’t think you’re telling the truth.

 **Tony** : I am telling the truth, Thor. There’s nothing going on. _[Thor sees the bracelet that Loki gave him]_

 **Thor** : Nice bracelet.

* * *

**Tony** : _[to Thor]_ So… support me! When I’m tutoring someone, and they get it, and that light goes on, I feel good! I feel worthy. The same way that you feel when you play basketball. Besides, haven't things gotten better for you? The team’s left you alone, the hazings stopped? Yeah. So, that’s worth the risk for me. What’s not worth the risk is us. We’re friends, and that is important to me.

* * *

**_Every Night Is Another Story_ [1.06]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=One_Tree_Hill_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=7)]

 **[Natasha](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brooke_Davis)** : Did you see that?

 **[Sif](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peyton_Sawyer)** : What?

 **Natasha** : Loki just gave him the nod.

 **Sif** : What nod?

 **Natasha** : The "lets hook up after the game" nod. _[Pause]_ Wanna know what I think? I think Loki likes tutor boy. But I think tutor boy likes Thor. And I know _I_ like Thor. And I don't know who the hell you like anymore. This is all turning into one big love... rectangle plus one, whatever that is...

* * *

**Natasha** : _[after taking pain medication]_ That’s perfect. Natasha can come with us!

 **[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haley_James_Scott)** : _[to Sif]_ Yeah, she named me Natasha.

 **Natasha** : Sif, can he come? Please? Sif, please!

 **Sif** : Just don’t touch the stereo. Or we’ll have a problem.

 **Natasha** : Road trip! _[Throws her pompoms]_ We’re going on a road trip! We’re going on a road trip!

* * *

**[Thor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucas_Scott)** : So, this Tony thing… you know, for some reason, he feels like you’re not full of crap. Don’t take advantage of that.

 **[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nathan_Scott)** : I’m not going to.

 **Thor** : I know you’re not. Because if you do, you’re going to live to regret it.

 **Loki** : Bring it on. Hey, listen. Look, man, you didn’t have to get in that car when those guys grabbed me. Especially after you warned me not to.

 **Thor** : Right, whatever. You know the way I see it, I mean, if they would’ve taken you out, who the hell else am I gonna have to fight with, right?

 **Loki** : Same person I have.

* * *

**Loki** : I remember this one summer, I was playing little league baseball, and I was the pitcher, and Odin was the coach. Anyway, this kid, Fandral, he was a great hitter. Everything he hit was a home run. So, you know, he got up to the plate and there was nobody on base, so I just walked him. Four straight pitches, nothing even close to a strike. So, my dad calls a timeout, comes to the mound, and I’m thinking he’s gonna say like, smart move or good thinking son, something like that. But instead... instead he grabs me by the arm, and he kicks me in the ass as hard as he can. I mean, he literally took me by the arm so that I wouldn’t like, go flying, he kicked me so hard. Then he brought Stevie Rogers in to pitch, sat me on the bench, never mentioned it again.

 **Thor** : That sucks.

 **Loki** : Yeah. So just think about that the next time you’re feeling sorry for yourself.

* * *

**_Life In A Glass House_ [1.07]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=One_Tree_Hill_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=8)]

 **[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nathan_Scott)** : Why is the coach so easy with you, Feelielski?

 **[Phil](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jake_Jagielski)** : We party together.

 **[Clint](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Smith_\(One_Tree_Hill\))** : Maybe they're lovers.

 **Loki** : _[to Clint]_ Why? Did you two break up?

* * *

**[Laufey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deb_Scott)** : She's young enough to be your daughter. And in this town, she might just be.

 **[Odin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_Scott)** : Ouch!

 **Laufey** : Sorry, couldn't resist.

* * *

**[Natasha](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brooke_Davis)** : We have a hot tub.

 **[Thor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucas_Scott)** : Natasha, I...

 **Natasha** : We have a naked me in the hot tub.

 **Thor** : What if I told you there was someone else?

 **Natasha** : Well, then normally I'd suggest a threesome.

* * *

**_The Search For Something More_ [1.08]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=One_Tree_Hill_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=9)]

 **Clint:** Hey Loki, what's up man?

_[looks at Tony]_

**[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nathan_Scott)** : Hey guys, you know Tony. He’s my tutor...

 **Clint:** This looks a lot like a date to me.

 **Loki** : No man, definitely not.

 **Clint:** All right, see you later.

_[leaves]_

**Loki** : I'm sorry about that...

 **[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haley_James_Scott)** : _[cutting Loki off]_ Are you embarrassed to be seen with me? And why are you only nice to me when we're alone?

 **Loki** : It's just...

 **Tony** : You know, for an hour you almost got me to believe that you're not a son of a bitch but, God, you fooled me again.

* * *

_[Loki is outside Tony's house throwing rocks at a window, Tony walks up behind him]_

**Tony** : Trying to wake up my parents? That's their room...

 **Loki** : _[runs over to Tony]_ Wait, Tony, look, I need to apologize, okay?

 **Tony** : You should buy 'em in bulk if you're gonna hand apologies out that often.

 **Loki** : Look will you just... I don't know how to do this all right...? I'm... I'm not like you

 **Tony** : What does that mean?

 **Loki** : All right, I screw up a lot, all right... and being around you, I just...I don't wanna be that guy anymore.

 **Tony** : Well, who do you wanna be, Loki?

 **Loki** : I wanna be somebody who's good enough to be seen with you.

 **Tony** : You should've thought of that last night... You know I keep... I keep putting myself out there and you keep blowing it and it's probably a good thing because at this point there is nothing that you can say or do that's gonna surprise me.

_[Loki kisses him]_

**Tony** : Except that. You shouldn't have done that, Loki.

 **Loki** : But I wanted to.

 **Tony** : Yeah.

_[jumps onto Loki and starts kissing him]_

* * *

**[Natasha](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brooke_Davis)** : What's your idea of your perfect date?

 **Tony** : Watching you get hit by a bus.

 **Natasha** : And a sense of humor. Loki’s really lucky.

* * *

**[Thor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucas_Scott)** : So why'd you call me, anyway? Why not Loki or one of the guys?

 **Natasha** : Because I knew you'd come through.

* * *

**_With Arms Outstretched_ [1.09]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=One_Tree_Hill_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=10)]

 **[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nathan_Scott)** : A month ago, did you think we'd be alone in your bedroom?

 **[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haley_James_Scott)** : Oh, but we're not alone in my bedroom. We have the forefathers with us.

 **Loki** : They can watch.

 **Tony** : Loki, can you just get serious for a minute?

 **Loki** : Oh, I'm serious. Come here.

_[He pulls Tony next to him and they start to kiss]_

* * *

**Loki** : _[to Tony]_ When I fell to the floor tonight, I was so scared, I was so terrified. Then I saw you, and I promised myself that if I could just get up, I'd walk over to you... I'd tell you how much I need you and how much I want you... and how nothing else matters.

* * *

**[Sif](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peyton_Sawyer)** : Thor, I made a mistake. When you said you wanted to be with me, I got... I got scared, and I pushed you away, but-

 **[Thor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucas_Scott)** : Sif-

 **Sif** : But the truth is, I want all the same things that you want, I do... and I want them with you.

* * *

**_You've Got To Go There To Come Back_ [1.10]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=One_Tree_Hill_\(Season_1\)&action=edit&section=11)]

 **[Thor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucas_Scott)** : It's not that hard. Sif and I just don't make sense as a couple. She said so herself.

 **[Tony](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haley_James_Scott)** : And then took it back!

 **Thor** : What are you, her lawyer?

 **Tony** : I'm just... look, I've seen Sif really try to make an effort to turn things around. It just sucks she got bit the first time she reached out to somebody, you know?

 **Thor** : Tony, I'm not the bad guy here, okay? Sif's just too...hard.

 **Tony** : Unlike Natasha, who I understand, is nice and easy.

 **Thor** : Excuse me. She makes me laugh. She's honest. She's not afraid to be herself. Plus, she's not covered head to toe in issues.

* * *

**Tony** : If my parents come home, I'm going to act like I have amnesia, so don't freak out if I pretend not to know you.

_[They both laugh]_

**Loki** : Look I think I should get back to the madness, but, hey, if I could, I'd stay like this all day.

 **Tony** : OK. Loki, about last night...

 **Loki** : Hey, it's not about sex with me, alright? When you're ready, I'll be ready, too.

* * *

**[Fury](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coach_Whitey_Durham)** : _[to Loki]_ Nice to see you vertical. How ya feeling?

 **[Loki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nathan_Scott)** : Same as always. What's this all about? _[Hands him the basketball canceled paper]_

 **Fury** : Seems to me we've lost track about what this game is supposed to be about, myself included. Now I want you to take this time and think about why we're really out there. 'Til then no practice.

 **Clint:** This sucks!

 **Phil** : Speak for yourself. Fury just did me a favor.

 **Loki** : Yeah, me too.


	3. Source: Hey, Arnold!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it just me or is Helga/Arnold's relationship a younger, animated parallel to Loki/Tony?
> 
> The height differences; Tony's forgiveness; Tony's absentee parent(s); Loki's abusive dad... I'm seeing a LOT of similarities here...

** A Day in the Life of a Classroom[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=3) ** ] **

**Loki** : I'd rather watch paint dry.

* * *

 **Loki** : Let's go practice being spontaneous.

* * *

** DUM-E Come Home[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=4) ** ] **

**Tony** : _[to DUM-E at night]_ Y’know boy, you’re more fun than a hundred dogs put together.

* * *

[April Fools' Day](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/April_Fools%27_Day)[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=5)]

 **Loki** : Thanks, Tony. I really appreciate all that you've done for me. You know, except the part where you made me go blind.

* * *

_[Tony is carrying "blind" Loki across the street and a taxicab is speeding towards them]_

**Loki** : Tony, look out for that cab!

_[Tony jumps and they land on the sidewalk]_

**Loki** : Tony, are we alive?

 **Tony** : We're fine.

 **Loki** : Whew. Good thing I saw — uh, I mean — smelled that cab coming.

 **Tony** : You _smelled_ the cab?

 **Loki** : Yeah, you know how it is when you lose one of your senses. The others just kind of kick into overdrive. _[sniffs Tony]_ Speaking of which, you might want to try a stronger deodorant, iron man.

* * *

 **Loki** : _[thinks when he dances with Tony]_ I'm actually dancing cheek-to-cheek with Anthony! He's holding me tight, his hair smells yummy... Oh, who am I kid din'?! I love this guy! Maybe I should stop torturing him? Nah, this is way too much fun!

* * *

 ** Tony Visits Vision[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=10) ** ] **

**Nebula** : It means weird, and that's a major understatement. I mean, the boy's wearing pajamas for heaven's sake.

 **Thor** : And look, there have little bears on them!

 **Bucky:** Boy howdy, talk about embarrassing!

_[Tony blushes]_

* * *

**Laura** : Oh, most luminous orb in indigo sky, looketh you upon my ideal guy. Oh all-knowing lunar sphere taunting from above, whilst thou never guide me to my one true love- _[is cut off by Tony tripping over her]_

 **Tony** : _[smiles instantly]_ Hi.

 **Laura** : Hello.

 **Tony** : Do I know you?

 **Laura** : I don't think so.

* * *

 **Tony** : I've never met anyone like you, Laura, and I really like you a lot.

_[Note: Laura is Loki’s female version, therefore Tony actually does like the "real" Loki.]_

* * *

** Tony's Reactor[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=13) ** ] **

**Loki** : I need that cute, stupid, iron man's reactor! Oh... Did I just say that out loud?

* * *

 **Frigga** : Loki? The door's locked, honey, what are you doing in there?

 **Loki** : Nothing.

 **Frigga** : Oh... okay.

* * *

 **Loki** : All I wanted was the reactor... and world domination, but for right now, just the reactor. Is that too much to ask?

* * *

 **Loki** : Did you happen to see a collection of seemingly useless junk randomly arranged behind a curtain in my closet for no apparent reason?

 **Frigga** : Ah huh, dear. I threw it all out.

 **Loki** : WHAT!?

* * *

 **Loki** : Who said you could touch Me!

* * *

** Beaned[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=17) ** ] **

**Loki** : _[Thinking after Tony picks a daisy for him]_ Anthony just gave me a flower! I think I'm gonna die!

* * *

 **Loki** : What is this clear wall blocking us from outside?

 **Tony** : It's a door. I'll get it for you.

* * *

 **Loki** : Whatever is this contraption, Andrew?

 **Tony** : It's a water fountain. You drink from it. _[Loki pushes the button and water comes out]_

 **Loki** : I like to drink.

* * *

** Odin's Crisis[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=20) ** ] **

**Tony** : Are you okay, Loki?

 **Loki** : Oh, I'm just peachy. Odin's joining some wacky spiritual group, brain-washed Frigga and Thor, and is planning to take us all to Oregon to live in a hut, out in nature to sing songs and eat bark.

* * *

** Buses, Bikes, and Subways[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=24) ** ] **

_[After Loki discovers a payphone nearby]_

**Loki** : _[to Thor]_ So how much money do you got? _[Thor shows Loki two quarters in his hand]_ Enough for a call to Mom and one to Odin. Hello, Mom! It's me, Loki! I'm stuck at the cherry pie factory with a moron. The school bus left us here and we don't have any way to get back. Oh, please pick up, Frigga. _[Loki hangs up the phone]_

 **Thor** : _[dials the pay phone]_ Hello? Daddy, it's me, Thor.

 **Caesar** : I never heard of you! Don't call me again!

 **Thor** : _[hangs up phone]_ Dialed the wrong number.

 **Loki** : Just brilliant. You don't even know our own phone number.

* * *

 **Loki** : Everything that happened today was your fault. You can't do anything right! Take the bus for example. Why do you think we missed it, Thor? Oh, let's see, hmm... maybe it was because you were too busy eating twice your body weight in Cherry pie Num-Nums! Oh, how about this one? Let's take the subway, I think it goes to Lincoln. Oh wait, no it doesn't, it goes straight to the bowels of the underworld!! Population homicidal, toothless, midget clowns!! I know, let's steal their bike, they won't mind. Now, you'd think that would be enough to fill any moron's day, but you're not just any moron, are you, Thor? You're the king!! Your day's just getting started. So, because of your amazing curiosity about the world around us, you pulled the plug out of the bottom of our getaway boat!!! You idiot.

* * *

 ** Peter[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=26) ** ] **

**Peter** : I need cherry pie, where's the cherry pie, I gotta have cherry pie...

* * *

** Cool Party[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=29) ** ] **

**Thor** : I bet Nebula thinks I'm a geek because I'm fat and loud and OBNOXIOUS!

 **Bucky:** I bet she thinks I'm a geek because of my huge nose!

 **Steve** : It's not _that_ huge, Buck.

 **Bucky:** Thanks, Steve, but you're just saying that because you've got the biggest honker in the whole city. No offense.

 **Steve** : None taken.

* * *

 **Thor** : _[After hearing Pepper's explanation of a geek]_ Bite the head off of a chicken?!

 **Starlord** : But that's totally unfair! None of us bite off chicken heads... well, except for Rocket.

 **Rocket** : Yeah! And that was just the one time!

* * *

_[the kids are thinking of ideas for something to do]_

**Thor** : I say we all go over and crash Nebula's party and eat all her food!

 **Kids** : YEAH!!!

 **Loki** : Well, _I_ say we get a carload of horse manure and leave it on her porch!

 **Kids** : YEAH!!!

 **Rocket** : I say we paint ourselves with tiger stripes, and go free all the animals in the zoo!

_[Everyone stares at him]_

**Loki** : _[sarcastically]_ Fine, Rocket. We'll meet you there in an hour. _[Rocket runs away cackling]_ Poor twisted little freak.

* * *

 **Steve** : Hey, Tony! Back from the cool party already?

 **Tony** : Yeah. Basically it stunk. So I left.

 **Steve** : Wanna go do something?

 **Tony** : But I thought you had plans tonight?

 **Steve** : Nah, I just made that up so you wouldn't feel bad about goin' to Nebula's party. You wanna go throw rocks at a dumpster with Loki?

 **Tony** : Sure.

* * *

** Crush on Teacher[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=31) ** ] **

**Bruce** : Why are you reading this junk? _[teases]_ Oh, right, you have a crush on Miss Gigante...

 **Tony** : I like poetry, it has nothing to do with her.

 **Bruce** : Right. Later, man.

_[Bruce walks away]_

**Tony** : Oh soft, what light from yonder window breaks? It is the east... _[Bruce pauses]_ ... and... Sofia Gigante is the sun.

 **Bruce** : _[In disgust]_ That's it, now I'm pukin'.

* * *

 **Tony** : _[To Miss Gigante after Bruce’s voice is heard through the walkie talkie that is in Tony's pants]_ Sometimes my pants... they talk.

* * *

 **Tony** : You set a beautiful table, my fair señorita.

 **Miss Gigante** : Muchas gracias.

 **Tony** : Aw, enchilada.

* * *

** Rocket Snaps[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=32) ** ] **

_[Behind the lockers]_

**Tony** : I think Rocket's finally snapped.

 **Rhodey** : No kidding.

_[In the bathroom]_

**Bucky:** You guys, Rocket's snapped. He's throwing kickballs at Principal Goodman. My kickballs!

_[In the halls]_

**Loki** : Hahaha. It's finally happened. Our demented Rocket has gone over the edge.

_[In the halls]_

**Steve** : Rocket? Snapped? How terrible. Terribly sad.

_[In the library]_

**Hope** : There's a grand brouhaha outside Principal Goodman's office. LET'S GO!

* * *

** Hall Monitor[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=64) ** ] **

**Bruce** : You know that monster truck show this afternoon? Wish we could go.

 **Tony** : Can't, got detention.

 **Bruce** : Yeah, me, too. Look at these! One for walking too fast, one for walking too slow, one for turning a corner too sharply, one for turning too wide, one for squeaky shoes, one for suspiciously quiet shoes. And these are from this morning. _[Tosses them on the floor]_

_[Pepper writes another ticket and gives it to Bruce]_

**Bruce** : What's this for?

 **Pepper** : One for littering.

* * *

_[Pepper has just given Loki a detention ticket]_

**Loki** : Pepper, get real. Loki Laufeyson doesn't do detentions. Besides, I've got tickets to the monster truck show. I was gonna take you.

 **Pepper** : No, you get real, Laufeyson. You're the one who told me not to let anyone push me around. Well, I'm not letting anyone push me around, and that includes you. And one more thing, I _despise_ monster truck shows.

 **Loki** : When I told you not to let anyone push you around, I didn't mean me!

* * *

 **Loki** : You're a controlling, hall monitoring bully!

 **Pepper** : You say that like it's a bad thing.

 **Loki** : Pepper, over the last week, you've screamed at kids in the halls, you've rationed water at the drinking fountain...you've given out more tickets than a lottery! I mean, look around! Half of our class is sitting here in detention!

 **Pepper** : So, what? I'm just acting like you.

* * *

** Heat[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=70) ** ] **

**Ice Cream Man** : Haven't you ever heard of supply and demand?

 **Loki** : Well, I _demand_ that you _supply_ me with some ice cream before I knock your teeth out!

* * *

** Loki's Makeover[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=78) ** ] **

**Singing Thor** : Loki's not a boy, Loki's not a boy! (Boys repeat Thor singing "Loki's Not a Boy".)

 **Loki** : That's it,... (hits Bucky with a baseball glove) you're... dead! (Thor screams) (to Thor) COME BACK HERE, YOU BEAST!

* * *

[ **Hey Tony!: The Movie** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Hey_Arnold!:_The_Movie) ** [ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=82) ** ] **

**Tony:** I need to go lie down.

 **Loki:** I'll go with you!

* * *

 **Thanos:** And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for that meddling iron boy, that kid who keeps tearing off his shirt, and that brat with all the green.

 **Loki:** Ah, tell it to the judge, donut hole.

* * *

** Married[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=88) ** ] **

**Tony:** You are the most beautiful girl in the world. Your eyes are like shining diamonds.

 **Loki:** Aww, go on.

 **Tony:** All right, I'll stop.

 **Loki:** No, I mean go on, go on.

* * *

 **Shuri** : Oh, Tony, I'm oh so sorry! I know you're on your honeymoon, it's just that I can't deny my feelings anymore. I know that you loved me once, and I've realized that I love you too, just ever so much!

 **Tony** : Shuri, please! You know I'm married to Loki, the one true love of my life. I liked you like that once, but that's over. Now I just like you, understand? I like you.

 **Shuri** : Oh, but Tony!

 **Loki** : You heard him, sister! _[Pushes Shuri's boat away, it leaks and begins sinking]_

 **Shuri** : I'll win you back, Tony, I'll win you back, somehow. Wait...I just remembered; I can't swim...

* * *

** Mud Bowl[ ** [ **edit** ](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=93) ** ] **

**Loki:** 97

_[Kids groan while doing push-ups.]_

**Loki:** 98

_[Kids groan while doing push-ups.]_

**Loki:** 99! Come on! Get up! Walk it off. Let's go! We're going to practice everyday until I start seeing some improvement. And let's start thinking positively, think like winners, you bunch of losers.

_[Thor vomits]_

**Loki:** Any questions?

 **Thor:** Ahh, I just throw up my protein drink! _Vomits again_

* * *

**Operation Ruthless[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=99)]**

**Pepper** : Err, Loki, just one question...

 **Loki** : What?! Are you implying that I have some sort of ulterior motive? That I'm after this Hope person because she happens to be the object of some other kid's affections? Some certain young man that I may have my _own_ obsessive affection for? Is _that_ your question? Is _that_ your question?!

 **Pepper** : _[dryly]_ No, actually, I was gonna ask you which way to the bathroom.

 **Loki** : Oh...

* * *

**Summer Love[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=125)]**

**Loki:** What the heck is going on here?? I'm gone for two LOUSY minutes and some bimbo is moving in on my territory! Well, fat chance I'm gonna let that happen. Tony is gonna be mine, this vacation and no little beach chippie is gonna come between us!

* * *

 **Tony:** Sorry I didn't listen to you Loki, I guess you were really just trying to be my friend.

 **Loki:** And well I figured it was the right thing to do; I mean she was taking advantage of you and I couldn't just- well hey what the heck are we standing here talking for? We’ve got a competition to win; come on!

* * *

**Suspended[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=126)]**

**Loki** : _[when he saw a D+ on his paper]_ Oh, I hate school. I wish I never have to go to school again!

 **Tony** : Come on, Lokes, it's not that bad.

 **Loki** : Yes, it is! We're trapped in here day after day, doing boring stuff, and standing in line for cold crappy food that they don't even give me time to eat! _[pounds his fists on his desk]_ Oh, I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I just wish there was some way to get out of school and get to stay home and be free!

* * *

 **Principal Goodman** : Yes? Oh! Thank you, Loki. You’re right, I should have this fire extinguisher refilled immediately. It’s not safe, otherwise. Thank you though. Now run along to your class.

 **Loki** : Hey! That stupid dork was supposed to suspend me!

 **Principal Goodman** : _[he heard Loki; walks out of his office; offended]_ Mr. Laufeyson, did you just call me a stupid dork?

 **Loki** : No, no, no, no! _[realizes he could be suspended for doing that]_ I mean yes. Yes, I did call you a stupid dork!

 **Principal Goodman** : That’s a violation against the school constitution Article 34, Section C, Paragraph 2. You’re suspended.

* * *

_[Tony and Loki approach]_

**Principal Goodman** : What the devil's wrong with you two? You're not supposed to be within a hundred yards of this school!

 **Loki** : With all due respect, _sir_ , according to the school constitution, article 14, section 2, paragraph 5, we are fully within our rights.

 **Tony** : And it says here in, uh, a-article 39, section 4, w-when a student gets suspended, he can repeal it if there are... outside [circumcisions](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/circumcision)!

 **Loki** : [Correcting Tony] ...stances.

 **Tony** : ...stances! Outside circumstances!

 **Loki** : And we have here 40 pages of the material explaining why we have the rights to be back into school. Under article 39, we would like a review of our case by an outside agency.

 **Principal Goodman:** You boys make a very impressive case. The only problem is that you're talking about an outdated school constitution from 1956. This is the current constitution, and there is nothing in here about any appeals, that's for sure.

* * *

_[After Principal Goodman lifts Loki's suspension]_

**Tony** : Thanks, Principal Goodman. _[Starts to follow Loki into the school]_

 **Principal Goodman** : Wait a minute, where are _you_ going? _[Tony stops]_

 **Tony** : Huh?

 **Principal Goodman** : I didn't say anything about lifting _your_ suspension.

 **Tony** : But Principal Goodman, I--

 **Principal Goodman** : Just kidding! Now run along!

* * *

**The Flood[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Hey_Arnold!&action=edit&section=133)]**

**Thor** _[crying]:_ I'm so close to the food! So close and yet so far away!

 **Loki** _[to Thor]:_ Aw, put a sock in it! The rest of us can't live off our bulk like you can.

 **Mr. Fury** _[to Loki]:_ Young man, I'm warning you!

 **Loki:** What are you gonna do, make me stay after school?!

 **Steve:** Loki, you're just too dang ornery!

 **Loki:** Here's how much I care what you think! _snaps finger_

 **Tony** (stops the Loki and Steve's fight): Loki, as long as we're here, we should try and get along.

 **Loki:** _(Sarcastically)_ You're, right, Anthony. _(to Steve)_ Hey, would you like some dessert? _(Flicks green Jell-O from his spoon)_

 **Steve:** Oh, _(throws the green Jell-O. Loki ducks, and it hits Tony. Nebula laughs until she gets Jell-O thrown at her. The food fight spreads to the whole cafeteria)_

* * *


	4. Source: iThink They Kissed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve learns a secret about Tony and Loki

**Loki:** Aw, what's the big chiz? It's normal for teeth to fall out.  
 **Steve:** Yeah, when you're _five_.  
 **Tony:** Or _ninety!_  
 **Steve:** How long has it been since you've been to the dentist?  
 **Loki:** I dunno, two... twelve years. 

**Steve:** You're supposed to go every 6 months.  
 **Loki:** Yeah, well I'll add _that_ to my list of things that'll never happen. 

**Thor:** Hey, you guys, Which one of these shirts do you think I should wear tomorrow?  
 **Steve:** To where?  
 **Thor:** Prison.  
 **Tony:** Prison?  
 **Steve:** Oh my God, what did you download?  
 **Thor:** _[laughs]_ Nothing! _[thinks for a second]_ Yeah, nothing. 

**Thor:** Hey, what's on this corn? Barbecue sauce?  
 **Tony** : Loki’s blood.  
 _[Thor shrieks and throws the corn]_

**Steve:** _[referencing Loki]_ He hasn't been to a dentist since... He hasn't _been_ to a dentist.

  
 **Thor:** As I was saying, I'm gonna teach you about sculpting, which of course is art. Now I think of art as a physical expression of emotion! So let's start by talking about the emotions you are feeling right now!  
 **Loki:** Stabbing!  
 **Thor:** Stabbing... isn't really an emotion, it's more of an... activity. _[Does a stabbing motion with his hand]_ Which I hope you don't do it to me... See, an emotion is more of a feeling!  
 **Loki:** Well maybe I feel _stabby_!  
 **Thor:** _[changes the subject nervously]_ So sculpting... 

_[Loki is under the influence of nitrous oxide, aka 'laughing gas', making him loopier than usual]_  
 **Loki:** Man, it's gone.  
 **Steve:** What's gone?  
 **Loki:** My thumb, it was there a second ago.  


**Loki:** I want to tell you a secret.  
 **Steve:** Okay.  
 **Loki:** Come here.  
 **Steve:** I'm already here. What's the secret?  
 **Loki:** _[whispers]_ I like fried chicken.  
 **Steve** : It's not a secret that you like fried chicken.  
 **Loki:** I know, I got scared to tell you my real secret.  
 **Steve** : Just tell me!

 **Loki:** Okay. Come here.

 **Steve:** I already come-hered!  
 **Loki:** You know that kid, Tony?  
 **Steve** : _[laughing]_ Yes, I know Tony.  
 **Loki:** _[whispering]_ We kissed.  
 _[Steve's face changes from happy to shocked.]_  
 **Steve** : What?  
 **Loki:** Me and Tony kissed! You know ... _[making kissing sounds]_  
 **Steve** : YOU AND TONY REALLY KISSED!?  
 **Loki:** Ssshhh! _[laughing]_ Don't tell Steve!  


**Steve** _[to Thor]_ **:** LOKI AND TONY KISSED!  
 **Thor:** Hey, calm down...  
 **Steve:** _Never_ tell me to calm down when I’m hyped up!

 **Thor:** _[after Steve hits him]_ You know, most guys have to get married to suffer this kind of abuse... 

**Tony** : _[singing]_ I like the way you touch my head. So why would you choose him instead? _[intense look on his face]_ Girl who cuts my hair. 

**Steve:** Then he started saying some pretty ... weird stuff.  
 **Tony:** Weird how?  
 **Steve:** Like ... he thought her thumb was missing.

 **Tony:** Was it?

 **Steve:** _[frustrated]_ No! And ... then ... he said that you two kissed  
 **Tony:** So, he really thought his thumb was missing? That's so crazy...  
 **Steve:** _And_ , he said you two _kissed_!  
 **Tony:** Uh... I'm comin', J!  
 **Steve:** Jarvis didn't call you!  
 **Tony:** I heard the whistle!  
 **Steve:** Is what Loki said true?  
 **Tony:** _No_. I'm sure he has both his thumbs!  
 **Steve:** Did you and Loki kiss?  
 _[Tony runs to try to escape but Steve tackles him to the ground and pins him]_  
 **Steve** : _Tell me_!!  
 **Tony** : _No_!  
 _[Tony reverses the pin and pins Steve to the ground]_  
 **Steve** : _Whoa_ , when did you get so strong?  
 **Tony** : _Sam time the voice got lower_!  
 **Steve** : Did you and Loki kiss?  
 **Tony** : Okay… yes, it's true... Loki and I kissed.  
 **Steve** : Oh, my God!  
 _[Tony helps Steve to his feet]_  
 **Tony** : I was bummed about never kissing anyone, and I was out on the balcony and Loki came out... he said he never kissed anyone either and we ended up kissing!  
 **Steve** : _[yells]_ _Oh, my God_!  
 **Tony** : It was just one time ... except for that other time... but that might've been Loki’s twin brother. I'm still fuzzy on the whole shapeshifter thing.  
 **Steve** : You guys are my best friends! How come neither one of you told me?  
 **Tony** : We promised each other we'd never speak of it again. _[yells]_ Oh, man, _I’ve been speaking of it again_!!!  
 **Steve:** I'm calling Loki right now!  
 **Tony:** No!!! If you tell Lokes I told you, he'll kick me in places that should never be kicked!

_[Loki is no longer loopy]_  
 **Steve** : We're best friends, right?  
 **Loki:** Of course.  
 **Steve** : And best friends don't keep secrets from each other, do they?  
 **Loki:** Why? What'd you do?? Is it bad? _Did you finally do something bad_??!! Holy crab, I love this!  
 **Steve:** I didn't do anything bad...

 **Loki:** Then why are you keeping a secret?

 **Steve:** I'm not the one keeping secrets.  
 **Loki:** _[pauses]_ Alright, you can have your 20 bucks back. _[takes $20 out of his pocket]_  
 **Steve:** What 20 bucks?  
 **Loki:** That I took out of your backpack.  
 **Steve:** _[takes the wallet out of his bag and looks into it]_ Loki!  
 **Loki:** Well, at least it's not a secret anymore!  
 **Steve:** That wasn't the secret I was talking about!  
 **Loki:** So, I can keep the $20?

 **Steve:** _[takes the money out of Loki´s hand]_ No! _[steps back]_ Why didn't you tell me you and Tony kissed?!

 **Loki:** _[embarrassed and lost for words]'_ Uh...  
 **Tony** : _[opens the door with a cable in hand]_ Hey, can I run upstairs for a sec and install these ca...  
 **Loki:** (begin enraged) You spoke of it!  
 **Tony** : _Ahhhhhh_! _[throws cable in air and runs into the hall]_ Leave me alone, Lokes. NO! Argh! Lemme go!  
 **Loki:** (outraged) _[follows Tony, carries him back in, and throws him onto the couch. He then locks the door]_ You swore you'd never tell anyone we kissed!  
 **Tony:** I didn't!  
 **Steve:** (shouting) You told me!  
 **Loki:** I didn't tell you any-!  
 **Steve:** Yes, you did when you were all hopped on wacky gas!  
 **Loki:** (realizing his error and sullen) Oh.  
  


 **Steve:** You know, I tell you guys everything. So, it feels me like, betrayed that my two best friends made out, and they...  
 **Loki:** We didn't make out.  
 **Tony:** It wasn't like that.

_[Steve, Loki, and Tony are all duct-taped to chairs]_  
 **Tony:** _Why_ did you tell them where the duct tape was?  
 **Steve:** I don't know! I was trying to be helpful!  
 **Loki:** Yeah, you helped them alright.  
 **Steve:** It's Tony's fault! When you see prisoners escaping, you don't announce that you're going to call the cops! _[trying to imitate Tony]_ "Well you do realize we have to call the police."

  
 **Loki:** Man, this duct tape is really strong!  
 **Tony:** I hate being restricted!  
 **Steve:** Don't worry. Soon, we'll all be free, and then I'll turn my back, and you guys can resume kissing behind it!

**Steve** : How long was it?  
 **Loki:** What?  
 **Steve** : How long did you guys kiss?  
 _[Loki and Tony look at each other]_  
 **Tony** : I dunno.  
 **Loki:** Like, seven seconds.  
 **Tony** : Seven... Eight.  
 **Steve** : Oh. And was it fun?  
 **Loki:** Fun?  
 **Steve** : Yeah... I mean, did you guys... you know... like it?  
 **Sam and Tony** : _[look at each other but do not answer. Thor suddenly bursts into the room]_  
 **Thor:** _Steve_! Where's my banjo?  
 **Steve:** Over there by your robot, but --  
 **Thor:** Yeah! Woo!  
 **Loki:** Why do you need your banjo all of a sudden?  
 **Thor: '** Cause I was just across the street at that Armenian bakery and I met this girl that was buying some Lamajune, so I started chatting her up and turns out she loves banjo music. _[Plays a short tune on the banjo]_  
 **Thor:** She's gonna freak!  
 _[Thor runs out the room, leaving Steve, Sam, and Tony_ still _duct-taped to the chairs.]_


	5. Source: iOMG

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Tony try to get Loki and Darcy together

**Bruce:** _[Referring to the lock-in]_ Yeah it's fun, unless you happen to fall asleep and _[shouts]_ Loki draws something on your forehead!  
**Darcy:** What did he draw on your forehead?  
**Bruce:** _[Quickly]_ You don’t need to know.  
**Loki:** Would you forget about that already?  
**Bruce:** _[Loudly]_ I can’t! You took pictures! That’ll live on the Internet; _Forever_!  
**Loki:** It wasn’t that bad.  
**Bruce:** Not that bad? _[yells] Read the comments_!  
**Steve:** It _was_ a pretty accurate drawing…

(Old Spice Parody)  
**Steve:** Look at us.  
**Loki:** Now back at Bruce. _[Camera pans to Bruce, then back to Steve and Loki]_  
**Steve:** Now back at us.  
**Loki:** Now back at Bruce. _[Camera quickly pans back and forth between Bruce and Steve/Loki]_  
**Steve** His hands are full of tuna fish salad. _[Bruce holds up a ball of tuna fish salad]_  
**Steve:** Now look down.  
**Loki:** Back up.  
**Steve:** Look out of your window.  
**Loki:** Think about cheese.  
**Steve:** Stop thinking about cheese.  
**Loki:** Your webshow isn't as good as this webshow...  
**Steve:** But your webshow can smell like this webshow...  
**Loki:** If you have a Bruce...  
**Steve:** Holding a large blob of tuna fish salad.  
**Bruce:** I'm on a cow.  
_[Cow prop makes sheep noise]_

**Loki:** Botswana!  
**Steve:** Botswana!  
**Steve and Loki:** Bots-bots Botswana!

**Steve** : _[To Darcy]_ And Loki doesn't give out a lot of compliments  
**Tony** : Usually it's insults followed by beatings

**Loki** : Hey! can I work with you guys on your project?  
**Tony** : _[Puzzled]_ You're asking if you can _help_ us?  
**Loki** : Yeah.  
**Tony** : With a _school_ project?  
**Loki** : I think it sounds really interesting.  
**Tony** : _[Feels Loki's arm]_ Feels like Loki...  
**Steve** : _[Smells Loki's hair]_ Smells like Loki...  
**Loki** : Can I help you guys or what?  
**Tony** : Uh, sure you can help.  
**Darcy** : I'll bring my fudge!  
**Loki** : I'll bring my mouth!

**Principal Fury:** _[Voice on intercom]_ Warning: If you fall asleep, the school is not responsible for anything that Loki Laufeyson might draw on your foreheads. Study hard and prosper.

**Loki:** Why'd you do that?  
**Tony:** _[Smells guacamole suspiciously]_ What did you put in the guac?

**Tony** :Okay, what's up with you?  
**Loki:** What do you mean?  
**Tony:** _[Firmly]_ You have been nice and helpful and considerate _all_ day - what's your game?  
**Loki:** _[Flatly]_ No game. _[Tony stares]_ Why don't we get on with the project...  
**Tony:** _[Relenting]_ Okay.  
**Loki:** Okay.  
**Tony:** Okay.  
**Loki:** Okay.  
**Tony:** Okay.  
**Loki:** Okay.

**Steve:** You can't kiss and snuggle with ham.  
**Loki:** _[Kisses his sandwich and puts it against his face]_ Oh. Oh ham!

 **Steve:** You can't bury your love in ham!  
**Loki:** I can try!

**Bruce:** _[English accent]_ It wears the blindfold if it wants to be fed.  
**Thor:** Stop doing that accent, it's creeping me out.

**Bruce:** What's science ever done for me?

**Steve:** You've seen the Animal Channel! The... _[leads Tony away; hushed tone]_ the horses.  
_[Tony shakes his head cluelessly]_  
**Steve:** When they want two horses to... y'know... _date..._ They put them in the same barn together, and then they, like... turn the barn lights down...

 _[Tony stares dumbly, teasing Steve]_  
**Steve:** _[shakes Tony in frustration]_ Oh, you know what I'm talking about, why are you making _me_ say it?!  
**Tony:** So, we get Loki and Darcy—take 'em to a _barn_?  
**Steve:** Stop it! This is important!

  
**Tony:** But if Loki won't even admit that he likes her, how are we gonna get 'em to--

  
**Bruce:** _[walking away]_ Sure. Always make Bruce clean the vomit out of the sensory stimulus chamber.

**Loki:** So, how'd you learn to make fudge?  
**Darcy:** My great grandma taught me.  
**Loki:** She was a good woman, Darcy.  
**Darcy:** She's still alive.  
**Loki:** Even better.

**Steve:** _[insistently]_ I just want you to be happy...  
**Loki:** _[slowly]_ Then bake me a pie! _[leaves]_  
**Bruce:** I love pie.  
**Steve:** Bruce!

**Tony:** _[pops his head through the door]_ Yo-Yo!  
**Loki** : Steve send you to find me?  
**Tony** : _[goes outside, closes the door]_ Nope  
**Loki** : Oh so you don't know we had a little argument?  
**Tony** : _[leans against the wall]_ He told me about your little argument. I just said he didn't tell me to come find you  
**Loki** : Good!  
**Tony** : But Steve's right!  
**Loki:** _[groans]_  
**Tony** : Groan all you want!  
**Loki** : I don't care what your stupid pear app says about me being in love. I'm not into Darcy like that!  
**Tony** : _[stands up straight and walks over to Loki]_ Lately, every time I tell you that Darcy and I are doing something together, you wanna come hang with us.  
**Loki** : And that means I'm in love with her?  
**Tony** : Well you hate me!  
**Loki** : _[quietly]_ I never said I hate you.  
**Tony** : _[high voice] Yeah you have!_ _[voice back to normal]_ Like 900 times. I still have the birthday card you gave me that says "happy birthday I hate you. _Hate Loki!_ "  
**Loki** : _[frustrated]_ Just _leeeeeaaaave!_  
**Tony** : Fine. I'll _leeeeeaaaave!_  
**Loki** : Bye!  
**Tony** : But before I go...  
**Loki** : _[Snaps. Gets up and points to the door]_ That's it. Get outta here before I do a double fist dance on your face!  
**Tony** : You can threaten your double fist face dancing all you want. But Steve's still right. _[more gently]_ Look, I know it's scary to put your feelings out there. 'Cause you never know if the person you like is gonna like you back. Everyone feels that way. But you never know, what might happen if you don't....  
_[Loki pulls Tony closer and shuts him up by kissing him for about 11 seconds; Steve sees them from the window]_  
**Tony** : _[after the kiss. In shock]_ I...Wh..  
**Loki** : _[with an impassive face]_ Sorry.  
**Tony** : It's cool.  
_[Silence as Steve stares at them in shock as episode ends]_


	6. Source: iSpeed Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony, Loki, and Steve struggle to find dates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The iCarly episodes - despite being from the same show - are unrelated

**Loki** : And speaking of guys Steve _doesn't_ want to go out with, ladies and gentlemen, Anthopoli Stark!  
**Tony** : _[holds up a bag of bacon]_ Boys who are rude to me don't get a bag of bacon.  
**Loki** : _[quickly]_ Whoa, Tony, I never realized what a hot, handsome hunk of a boy you really are. _[grabs the bacon]_  
**Tony** : _[satisfied]_ Better.

**Tony** _[to Loki and Steve]_ : So what's up?  
**Loki** : Steve spit in Starlord’s eye, so he doesn't wanna go to the dance with him.  
**Tony** : Huh?  
**Steve** : Peter turned me down 'cause he already has a date.  
**Tony** : So you didn't spit in his eye?  
**Steve** : No I did. My DNA's all over his cornea.

**Wanda:** _[to Tony]_ Well, think about choosing me, if you want a magical night! _[claps twice, and disappears in a cloud of smoke]_  
_[Bruce poofs up without a shirt on, holding a banana]_  
**Tony** : Bruce, How did you--  
**Bruce** : I have no idea…whose banana is this?

**Thor** : I follow iSteve.  
**Steve** : _[shocked]_ Loki tweeted it?!

**Loki** : If a guy wants a date with _papa_ , he should ask me. And pay for it. Or he can just give me the money and stay out of my life.

**Steve** : You're in trouble!  
**Loki** : Who has urine trouble?

**Steve** : I'm not going to use our web show to beg for boys. So, I'd rather be alone and crotchety.  
**Loki** : _[snickers]_ Crotchety. It's funny 'cause it sounds wrong.

_[Loki handcuffs Steve to a chair and duct-tapes his mouth]_  
**Loki** : _[pointing at Steve's duct-taped face]_ C'mon! Who wouldn't want to go out with _this_!?  
_[Steve is unable to make any objections, but he squeals his obvious disapproval of Loki's idea to the audience]_

**Steve** : I can't believe you embarrassed me like that in front of the whole web!  
**Loki** : Well, if you didn't want me to do it, then why didn't you say something?  
**Steve** : You duct-taped my mouth shut!  
**Loki** : Come on, you might get a really cool guy!  
**Steve** : Or a psychopath with a chainsaw!

**Sam** : Hi, I'm Sam Wilson.  
**Steve** : Hey, I'm Steve and listen, I'm sorry about this. I had no idea that Loki was gonna even have this contest and then I thought, you know, maybe 10 or 15 guys would show up here. I had no idea there'd be this many, and I know it's not fair to only give you 15 seconds, but just do your best and we'll see how it goes.  
**Sam** : Okay, well—- _[timer goes off]_  
**Steve** : Whoops, sorry. Time's up. Next!

**Thor** : So, you wanna take Steve to the dance?

 **Clint** : I'd rather just make out with him.  
**Thor** : _Next_!

**Phil** : I'm Phil.  
**Tony** : Tony. So tell me about you, Philip.  
**Phil** : Well, I collect fishing lures, my bedtime is 9:30, and guys usually don't like me because I have an odd odor.  
**Tony** : You know, I think you might be perfect for Steve. 

**Tony** _[to a good-looking guy]_ You're a male model?  
**Brock Rumlow** : Well, I was, but I quit modeling 'cause now I'm a lead singer in this really cool band, and we--  
**Tony** : Steve would hate you.  
**Brock** : But I…  
**Tony** : _[gestures]_ Get out of here!

_[During the speed date]_  
**T’Calla** : Just buy a bell pepper!  
**Steve** : _No_!  
**T’Calla** : $4.50!  
**Steve** : _[frustrated]_ T-BO!!

_[After Bucky arrives at Steve's to take him to the dance]_

**Steve:** Hey Bucky! Wow, you look great.  
**Bucky** : I was just gonna say that to you.  
**Thor** : Okay, okay, we're all super-attractive here!

**Loki:** I asked him to the stupid dance, and he said: "Nah, I'm good."  
**Tony** : Did someone else already asked him?   
**Loki** : No! _[Tony smirks, and Loki grabs him]_  
**Tony** : Not laughing, I'm not laughing!

**Betty** : _[Seeing Loki at Bruce's door]_ Who's he?  
**Loki** : _[looking utterly confused]_ Who's _you?_

_[After Wanda sets Tony's cup on fire]_  
**Steve:** Yeah, I mean that was a pretty good trick, but don't you think it's dangerous to--  
**Bucky** : One time, my parents took me and my brother camping, and we saw bears!  
**Steve** : _[feigning interest]_ Did you?  
**Tony** : Hey, wasn't my phone on the table a minute ago?  
**Steve** : Yeah, you set it down right after--  
**Bucky** : _[continues]_ Four bears, big old paws... _[puts his hands up like a bear claw]_ _Grrrrr_!!!

_[Wanda drops Tony's phone on his groin]_  
**Tony** : _Owww_!!!! ... [ _pause_ ] Well, _that_ hurt.

_[After Bucky interrupts Steve and changes the subject several times]_  
**Steve** : Shut up!  
**Bucky** : What? I was just--  
**Steve** : Shut up, shut up, _Shut up_!!!  
**Bucky** : What's your deal?  
**Steve** : My deal is you haven't let me finish one sentence all night and I can't take it anymore! It's like you won't even let me--  
**Bucky** : What are you trying to say?  
**Steve** : _[gets up and points at the door]_ _Get outta here_!!! 

**Tony** : And then there were two.  
**Steve** : _[looks relieved]_ Yes, just us. Thank God.  
**Tony:** _[gets confident, flirty look and stands up, looking at him invitingly]_  
**Steve:** _[smiles]_ What?  
**Tony:** Don't you think we both deserve one nice dance tonight, with a person we _don't_ want to kill?  
**Steve:** _[smiles happily without hesitation and gets up]_ Absolutely.  
**Tony:** _[looks confident]_ Hey, T’Calla, turn up the music.  
_[They smile at each other, and Steve puts his arms around Tony’s neck, and they start dancing, with happy, content looks on their faces]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday to my bff's cousin, Brad!


	7. Source: iLost My Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki thinks he's insane for liking Tony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been feeling nostalgic lately, so watching episodes from my preteen days and creating them into Marvel seems like my best bet 🧨💖

**Steve** : What's happening here?  
**Thor:** Me getting fat. Look! I can barely get my jeans past my butt slabs. _[wriggling his legs and trying to pull up the jeans]_  
**Steve:** Those are _my_ jeans.  
**Thor** : Well... _[Realizing he's right]_ Yeah, I know.

**Tony** : I'm really getting worried about Loki... I mean, it's been three days since--  
**Steve** : Since you two kissed!?  
**Tony** : _[eyebrows raise]_...  
**Steve:** Yeah! I know! I saw it with both my eyes! _[walks over to his backpack]_ You guys were talking and... he kissed you and you didn't stop him, why, why didn't you tell me?  
**Tony** : Well I-- _[interrupted by Steve]_  
**Steve** : You should've told me! Do you like him? Is this, is this a new chapter in our lives? What is goin' on?  
**Tony** : _[trying to change the subject]_ ... Do you have any fruit?  
**Steve** : _[not falling for it]_ I don't know, but if I do, you can have it! You know why? 'Cause _I_ don't keep things from _you_!

**Tony** : Do you know Loki's password?  
**Steve** : Yes...  
**Tony** : Good! Tell me.  
**Steve** : Can't say it out loud; its icky.  
**Tony** : Fine, I won't look, you type it in.  
**Steve** : 'kay... _[types Loki's password; shudders]_ Eww...

**Steve** : We're going to a mental hospital.  
**Bruce** : Yes!

**Loki** : _[calmly]_ Hello, Steve. What do you want?  
**Steve** : To find you! What are you doing in this mental institution?  
**Loki** : Finger painting. _[shows Steve his painting of a hand with the thumb and first finger raised]_ What do you think?

**Loki:** _[to Steve]_ My head's jacked! I'm bonkers!

**Loki** : Do you know?  
**Steve** : What? That you kissed Tony?  
**Loki** : Ah! Shut up!! _[covers ears, freaks out]_  
**Steve** : I think it's awesome! I think it's great!  
**Loki** : No, no, no!!! _[runs around the room]_  
**Steve** : _[chasing Loki]_ There's nothing wrong with it! Why are you freaking out? Loki, stop it!

**Loki** : Accept it, Cap! I've lost my mind!  
**Steve** : What? You think that because you like Tony...  
**Loki** : Ugh! Don't say it out loud!  
**Steve** : It's all right to say it out loud!  
**Loki** : No, it's not!  
**Steve** : Loki loves Tony! Loki loves Tony! _[skips around the room]_  
**Loki** : Quit it! _[grabs Steve and puts his hand over Steve's mouth]_  
**Tony** : _[walking into the room]_ There you guys are!  
**Loki** : _[backs away from Tony]_ You get out! _[Steve groans loudly]_ Licking my hand won't make me let go!  
**Tony:** Loki, c'mon just... _[removes Loki's hand from Steve's mouth]_

**Steve:** _[after leaving Loki's hospital room and leaving Loki and Tony alone]_ I don't hear talkin'!

**Loki** : Why'd you come here?  
**Tony** : To figure out why you checked yourself into a mental hospital!  
**Loki** : You wanna know why?  
**Tony** : Kinda!  
**Loki** : 'Cause I hate you!

 **Tony** : Then why'd you kiss me?!  
**Loki** : 'Cause I...! _[quietly] ..._ I like you...

 **Tony** : So, you hate me... _and_ you like me...?  
**Loki** : Now you see why I need to be in here? Ah, I got problems. I can't think straight, I can't eat, I--I--  
**Attendant** : Loki, we have hot quesadillas--  
_[Loki grabs plate of quesadillas, shuts the door on the attendant, starts eating]_  
**Tony** : Look, Loki, I get that you're feeling a little--  
**Loki:** Oh, who cares! So I kissed you. So... so maybe I do like you a little bit. It doesn't matter 'cause... there's no way I'd ever go out with you or be your little boyfriend and... dang, this place makes good quesadillas!  
**Tony** : Can I have one?  
**Loki:** No!  
**Tony** : Look,can we talk about the kiss?  
**Loki:** Yeah, uh, actually, let's never talk about it, alright?  
**Tony:** Loki... _[Loki gives Tony a death glare]_ Don't kill me... _[backs away]_ I was just gonna say... no matter what happened that night, or what you're feeling right now... _[puts his hand on his shoulder]_ I'm telling you--  
**Loki:** _[without even looking at him]_ Off.  
**Tony:** _[takes his hand off his shoulder]_ You're not any more mentally unstable than you have been your whole life!  
**Loki** : You really mean that?  
**Tony** : I do.  
**Loki** : 'Kay...let's get out of here.  
**Tony** : Good. _[Loki grabs his bag and dumps the rest of his quesadillas inside and walks out the door with Tony]_ Sure.

**Malekith** : And in the year 2041, the entire state of California... kerplunk!  
**Bruce** : _[Gasps]_  
**Malekith** : Into the ocean!  
**Bruce** : Those poor celebrities!

 **Steve:** He's not from the future.

 **Bruce:** Is!  
**Malekith:** Bruce, you watch your tone. You are speaking to the future Vice President of the United States!  
**Steve:** He's not speaking to the... I'm gonna be Vice President?

 **Bruce** : Yeah, _[pokes Steve]_ who believes now?

**Steve** : _[as a group of police officers at the mental hospital forcibly escort him and Tony out of the mental_ _hospital]_ Hey, paws off! I'm the future Vice President of the United States!!!

**Steve** : _[to Thor]_ Hi, are those your book club ladies?

 **Thor** : Yes  
**Tony** : You guys talkin' about a book?  
**Thor** : No, just exchanging recipes.  
**Bruce** : Recipes for what?  
**Thor** : Fruit tarts.  
_[Tony, Steve and Bruce laugh at him]_  
**Thor** : _[to the book club ladies]_ Okay everybody out!

**Thor:** No! I am not dressing up like my mom!  
**Steve:** We weren't gonna ask you to.  
**Thor:** But I wanna do it!  
**Tony:** Fine.  
**Steve:** Okay.  
**Thor:** I'll get my boobs!

**Malekith** : _[chuckling crazily at the TV]_  
**Loki** : Malekith!  
**Malekith** : _[still laughing]_ What?  
**Loki** : The TV's not on!  
**Malekith** : _[notices he's right]_ Ahhhhh!!!! _[Runs out of the room]_

  
**Thor** : _[Walks in the hospital, disguised as Frigga Odinson]_ Hello, Loki. Bleh.  
**Loki** : _[knowing it's Thor in disguise]_ Hey, Mom. How'd your laser hair removal go?  
**Thor** : Great now I'm smooth as a _dolphin!_

  
**Malekith:** Warning! In the year 2029, aliens capture Ryan Seacrest!

  
**Malekith** : Four years from now, Virginia and West Virginia will merge to form one _huge_ Virginia!  
**Steve** : ...Settle down, Virginia.

  
**Loki:** _[during iSteve to the viewers]_ You'd be _crazy_ to go anywhere else!!

  
**Loki:** Okay look, I don't care how many iSteve fans say I'm not insane for liking Tony. I know I'm cra--  
**Tony:** _[interrupts Loki]_ Wa-Wa-Wa—Let's take one more chat.  
**Loki:** No, I don't wanna...  
**Tony:** Just one more!  
**Loki:** _[groans]_  
**Tony:** Here, hold this. _[looks to Steve, gives him his camera, takes the PearPad]_.  
**Steve:** _[whispers]_ You be nice.  
**Tony:** Just-- _[into PearPad, to web audience]_ Hey, it's me, Tony. So, uh...a lot of people have been talking about whether Loki and I should, ya know, "go out" with each other—and it's like everyone's wondering if Loki is crazy for wanting to. But nobody asked _me_ how _I_ feel.  
**Loki:** _[to Tony]_ ...We talked about it.  
**Tony:** No, _you_ talked. You told me how _you_ feel, while you ate a quesadilla.  
**Loki:** _[to web audience]_ The quesadillas here are amazing.  
**Steve:** _[shushes Loki]_  
**Tony:** _[continues]_ Anyway, yeah, it's important how Loki feels, but how _I_ feel is important too.  
**Loki:** _Okay_ , Stark, we get it! You wanna humiliate me on the web in front of millions of people, go ahead and just do it, I don't care! Get back at me for all the mean things I've sa-- _[Tony confidently walks across the room and quiets Loki by kissing him for 8 seconds]_  
**Loki:** _[after the kiss ends, confused]_...You mean that?  
**Tony:** _[smiling]_ Mm-hm... _[in a deep voice]...._ so, I guess we're both insane.  
**Loki:**... So now what?


	8. Source: iDate Sam & Freddie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is an unwilling mediator for Tony and Loki

**Thor:** Hi! I made a lawn!  
**Bruce:** Wow, that _is_ a lawn!  
**Steve** : See? _This_ is why I don't like to leave the house!

**Loki:** _[walking while frustrated]_ Unbelievable.  
**Thor:** You don't live here anymore.  
**Tony:** _[to Loki]_ Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!  
**Thor:** You don’t live here, either.

 **Loki:** _[walks back over to Tony]_ Fine, talk!  
**Tony:** Okay it's not that I don't appreciate what you were tr--  
**Loki:** _[groans and walks away]_  
**Tony:** You walked away again! _[goes after Loki]_

  
**Steve** : Alright _listen_ , Loki, Tony should be able to complain about people to you without worrying that you're gonna put them in a hospital!  
**Loki** : _[grumbles]_ I guess...  
**Steve** : And Tony, even though it's a little _extreme_ to violate a man with bees, you should least appreciate that Loki did it because he cares about you.  
**Tony** : _[sighs]_ Yeah, you're right. _[turns to Loki and smiles]_ I'm sorry.  
**Loki:** _[smiles too]_ Give Papa some sugar!  
**Tony:** Ohh... [kisses Loki and hugs him]  
**Steve:** Awww.....  
**Thor and Bruce:** Awwww......

**Tony** : Okay, I wanna know.  
**Loki** : _[in a sexy voice]_ What'chu wanna know? 

  
**Loki:** I can't believe you're being so cheap!  
**Tony:** I can't believe you're being so pushy!  
**T’Calla:** I can't believe I still don't have my 36 dollars!

**Loki** : _[turns to Tony]_ This is _not_ how boyfriends behave!  
**Tony** : Uh, yes, it is!  
**Loki** : Ok, let's go ask Steve what he thinks!  
**Tony** : Let's do it! _[they both get up and leave the Groovie Smoothie]_  
**T’Calla** : Wait, Wait! What about my 36 dollars?

  
**Bruce:** Steve? I'm coming in, I got a friend. _[holds up a puppy]_  
**Steve:** Awwww, a puppy?  
**Bruce:** Yeah, isn't he cute?  
**Steve:** Yeah, he's really cute! _[touches the puppy]_  
**Bruce:** You hear that little guy? Daddy loves you!  
**Steve:** Uh, uh, why did you call me his daddy?  
**Bruce** : Well you know, Loki and Tony are always hanging out together now,  
**Steve:** Yeah?  
**Bruce:** That means you and I are gonna have more time, just the two of us!  
**Steve:** Yeah?  
**Bruce** : So I figured sharing a dog will give us something to talk about!  
**Steve** : Nooooo...  
**Bruce** : I named him Sir Licks-A-Lot.  
**Steve:** That's really cute but it's your dog okay? So don't go thinking I'm gonna have to take-- _[Bruce holds up the puppy and the puppy licks Steve’s nose]_ Aaaaaw! Sir does lick a lot!

**Tony:** _[barges in]_ Good Steve's here, let’s ask him.

 **Loki** : After I get some ham.

 **Steve** : What's going on?

 **Tony** : _[ignores Steve]_ Some things are more important than ham!

 **Loki** : _[sounding hurt]_ Don't you ever say that to me!

 **Steve** : You guys are fighting again?

 **Tony** : Yeah and we need your help.

 **Steve** : Why do I have to be the one...

 **Loki** : Cuz you're fair and balanced.

 **Steve** : Oh... okay. What's the problem?

 **Tony** : T’Calla gave us a gigantic smoothie then tried to make me pay 36 bucks for it.

 **Loki** : And I say a gentleman should happily treat his date to a smoothie no matter how enormous!

 **Tony** : _[turns to Loki]_ For 36 bucks I could buy you a whole ham!

_[long pause]_

**Loki** : I'm waiting!

 **Tony** : Loki I'm not buying you a ham _[start to quarrel]._

 **Bruce** : _[yells]_ Hey, _C’mon_! _[puts his hand on Steve's shoulder]_ Not in front of our baby!

 **Steve** : He's not our baby. [to Loki and Tony] Guys.

 **Loki and Tony** : What?

 **Steve** : If a guy really likes another guy and they're dating, I think it's nice for the guy to give the other guy an enormous smoothie now and then.

 **Loki** : _[to Tony]_ _Boom_!

 **Steve** : But nice guys don't _demand_ things from guys they're dating

 **Tony** : _Boom_! _[Loki glares at him. Tony speaks quieter]_ Boom!

 **Steve** : _[to Loki]_ So maybe _you_ need to be a little more polite and patient, _[to Tony]_ and maybe _you_ need to be a little less stingy with your boy wallet!

 **Tony** : I think that's fair!

 **Loki** : Ditto!

_[Loki and Tony kiss]_

**Tony** : _[holds Loki's hands]_ Let's go get you that ham!

 **Loki** : Ahhh, baby.

**Thor** : AHHWHH! OH MY GOD! _[comes into the kitchen from the back door, covered in smoke and ash]_  
**Steve** : ... What happened to you?  
**Thor** : You guys... realize how flammable gasoline is? It's _really_ flammable!

**Bruce** : I love Pini's!  
**Loki** : You’re not invited.  
**Bruce** : Then no corn juice for you! _[drinks corn juice]_  
**Steve** : Don't you guys wanna go to dinner by yourselves? You know, like, just the two of you?  
**Loki** : Nah, everytime we're alone for an hour, we fight about something.  
**Tony** : So, we want _you_ to come with us, 'cause you always come up with smarts ways for us to compromise.  
**Loki** : And anyway, have you ever _had_ the lasagna at Pini's?  
**Steve** : No, it's good?  
**Tony** : Good? _[walks to his cart]_  
**Loki** : Uh, it is _so_ good that when I die, please bury me naked in a bathtub full of Pini's lasagna!

**Steve:** _[annoyed]_ I'm just supposed to sit here and _wait_ for you guys to have a fight, so I cansettleit?  
**Loki:** _[nods as he looks back at Steve]_ Pretty much!  
**Tony:** We'd _really_ appreciate that. _[nods and goes back to eating]_

**Loki:** _[with a mouthful of lasagna]_ Ohh, what do they put in this lasagna to make it so _incredible_?!  
**Tony:** Uh, I don't wanna start an argument, but you might wanna finish chewing before you talk...  
**Loki:** _[with a mouthful of lasagna]_ What is this, "Pick on Loki" night?

  
**Tony:** _[looks to Steve]_ Steve, is it wrong to tell a person that it's not polite to talk with their mouth full of lasagna?  
**Loki:** _[looks to Steve and scoffs]_ Is it wrong for a person to pick on every little thing I do?  
**Steve:** _[frustrated as he slams his fork down and, gets up]_ _Yes_. And _yes_! You both should be _furious_ with each other! _[walks over to their table and pushes Loki over hard]_  
**Tony:** Well, I wouldn't say I'm _furious._  
**Steve:** Well, you should be furious! What guy wants to go on a date and watch another guy go: _[mocking Loki's table manners]_ "Bleh! I'm Loki Laufeyson! Bleh! Wa-wa-wa."  
**Loki:** _[looks offended]_  
**Tony:** ...Ew.  
**Steve:** _[to Loki]_ And how can you sit there and listen to that whiny nub go: _[mocking Tony nitpicking at Loki]_ "Bleh! Too much Parmesan! Bleh! Don't chew with your mouth open! Bleh!" Seriously! Why don't you two just pick up your forks _[picks up fork and makes jabbing-in-eye motion]_ And use them to jab each other in the eyes?! _[slams fork down on the table]._

**Phil (random guy who has been pestering Steve):** _[walks up next to Steve]_ I'm also a photographer.  
**Steve:** _[holds up his index finger and thumb an inch apart]_ _This_ close to callin' the cops! _[Phil walks away]_

**Steve** : If you guys can't learn to work things out on your own then, you shouldn't be dating at all! _[grabs Loki and Tony's plates after dramatically walking away]_ I deserve this lasagna. _[glares and walks away again]_

**Steve:** Those stars you put on the ceiling look so cool.  
**Thor:** Good. 'Cause it wasn't easy getting 'em up there.  
**Steve:** What about that moon?  
**Thor:** Even harder. That thing weighs like 60 pounds.  
**Steve:** Wow.  
**Thor:** Yeah. Had to use a bunch of bi,g long screws, and a steel cable to stur—  
_[decorative fake moon and stars come crashing down on Thor and Steve]_  
**Thor and Steve:** _[groan]_


	9. Source: iCan't Take It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howard finds out Tony and Loki are dating

**Steve:** So, things are going good with you and Tony?  
**Loki:** Yeah, way better. Only three fights this week.  
**Steve:** And you haven't hit him?  
**Loki:** Not in the face...  
**Steve:** _[smiles]_ Aww, that's sweet.  
**Tony:** _[knocks on Steve's bedroom door; comes in holding his blue laptop]_ So, guess a-who just finished editing iSteve's next fake movie trailer?  
**Steve:** The same guy a-who edits _all_ of iSteve's fake movie trailers?  
**Tony:** _[smiles proudly]_ Yes... _[to Loki]_ Hey, cuteness.  
**Loki:** Lips please. _[Tony leans down, gently lifts Loki's chin with his fingers and kisses him for 3 seconds]_  
**Steve:** _[shocked in a good way]_ How did this happen?? You guys have a relationship, and I have a magnetic fish! _[holds up the fishing rod he's been holding with a magnetic fish at the end]_.

 **Tony:** _[runs to the seat]_ Alright c'mon let's watch the trailer

**Howard** : _[comes into the Odinson's apartment holding a silver bar]_ Tony!  
**Bruce** : Wow, Tony! J’s here!  
**Howard:** _[puts the silver bar on the counter]_  
**Tony:** _[looks at him; confused]_ What's that?  
**Howard:** 100 ounces of pure palladium.  
**Bruce:** Wow! So a bar like _that_ must be quite valuable!  
**Howard:** Oh, it is, it has a street value of nearly $100,000.  
**Thor:** _[raises his eyebrows; eyes wide]_  
**Tony:** _[holding the bar; surprised]_ Whoa, whose is this?  
**Howard:** Yours...  
**Tony:** Why would you give me something worth this much money?  
**Howard:** So you'll do something for me in return!  
**Bruce:** That seems fair!  
**Tony:** What do you want me to do?  
**Howard:** _[loudly]_ Stop dating Loki!  
**Tony:** _[gets off the chair he was sitting on; looks confused and shocked]_ How'd you know?  
**Bruce:** Yes, how _did_ you know?  
**Howard:** It doesn't matter! _[to Tony]_ If you want that bar of palladium, you tell that no good Laufeyson to find some other boy to ruin!  
**Tony:** You can't bribe me to break up with Loki!  
**Howard:** But, Tony!  
**Tony:** _[furious]_ No chance!  
**Howard:** _[screams and rips a piece of his shirt; takes the palladium back from Tony and runs back into his apartment]._  
**Tony:** _[mouthing]_ Wow... _[sits back down]_

**Steve:** _[annoyed and angry]_ I'm going to _kill_ Loki and Tony! _[to Bruce]_ Are you sure they haven't texted you?  
**Bruce:** _[to Steve]_ Look, I'm just having some juice.  
**Steve:** _[frustrated]_ Well, fan-bat-tastic! iSteve starts in thirty seconds, and I'm here, _alone_!  
**Bruce:** I'll try not to take that the wrong way.  
**Steve:** _[to Bruce]_ Alright, we're starting iSteve. You and me. Get up!  
**Bruce:** _[excitedly]_ Really?  
**Steve:** In 5, 4, 3, 2… _[as he sets up the tech stuff]_  
_[to audience]_ I'm Steve! _[looks to Bruce]_  
**Bruce:** _[stands there and smiles as he says nothing for about 10 seconds]_  
**Steve:** _[keeps glancing at Bruce to say something]_  
**Bruce:** _[to Steve]_ My turn?  
**Steve:** _[disappointed, but not really sounding it]_ And this has been iSteve. _[turns off the web cast]_

**Steve:** _[to Loki and Tony]_ So, last week you two made me your involuntary Couple's Counselor. _Then_ you edited me _out_ of "Super Bra" and tonight you made me do iSteve _by myself_.  
**Bruce:** _[offended, he yells to Steve]_ What am I, amushroom?!  
**Tony:** _[to Steve]_ Okay, you're making _way_ too big a deal out of--  
**Loki:** _[to Tony as he gently pats him on the arm 3 times]_ Hey, hey, hey this isn't about _us_ missing the show...  
**Tony:** _[to Loki]_ Steve seems pretty upset by-- _[Loki nods at him]_ Oh, right...  
**Loki:** Mm hmm...  
**Steve:** _[rolls her eyes, annoyed]_ What's _right_?  
**Tony:** _[to Steve]_ Look, since Loki and I started going out _[looks to Loki, then back at Steve]_ , maybe you've been feeling a little--  
**Loki:** _[finishing his sentence]_ Jealous.  
**Steve:** _[looking shocked]_ Wh- wh- wh- wh? _[scoffs]_ You two think I'm jealous of your relationship?  
**Tony:** Maybe.  
**Loki:** And maybe you were the one who let his dad know that we were going out.  
**Steve:** _[shocked]_ I did not!  
**Tony:** _[confused]_ Then who did?  
**Steve:** _[screams]_ Bru--what?  
**Loki and Tony:** _[glaring at Bruce_ ]  
**Loki:** _[mad]_ Bruce?  
**Bruce:** _[sarcastic to Steve]_ Thanks, Steve! So much for secrets!  
**Loki:** _[runs to Bruce and throws him on the floor while screaming]_

  
**Bruce:** Your son, Tony...  
**Howard:** _[gasps]_  
**Bruce:** ...is dating Loki. Look at this. _[holds up PearPad and shows Howard a picture of Tony with his arm around Loki's shoulder; smiling at each other]_  
**Howard:** _[screams shrilly and loudly]_

**Thor:** _[Watching a cooking show on TV]_ She's a genius!  
  


**Bruce:** _[to Steve]_ Tell us what you know.  
**Howard** _[to Steve]_ Give into your anger.

 **Steve:** _[to Bruce]_ You know we're about to ruin a relationship between two of our best friends?

  
**Steve:** _[feeling bothered by Bruce going to take a nap in his bed]_ Oh...

  
**Steve:** _[to Tony]_ You know eventually you're gonna have to tell your dad you and Loki are dating.  
**Tony:** _[scoffs]_ Oh really, you wanna see my dad _burst_ into flames?  
**Steve:** Yes!  
**Thor:** That'd be cool.  
**Loki:** _[laughs]_  
**Howard:** _[Off Screen knocking on the door]_ Tony, are you in there? Come home! It's time for your tick bath!  
**Tony:** Now what?  
**Loki:** _[to Tony]_ No worries, we'll take the 'vator. _[to Thor]_ Tell his batty dad you haven't seen him or me.  
**Thor:** No, no, de nopedy nope, I am not gonna lie to your father.  
**Tony:** _[frustrated]_ Why not?  
**Thor:** 'Cause when you tell one lie it just leads to another lie, and another lie... and before you know it, you're a guy telling _[slight pause]_ _multiple lies_.  
**Loki:** _[scoffs]_ Oh come on, when the girl with no teeth kept coming over here, I lied for you.  
**Howard:** _[very annoyed, knocking on the door louder]_ Anthony Stark!  
**Loki and Tony:** _[look to Thor, pleadingly]_  
**Thor:** Fine. I'll lie. Go.  
_[Loki and Tony run toward the elevator door. Loki pushes the second button]_  
**Howard:** _[very annoyed, knocking on the door]_ Anthony!  
**Steve:** _[to Loki and Tony]_ You know, you guys could invite _me_ to go to the movies with you. _[as Loki and Tony step in the elevator]_  
**Tony:** _[to Steve as the elevator door is closing, hesitating]_ Uh, well if you wanted to--  
**Loki:** _[to Steve as the elevator door is closing, hesitating]_ Um.. well, okay, let's get the door.  
**Loki and Tony:** _[as the elevator door shuts]_ Bye, Steve!

**Bruce:** _[In the elevator while showing Howard pictures]_ Wait, I brought you a flashlight too.

  
**Howard:** What's that?  
**Bruce:** Oh, that's me in the bathroom. And that's me brushing my cat's teeth. _[Stops and looks and Howard’s face]_ He didn't like it...

**Tony:** _[looking at his PearPhone]_ Ah, dag, man! No!  
**Loki:** _[to Tony]_ What's the matter, baby?  
**Tony:** I didn't get into that summer program I applied to.  
**Steve:** _[smiles]_ NERD Camp.  
**Tony:** It's _not_ NERD Camp. It's "New Electronics Research and Development camp!"  
**Bruce:** _[laughs to Tony]_ You're perfect for that!  
**Tony:** I know!

**Bruce:** Cool! There's a sale for glitter gloss at the store!  
**Thor:** Why do you get text updates from Glitter Gloss?  
**Bruce:** I care about women's personal needs, a'ight?  
**Thor:** _[looks at Steve, Loki and Tony giving an offended and weirded out expression based on Bruce's reaction]_

**Steve:** _[looks at Tony]_ Look, having Loki in your life is like owning a wild chimp...  
**Tony and Loki:** _[both look confused]_  
**Steve:** Sure, he _is_ unpredictable; he can go berserk and chew your foot off. But if you keep him clean and well-fed, he's adorable _[puts his arm around Loki]_ and cool and tons of fun.  
**Tony:** I know, but--  
**Steve:** _[interrupts Tony]_ He said he was sorry! And he really meant it.  
**Bruce:** _[walks in quietly]_  
**Steve:** Loki loves you! _[looks at Loki waiting for him to speak then nudges him]_  
**Loki:** _[shyly]_ It's kinda true.  
**Steve:** _[steps to the side and gestures for Loki to kiss Tony then pushes them closer together]_  
**Tony:** _[smiles lovingly at Loki]_  
**Loki:** _[smiles lovingly back at him]_  
**Steve:** _[pushes them together to kiss]_  
**Loki and Tony:** _[kiss for 10 seconds]_

[ _The lights dim, disco lights flutter throughout the room, and music begins to play_ ]  
**_Bruce_** _[_ grabs a microphone and begins to sing _]: Loving you, is my favorite thing to do. And if you'll be mine, to the end of all time. My heart, will sing the sweetest part of this song, of love._  
_[Steve, Tony, and Loki clap for the performance]_  
**Tony:** Wow! That was good, Science Bro.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's fun making these. LMK if you want some incorrect quotes from different fandoms! I'll check 'em out


	10. Source: iLove You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Tony don't always like the same things

**Fandral:** _[threateningly, jokingly]_ You just be good to our little Loki Doki.... or we'll stab you... all over!  
**Tony:** _[stares at Fandral scared]_  
**Loki, Fandral, and Victor:** _[laugh thinking the threat's funny]_  
**Tony:** _[laughs awkwardly and nervously; still scared by the threat]_

**Jane:** That movie is too scary for Thor.  
**Thor:** No, it's not!  
**Jane:** Movies like that give you nightmares.

 **Thor** : it's almost over…

 **Jane:** I said no.

 **Thor** : But…

 **Jane** : That's it, go to bed!

  
**Thor:** But I--  
**Jane:** [points to his room and yells] _Right now_!

 **Steve:** Well, you’re kind of treating him like a child.

  
**Loki:** _[to Steve]_ Hey Cap, _[to Tony]_ Hey Pretty Baby.  
**Tony:** Hey Lil' Lokinator.

  
**Jane:** I'm gonna tickle you! _[to Thor whilst also tickling him]_  
**Thor:** Don't do it! _[laughing]_  
**Steve:** Okay, this needs to stop _right now_.  
**Jane:** Isn't it past your bedtime?  
**Steve:** You're not the babysitter of me!

  
**Steve:** _[to Loki and Tony]_ Okay, so you guys aren't hanging out together _today_ and you didn't see each other _at all_ this weekend?  
**Loki and Tony:** _[shake their heads no]_.  
**Tony:** Nope.  
**Loki:** Um... nuh-uh.  
**Steve:** Isn't that kinda weird?  
**Tony:** No, we're just not into the same kinda things.  
**Loki:** _[to Steve]_ Diff'rent strokes _baby_.  
**Steve:** But you're a couple now.  
**Loki:** _[glances to Tony]_ So?  
**Steve:** _[to Loki]_ So part of dating it's _you_ learning to like stuff he likes _[to Tony]_ and _you_ learning to like stuff he likes.  
**Loki:** _[confused]_ Uh.  
**Tony:** _[to Loki, pats him on the back]_ Well, I got another meeting with my Model Train Club on Wednesday night. Wanna come?  
**Loki:** _[leans over to Steve]_ Should I be polite and _lie_?  
**Steve:** _[to Loki]_ Yes.  
**Loki:** _[goes back over to Tony]_ I'd love to Baby.  
**Tony:** _[puts his arm around Loki]_ Aww, that's my little fibber.

**Tony:** ... I love you. _[walks up behind Loki and smiles at him]_  
**Loki:** _[stops walking; turns around; shrugs and smiles]_ I love you, too. _[They then kiss on the lips]_  
**Tony:** _[After kissing, Tony checks his Pear Phone]_ It's only 10:30.  
**Loki:** Wanna break up at midnight?  
**Tony:** That works. _[Loki and Tony kiss as the elevator closes]_


	11. Source: The Bird Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony struggles with one certain scene

**Bruce:** Tony, come on!  
**Tony:** Did you _not_ see me fall in the parking lot?!  
**Bruce:** It was very funny.

**Loki:** _[Sees Tony struggling with his books]_ Need some help?  
**Tony:** Yes!  
**Loki:** Interesting... _[Walks by]_

_[Fury throws a ball at Tony; it hits the wall next to him. He screams]_  
**Tony:** What was that for?! I'm not acting right now!  
**Fury:** We need to chat.  
**Tony:** And "Tony, can I see you?" wouldn't have worked?  
**Clint:** _[Walking out]_ Have fun.  
**Phil:** _[Following him]_ Protect your face.

**Phil:** Why do you need ballet slippers?  
**Clint:** Cause I signed up for ballet.  
**Steve:** Isn't that kinda girly?  
**Clint:** Yep, just one big room full of girls and me, you guys picking up what I'm putting down.  
**Bucky:** Yeah, pretty smooth…  
**Steve:** I don't understand.  
**Phil:** A lot of girls who dance all in one room with him.  
**Steve:** Oh!!!

**Steve:** I can't eat salsa.  
**Clint:** Why, cause it hurts your stomach and gives you nightmares?  
**Steve:** No.  
**Bucky:** Yes.  
**Steve:** Maybe...

**Fury:** Drive-by acting exercise! You're all angry Englishmen! GO!  
**Steve:** Ah! I insist you tell me who sat on me crumpet!  
**Loki:** My grandmummy went to the loo while I snogged the Prime Minister!  
**Clint:** This flock o' whippoorwills is botherin' my trousers!  
**Thor:** Good heavens! There's a dead cockroach in my brassiere!  
**Bucky:** Blimey!  
**Phil:** I told you not to put plum sauce on me banger!

**Fury:** Tony, the stage is yours, though you can't take it home.

 **Thor:** It's _so_ gross how he's always hitting on _everyone_.  
**Bucky:** I never hit on _you_.  
**Thor:** What's that supposed to mean?!

**Steve:** What's the deal with Fury and coconuts?  
**Loki:** He says the milk gives him visions.

**Tony:** Before we begin, I'd like you to have these two large coconuts.  
**Fury:** Wonderful! You know their milk gives me visions.  
**Tony:** I've heard.

**Tony:** Thor!  
**Thor:** Hey!  
**Tony:** You have to try something! _[He pulls out handcuffs]_  
**Thor:** Handcuffs?  
**Tony:** Uh-huh. Put them on one wrist. _[He puts them on]_ Good! Now, we lock the other part here...  
**Thor:** Fun!  
**Tony:** 'Kay, now try this. _[He holds out a piece of candy]_  
**Thor:** _[Gasps]_ Ooo! Candy! _[He eats it]_ Mmm... This is so... so hot! What are these?!  
**Tony:** Choo-Choo Peppers.  
**Thor:** Ch-Choo?! Ugh! They're burning my mouth!  
**Tony:** I know! Want some water?  
**Thor:** Yes!  
**Tony:** Tell me the secret to the Bird Scene!  
**Thor:** I can't, and I need water!  
**Tony:** Oh, fine! _[He throws him a bottle of water and leaves, but doesn't uncuff him]_  
**Thor:** Wait, Tony! _[Drinks water]_ Tony! Mmm...water.

**Tony:** _[While flirting with Steve]_ You want to know what's making me feel stressed?  
**Steve:** _[Not wanting it to stop]_ Tell me, I'll kill it!

_[Talking about Tony's locker]_  
**Phil:** Why don't you do something creative and deep?  
_[Sees his locker]_  
**Tony:** Clear?  
**Phil:** Transparent. I've got no secrets and neither does my locker.

**Tony:** You'll help me with the Bird Scene, won't you?  
**Steve:** I'm really not supposed to, and--  
**Tony:** Ow! He bit my hand!  
**Steve:** Bucky!  
**Bucky:** We’re going to the bathroom! I gotta pee now! _[Steve runs off with him]_  
**Tony:** Why do _both_ of you need to go?  
**Bucky:** You don't know what I've got!

**Fury:** Happy birthday!  
**Thor:** Whose birthday is it?  
**Fury:** Somebody's, somewhere.  
**Thor:** That's so true...

**Fury:** Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the Bird Scene, starring Tony...  
**Tony:** _[Pops his head from behind the curtain]_ Stark.  
**Fury:** Stark!

**Tony:** _[in a country accent]_ It was 1934 and my husband left me, alone. Living on the prairie was a dreary existence. No telephone, no radio. Only a large majestic bird with whom I shared my feelings. _[whistles. Bird flies in]_  
**Fury:** _[leans over to Phil]_ You see the bird too right?  
**Phil:** Yeah.  
**Fury:** Fantastic. _[sips his coconut]_  
**Tony:** One day when I was feeling alone, I said to him, 'Oh bird, you can fly. You can fly miles form this place yet you stay. Why?' _[shakes his head and the bird flies out]_ And my question rang true for that afternoon, the bird left, and so went my spirit. _[puts his head down]_  
**Fury:** That, was impressive.  
**Tony:** So, did I get it right?  
**Fury:** Nope!  
**Tony:** But...but I just, I, I... I _did too get it right_!  
**Fury:** Tony, listen...  
**Tony:** _[yelling]_ I'M NOT TRYING TO BE DISRESPECTFUL OR ANYTHING BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I WORKED ON THIS SCENE? I MADE THIS COSTUME, I DOWNLOADED SPECIAL PRAIRIE MUSIC! I EVEN TRAINED THAT CRAZY COCKATOO TO FLY IN AND OUT THAT WINDOW, ON COMMAND! _[the bird flies inside]_ **NOT NOW!** _[the bird flies back outside]_ Now I know you're a great acting teacher and all but I don't care what you say. The scene I just did was good. And I'm proud of it no matter what anybody thinks!

 **Fury:** A true artist need only please himself. Or herself. Or...itself.  
  


**Tony:** Ah! Uh, uh, uh! I believe in my own choices, and I don't need approval from others.  
**Phil:** Ah, the young male has learned the ways of the Bird Scene.  
**Loki:** I still think it's dull.  
**Tony:** Yeah? Well, maybe I should...make it shine. _[He presses a button and his locker lights up]_


	12. Source: Stage Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Loki get into a fight

**Loki:** _[To Tony]_ Hey partner, I can't wait for our fight... scene.

**Tony:** Why do I have to play an instrument anyway?  
**Thor:** Everyone at Hollywood Arts has to play an instrument.  
**Tony:** Okay, well, I sing. My throat is my instrument! I'm a throat player.  
**Clint:** Doesn't count.  
**Thor:** And it sounds kinda gross.  
**Clint:** Why'd you pick the french horn?  
**Tony:** I don't know. I like french fries, french toast.  
**Thor:** _(gasps)_ One time, when I was eating french toast at a restaurant, I started laughing, and then I started choking, so the lady who ran the restaurant made me leave.

  
**Thor:** So let's hear your horn!  
**Clint:** Yeah, play that funky music, white boy.

 **Tony:** You know I'm half Latina.  
**Clint:** Then hit it, muchacha!

**Tony:** _(to Phil)_ Well, it looked like he was hurting you!  
**Loki:** _(Suspiciously)_ Why do you care?  
**Tony:** Because I figured he already suffers enough pain dating you.  
**Loki:** You wanna see pain?!

  
**Tony:** _(About Loki)_ Why does he hate me?  
**Clint:** Maybe he heard you play the French horn!

  
**Thor:** I wonder if mirrors work in outer space.

  
**Tony:** Oh, great, so he gets an A- and I get a broken eye and a black nose.  
**Clint:** I think you meant--  
**Tony:** I know what I meant!  
**Thor:** My dog has a black nose! It's so cute! It's like a baby meatball!  
**Clint:** Meatballs are brown.  
**Thor:** You're so mean to me! _(He angrily takes his drink and walks off)_  
**Tony:** ...You want half his sandwich?  
**Clint:** Mmm-hmm. _(They both take half of the sandwich Thor had before he left)_

  
**Natasha:** Okay, and if anything goes wrong, just yell the safe word, which is, "butternut." Ready? And--  
**Tony:** Butternut!  
**Loki:** What?!  
**Natasha:** Tony, what are you doing?

 **Tony:** I was just testing the safe word. It works! _(Loki rolls his eyes)_

  
**Thor:** Why did you hit Loki in the face with your cane?  
**Tony:** I didn't!  
**Thor:** Okay! I believe you, don't hit me!  
**Tony:** Will you back me up here?  
**Clint:** Okay, look I don't think Tony meant to whack Loki in the face with his cane.  
**Tony:** Why does everyone think I hit him?  
**Clint:** Well, we were watching you guys do the scene, and you hit him across the face with your cane. He fell down, and now his eye's all bloody.  
**Tony:** Well that doesn't mean I hit him.  
**Clint:** I kinda think it does.

_(Tony tries to get Loki a chair to sit down on, but it collapses underneath him)_  
**Natasha:** That was a breakaway chair!  
**Tony:** Aw, butternut!

  
**Phil:** Hey. How you feeling?  
**Loki:** My eye hurts.  
**Phil:** Oh, yeah? Which one?  
**Loki:** _(Sarcastically)_ Cute. I want coffee.  
**Phil:** What's the magic word?  
**Loki:** Get me some coffee... Please?  
**Phil:** Actually, the magic word was lotion. But I'll accept your please 'cause you have a boo-boo eye.  
**Loki:** _(Calling after him)_ Two sugars!  
**Phil:** I know what to do!

  
**Thor:** _(after kissing Steve)_ See?  
**Steve:** _(stunned)_ I want you to meet my parents.

  
**Bucky:** _(Bending down over Tony)_ Is that mac and cheese?  
**Tony:** _(Frustrated)_ Who cares?  
**Bucky:** _(Gets up and checks his phone)_ I just wanted to know if it was mac and cheese.

  
_(Tony continues scraping. When Loki walks in, they look at each other for a few seconds)_  
**Loki:** I don't get it.  
**Tony:** What?  
**Loki:** I know that Clint told you that I faked everything. The blood, the black eye. What is that, mac and cheese?  
**Derek:** _(Looking at his phone)_ Looks like it right?  
**Tony:** _(To Loki)_ Why are you here?

 **Loki:** Why are you here? Why didn't you tell on me?  
**Tony:** 'Cause. We both go to school here and it's not gonna be fun for either one of us if we're fighting all the time.  
**Loki:** So... you're just gonna let me get away with it? You took detention and a lower grade and you're scraping crusty pudding of the walls on a Friday night just so I wouldn't get in trouble?  
**Tony:** Pretty much.  
**Loki:** Well... you can't be nice to me when I've been mean to you. That's not how it works!  
**Tony:** Well try being nice to me some time, maybe that'll work. Now go play I've gotta scrape this onion dip off the wall. _(Smells the onion dip)_ Or onion puss.  
_(Loki drops his bag and picks up a scraper and a bucket and starts scraping)_  
**Loki:** This might be more fun with some tunes. _(Slips and turns on the music)_


	13. Source: Tori & Jade's Play Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fury forces Tony and Loki to go on a date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a little busy, but I'm back.
> 
> on a side note, does anyone know how completely awkward it is to live with your brother and his boyfriend?  
> like, the fear of accidentally walking in on them making out half-naked?
> 
> also, I recently got into captain thunder
> 
> anywho!

**Bucky:** They found out coconut juice makes your hair fall out?  
**Fury:** ( _laughs_ ) _No!_

**Steve:** This kind of news is always hard to tell someone.  
**Thor:** And we really hope it doesn't break your heart.  
**Steve:** But somebody ran.  
**Thor:** Yeah somebody ran.  
**Steve:** A woman or a man.  
**Thor:** Maybe in a van.  
**Thor and Steve:** But somebody ran over your go-cart!  
**Steve:** ( _singing stops_ ) And it got _crushed_!!!  
**Thor:** It's unfixable!!!

**Clint:** ( _pulls a card out of a box)_ Tommy. Ten-year-old identical twin brother of Carter.  
**Fury:** ( _imitates car noise_ ) Phil. Pick a role.  
**Phil:** Carter. Ten-year-old identical twin brother of Tommy. ( _looks at Clint_ ) I guess we're twins.  
**Clint:** Then Momma's got some explaining to do.

  
**Clint:** Eh, Fury, I think I just heard something movin' there with the go-cart parts. ( _A raccoon climbs out of the box with the go-cart parts_ ) 

**Fury:** I knew it!

**Steve:** Hey, Mr. Phil...  
**Thor:** Your life's going swell.  
**Steve:** Now here's some news...  
**Thor:** That's not so fun to tell.  
**Thor** & **Steve:** Ohhhhh...  
**Steve:** Now, Clint would like to thank you for the use of your car...  
**Thor:** But something icky happened and it's kind of bizarre...  
**Steve:** His grandmother peed in a clear plastic cup.  
**Thor:** Clint put it in the car then he started it up.  
**Steve** & **Thor:** Now...comes...the bad part.  
**Thor:** He was on his way to the doctor and he took a sharp turn...  
**Steve:** The cup fell over and spilled all the urine.  
**Thor:** 64 plus 9 equals 73.  
**Steve:** But please don't feel bad now that your car smells like pee.  
**Thor** & **Steve:** 'Cause you're still good-looking!

_(While jumping up and down)_  
**Thor:** This is so fun!  
**Steve:** Yeah, maybe we should make out sometime  
**Thor:** Steve, you're so gross! _(Pinches Steve's cheeks and runs away laughing)_.

**Loki:** Don't touch Daddy.

**Tony:** I'm so darn narcoleptic, I can't even tell my own twin sons apart!  
**Loki:** It's not your fault. They're identical. Look at them.  
_(Phil and Clint smile awkwardly and exchange looks)_

 **Fury:** You boys meet me for dinner at Nozu! Tonight! 7pm!  
**Tony:** But I don't wanna...  
**Fury:** NOZU!  
**Loki:** But why are you...

 **Fury:** (speaking jibberish in japanese) 

**Loki:** At least let us...

 **Fury:** (speaking very fast) _See you boys at Nozu at 7pm_!

**Fury:** Listen. I once did a show where I had to play a man in great pain. So, to prepare, I threw myself down a flight of stairs. You wouldn't believe how many times I hit my head.  
**Loki:** Yeah, we would.  
**Tony:** We really, really would.

**Fandral & Victor:** Whoa! Dude sandwich! Whoa!! _(move closer to Tony & Loki)_

**Tony:** I admire how you're never afraid to say what you think.  
**Loki:** That's stupid.  
**Tony:** See?

**Fandral:** We wanna hear a little songy-song action!

 **Tony:** _(to waiter)_ Excuse me? My date and I were wondering if you have a flight of stairs we could throw ourselves down.

**Tony:** _(slurps his soup and stops a few times)_  
**Loki:** No!!!

**Tony:** Run, Nancy!  
**Loki:** Yes, Walter!

_(in the deleted scene)_

**Loki:** Why is your butt in my chair?  
**Tony:** I'm not sure, I guess you'll have to speak to my butt about that. _[Wiggles his butt]_  
**Loki:** ( _Leans down)_ Get away from my chair!

  
**Steve:** ( _shocked after Loki glares at him)_  
**Thor:** Did you just pee a little bit?  
**Steve:** Nooooo...  
**Bucky:** Then why is my leg damp?

  
**Tony:** You really ran over the boy's go-cart?  
**Fury:** Three times. ... I thought it was a raccoon!

  
**Tony:** There is no good reason why you and I shouldn't be able to sit here together and have a conversation.  
**Loki:** I got a good reason.  
**Tony:** Which is?  
**Loki:** I don't like you!  
**Tony:** Really? You can't think of one thing that you like about me?  
**Loki:** I like it when you're sad.


	14. Source: Friends season 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint wants Phil, and Tony and Loki have sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amid schoolwork and packing up to move... i bring you friends... sorta

**_The One After Clint Says Phil_ [5.01]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=1)]

_[After Clint and Darcy’s disastrous reception.]_

**Thor** : You know, I think that went well.

 **Tony** : It could've been worse; he could have _shot_ her.

**Phil** : No, you're not an idiot, Clint. You're a guy very much in love.

 **Clint** : Same difference.

****

**_The One with All the Kissing_ [5.02]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=2)]

 **Phil** : Steve, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me.

 **Steve** : Oh, no. I did that for someone once. I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life.

 **Loki** : I'll do it!

**Clint** : I'm just going to wander around in the rain.

 **Phil** : Uhh... it's not raining.

 **Clint** : I can't catch a break!

****

**_The One Hundredth_ [5.03]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=3)]

 **Nurse** : _[pointing at Thor and Clint]_ Now, which one of you is the father?

 **Stevie** : _[female, since Loki glamoured him like a girl]_ Oh no, neither of them are the father. The father is my brother.

 **Nurse** : Okaaay.

 **Phil** : I am so gonna miss seeing you freak people out like that.

**Tony** : So, uh, now that little Anthony turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?

 **Steve** : They're gonna call her Anthony.

 **Tony** : That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?

 **Steve** : Works on _you._

****

**_The One Where Steve Hates PBS_ [5.04]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=4)]

 **Steve** : I just found a selfless good deed; I went to the park and let a bee sting me.

 **Thor** : How is that a good deed?

 **Steve** : Because now the bee gets to look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy, and I am not.

 **Thor** : You know the bee probably died when he stung you?

 **Steve** : Dammit!

**Clint** : Okay, then. Here we go. Magic 8-Ball, should I never see Phil again? "Ask again later." Later is not good enough! "Ask again later." What the hell! This is broken! It... it is broken!

 **Loki** : All right, let me see. Will Tony have sex tonight? "Don't count on it." Seems like it works to me.

****

**_The One with the Kips_ [5.05]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=5)]

_[Loki, Tony, Steve, and Thor are all trapped in Loki's room. Tony has his ear pressed to the door.]_

**Steve** : Can you hear anything?

 **Tony** : Oh, yeah, someone just said, "Can you hear anything?"

_[Thor is searching for something under Loki's bed. Loki turns around and sees Thor's butt sticking out from the top of his bed.]_

**Loki** : Hey, Thor's ass. What are you doing?

 **Thor** : _[About Clint and Phil]_ Well, remember when they had that big fight and broke up, and we got stuck in here with no food or anything? Well, when Clint said "Phil" at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, you know? So, I hid this in here.

_[Places a small box on the bed filled with candy bars and other things.]_

**Loki** : Ooh! Candy bars, crossword puzzles...

 **Steve** : Ooh, _Mad Libs_! MINE!

_[Tony finds a few condoms in the box.]_

**Tony** : Condoms?

 **Thor** : Hey, you don't know how long we're gonna be in here. We may have to repopulate the Earth!

 **Tony** : And _condoms_ are the way do that?

**Loki** : I'm really getting tired of always sneaking around all the time.

 **Tony** : Me, too. What if we went away for the weekend? No interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.

 **Loki** All weekend? That's a whole lot naked.

 **Tony** : I'll say I have a conference and you can have a... uh... chef thing.

 **Loki** : _[acting face on]_ I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair in Jersey!

 **Tony** : Okay! You know you're not, though.

****

**_The One with the Yeti_ [5.06]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=6)]

 **Loki** : So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Phil-ever-used sale.

 **Clint** : Touched, used, sat on, slept on.

 **Daisy** : I'll take it all.

**Phil** : We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man! It was, like, this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a [bigfoot](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/bigfoot) or a [yeti](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/yeti) or something!

 **Loki** : And he came at us with an axe, so Phil had to use a [bug bomb](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/fogger) on him!

 **Phil** : Yeah, I — I — I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass!

 **Thor** : Uhh, like, dark hair, bushy beard?

 **Phil** : Yeah!

 **Thor** : Yeah, you fogged Ego.

 **Phil** : Please! We did not fog Ego!... Who's Ego?

 **Thor** : Ego just moved in downstairs. Yeah, he just got back from like this four-month trek in the Andes. Nice fella.

 **Loki** : Oh, he's nice. He's nice! Y'know, you always stick up for the people we fog!

****

**_The One Where Clint Moves In_ [5.07]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=7)]

 **Phil** : No, I can't get started with all that Clint stuff again. I mean, he's gonna be screwed up for a long time. And besides, you know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.

 **Loki** : Right, you only go for them five minutes before they get married.

**Thor** : Come on, Tony. Clint is our friend and he needs us right now. So why don't you be a grownup and come watch some TV in the fort?

****

**_The One with All the Thanksgivings_ [5.08]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=8)]

 **Phil** : You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for.

 **Thor** : Oh. I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having.

 **Everybody** : YEAH.

 **Thor** : I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs.

_[After they hear the story where Tony's toe gets cut off]_

**Loki** : I'm sorry.

 **Tony** : Well, sorry doesn't bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home.

****

**_The One with Clint's Sandwich_ [5.09]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=9)]

 **Steve** : I'm taking a Literature class at the New School.

 **Tony** : That is so cool.

 **Steve** : Yeah, well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! You know, I just thought this time I'd go for something, you know, a little more intellectual... with a less painful final exam.

**Clint** : Someone at work ate my sandwich!

 **Tony** : Well, what did the _police_ say?

 **Clint** : My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich! I can't believe someone ate it!

 **Tony** : It's just a sandwich!

 **Clint** : Just a sandwich? I'm 30 years old, I'm going to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! SOMEONE ATE THE ONLY GOOD THING GOING ON IN MY LIFE! _[pauses]_

 **Loki** : I have enough stuff for one more sandwich. I was going to eat it myself, but...

 **Clint** : That would be incredible! Thank you so much! I still can't believe someone ate it!! I left a note!

 **Tony** : _[reading the note]_ "Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "Clint Barton’s lunch." "'Clint Barton’s lunch' who?" "Clint Barton’s lunch; please don't take me, ok?"

 **Thor** : I'm surprised you didn't go home _wearing_ your lunch!

 **Steve** : You want to hold on to your food, you have to scare people off. I learned that living on the street.

 **Clint** : Really? So what would you say? "Keep your mitts off my grub"?

 **Tony** : Clint, when you picture Steve living on the street, is he surrounded by the entire cast of _[Annie](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Annie)_?

**Steve** : _[writing a note]_ This will keep them away from your stuff!

_[Everyone sees the note and gasps]_

**Loki** : Steve, you are a badass!

 **Steve** : Someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed a cop!

 **Loki** : Steve!

 **Steve** : _He stabbed me first_!!

****

**_The One with the Inappropriate Sister_ [5.10]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=10)]

 **Loki** : Ego, you know Phil? He’s nice. He’s not bad to look at, right?

 **Phil** : Thanks, Mon.

 **Ego** : Well, of course.

 **Loki** : Do you want to go out on a date with him?

 **Phil** : Loki!

 **Ego** : Absolutely! Is Friday okay?

 **Loki** : Friday’s perfect. He can’t wait.

 **Ego** : _[to Loki]_ On the date, I will be able to talk to him directly?

**Ego** : I had a really nice time tonight.

 **Phil** : So did I. I'm really glad Loki asked us out.

****

**_The One with All the Resolutions_ [5.11]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=11)]

 **Clint** : I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99. Whoo."

 **Phil** : But your divorce isn't even final yet.

 **Clint** : Just the one divorce in '99. WHOO. You know what? I'm going to be happy this year, I'm gonna make myself happy.

 **Tony** : Do you want us to leave the room, or...?

**Tony** : _[giving up on his resolution not to make fun of his friends]_ I can't take it anymore! So you win, okay? Capsicle? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your _home planet_! And Clint, phone call for you today - [Tom Jones](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Jones_\(singer\)), he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What? Are you dating a character from _[Fraggle Rock](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fraggle_Rock)_?

****

**_The One with Tony's Work Laugh_ [5.12]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=12)]

 **Thor** : Look, it's not that big a deal. So, Loki and Tony are doing it.

 **Phil** : I cannot believe you would say that!

 **Thor** : Sorry. Loki and Tony are "making love."

**Clint** : Justin and I have a lot in common. We've both been divorced, we both have kids...

 **Steve** : So, you're gonna see him again?

 **Thor** : Steve, don't put ideas in his head!

 **Clint** : I _am_ gonna see him again.

 **Thor** : Dammit, Steve!

****

**_The One with Thor's Bag_ [5.13]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=13)]

_[Outfitting him for a role, Phil encourages Thor to carry a unisex leather bag.]_

**Thor** : But it _is_ odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man!

 **Phil** : Exactly! [Unisex](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/unisex)!

 **Thor** : Tch! Maybe _you_ need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.

 **Phil** : No, no, Thor! U-N-I-sex.

 **Thor** : Well! Ain't gonna say "no" to that!

****

**_The One Where Everybody Finds Out_ [5.14]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=14)]

 **Loki** : You are so cute. How did you get to be so cute?

 **Tony** : Well, my grandfather was Swedish, and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.

**Steve** : So, this is my underwear.

 **Tony** : It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very happy we're gonna have all the sex.

 **Steve** : You should be. I'm _very_ bendy. I'm going to kiss you now.

 **Tony** : Not if I kiss you first. _[They awkwardly put their hands on each other]_ Well...I guess there's nothing left for us to do but... but kiss.

 **Steve** : Here it comes. Our first kiss.

_[They slowly reach each other and kiss, which Tony breaks away from]_

**Tony** : Okay, okay, okay, you win! You win! I can't have sex with you!

 **Steve** : And why not?

 **Tony** : Because I'm in love with Loki!

 **Steve** : You're... you're what?

 **Tony** : _[as Phil, Loki and Thor enter]_ Love him! That's right, I love him! I love you, Loki.

 **Loki** : I love you, too, Tony. _[they kiss]_

 **Steve** : I just thought you guys were doing it. I didn't know you were in love.

****

**_The One with the Girl Who Hits Thor_ [5.15]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=15)]

 **Loki** : Do you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?

 **Tony** : Well, no, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry's about fourth, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married.

**Thor** : Hey Clint, will you pass me that knife?

 **Clint** : No, I will not!

 **Thor** : Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it.

 **Clint** : You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me? _[They all laugh]_.

 **Steve** : Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week.

****

**_The One with the Cop_ [5.16]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=16)]

 **Phil** : I brought reinforcements.

 **Clint** : You brought Thor?

 **Phil** : Um... no, but I brought the next best thing.

_[Tony walks in.]_

**Tony** : Hey.

 **Clint** : Tony? You brought Tony? The next best thing would have been Loki!

 **Tony** : Normally I'd be offended, but he _is_ freakishly strong.

**Clint** : Look, I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. Okay, Phil, that's you. That's the couch.

 **Phil** : Whoa, what's ... what's that?

 **Clint** : Oh, that's me.

 **Phil** : Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.

 **Clint** : No! That's ... that's my arm.

 **Tony** : Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.

****

**_The One with Phil's Inadvertent Kiss_ [5.17]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=17)]

 **Loki** : Steve and Bucky think they're the hotter couple. So, to prove them wrong we have to go and have a ton of sex.

 **Tony** : Loki, you've got to stop this competitiveness. Just to prove them wrong you want me to go upstairs and have sex with you over, and over, and over, and I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat!

**Loki** : _[creeps up on Tony, in the men's room]_ You know, Tony, I've always found public men's rooms to be quite sexy. Haven't you?

 **Tony** : No… maybe? What did you have in mind?

**_[The One Where Phil Smokes](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_One_Where_Rachel_Smokes)_ [5.18]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=18)]

 **Tony** : You smoked.

 **Phil** : I did not.

 **Tony** : Yes, you did. You look happy and sick-- you smoked!

 **Phil** : All right, fine, but I had to. I had to do it for my career.

 **Tony** : I wish I had to smoke for my career.

**Thor** : Hi, Peter. So, you want to be an actor, huh? Well, I got to tell you, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability. I mean, one day you're Dr. Drake Ramoray. The next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle. It's a tough life. I mean, sure, okay you can get up whenever you want, watch T.V. all day, meet tons of women in acting class... Who am I kidding? I can't talk you out of this. It's a great life.

****

**_[The One Where Clint Can't Flirt](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_One_Where_Ross_Can%27t_Flirt)_ [5.19]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=19)]

 **Tony** : Phil, did it bother you when Clint flirted with other men?

 **Phil** : No, it bothered me when he slept with other men.

**Jane** : Where's the chicken?

 **Tony** : Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off. Said, "Eggs came first."

****

**_[The One with the Ride-Along](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_One_with_the_Ride-Along)_ [5.20]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=20)]

 **Tony** : _[sniffs]_ This sandwich _does_ smell good...

 **Thor** : Did I say you could smell my sandwich?

 **Tony** : I _can't_ smell your sandwich?

 **Thor** : No! Half of the taste is in the smell! You're sucking up all the taste units!

 **Tony** : Okay, I'll give them back. _[exhales]_

**Loki** : Man, I would be great in a war! I really think I'd make a fantastic military leader. I mean, I know I'd make general before any of you guys.

 **Tony** : Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

****

**_The One with the Ball_ [5.21]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=21)]

 **Thor** : So is Staten Island really an island?

 **Clint** : Hence the name: Staten _Island._

 **Thor** : Oh, I thought it was like Long Island.

 **Clint** : Also an island!

_[Phil comes in with a[sphynx cat](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/sphynx_cat).]_

**Phil** : Check it out!

 **Clint** : What... what is ?

 **Thor** : What... What the hell is that?

 **Phil** : It... It's a cat.

 **Thor** : That is not a cat.

 **Phil** : Yes, it is.

 **Clint** : Why is it inside out?

****

**_The One with Thor's Big Break_ [5.22]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=22)]

 **Steve** : _[about which route to take to Vegas]_ Oh, if you take the northern route, there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees.

 **Thor** : Great! Problem solved!

 **Steve** : But on the southern route, there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.

 **Thor** : Well, back to square one.

**Loki** : Open your eyes.

 **Phil** : They are.

_[Phil's eyes are closed]_

**Loki** : How many fingers am I holding up?

 **Phil** : Four.

 **Loki** : Oh, my God. I was thinking four.

 **Phil** : Really?

 **Loki** : OK, now this is just practice. One... two... three.

_[Phil quickly jerks his head to avoid the eyedrops]_

**Loki** : My pillow's all wet.

 **Phil** : Well, you said it was practice.

 **Loki** : Then why did you move your head?

 **Phil** : Because I knew you were lying.

****

**_The One in Vegas: Part 1_ [5.23]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=23)]

 **Phil** : No! Steve, just because I'm alone doesn't mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked.

 **Steve** : Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door?

**Steve** : This place is so much better than London! Okay? This lady dressed like Cleopatra gave me a coupon, 99 cent steak and lobster dinner. Huh!

 **Loki** : Steve, you don't eat animals.

 **Steve** : For 99 cents, I'd eat you.

****

**_The One in Vegas: Part 2_ [5.24]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Friends_\(season_5\)&action=edit&section=24)]

_[Clint and Phil are drunk in Vegas]_

**Thor** : Hey Phil. How you doin'?

 **Phil** : I'm doing good baby. How you doin'?

 **Thor** : Clint. Don't let him drink anymore.


	15. Source: Total Drama Action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony, Thor, Natasha, Darcy, Wanda, Clint, Phil, Bruce, Jane, Peter, Wade, Pietro, Steve, Bucky, and a surprise addition compete for one million dollars!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hits:666
> 
> if that isn't a call for another chapter, what is?

**Monster Cash [2.01]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=2)]

 **Nick** : Last season on _[Total Drama Island](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Total_Drama_Island)_ , Monty and Vanessa battled it out for $100,000! In the end, Vanessa barely won the case. This year, our contestants have been instructed to report to an old film lot for a whole new set of Challenges! I’m your new host, Nick Fury. Fourteen days, fourteen new castmates, and one heck of a lot of Cash! Welcome to, Total, Drama, Action!

_[the 14 contestants get dropped off at a film lot.]_

**Tony** : Man, I miss the smell of the city.

_[everyone else got off the bus.]_

**Natasha** : _[with her new wig]_ Step off!

 **Clint** : You step off!

_[Both growl at each other, before falling off the bus. Clint runs into Bruce, and Bruce runs into Jane]_

**Bruce** : Ow! Sorry, Jane!

 **Jane** : No harm done! _[the bus drives away]_ Where is everybody?

 **Clint** : Uh. Maybe we got off at the wrong stop.

 **Thor** : That broken-down bus only had one stop.

 **Natasha** : I'm not hanging around here.

 **Jane** : You're gonna give up the chance at a Million Big-Ones. That's a lot of hair-weaves.

 **Natasha** : Guess I can stay for a bit.

 **Darcy** : Face it. The money's the reason we all put up with Nick.

 **Phil** : Darcy, you got your braces off. Nice!

 **Thor** : Hot as ever.

 **Jane** : _[pulls Thor away from Darcy]_ You look Fi-i-i-ne, girl!

 **Clint** : You really do!

 **Wanda** : You're totally on your way to looking the part of my new BFF! That's my new best French friend. I'm so moving to France when I win.

 **Darcy** : My mom said my world would totally open up when I got my braces off! She was right! I'M going to France!

 **Wanda and Darcy** : Yay!

_[suddenly, Nick drives up in a cart.]_

**Tony** : Dude! It's about time!

 **Nick** : Hop on, Everyone! C'mon, people! Sheesh! We haven't got all day! This cart's rented by the hour!

 **Peter** : Wade! Run! _[Wade whistles]_ I mean, Deadpool.

 **Deadpool** : No one leaves Deadpool behind! _[Tarzan yell]_.

**Nick** : Welcome to the set of _Total Drama Action_! This season's hottest reality show will be shot here on an abandoned film lot.

 **Wanda** : _[gasps]_ Does this mean we're going to be in the movies?

 **Nick** : No, it means you're going to be on TV. And don't interrupt me. Ever! _[flicks finger on Wanda's nose]_

 **Wanda** : Oops! Sorry.

 **Nick** : You'll be spending the next six weeks here. Competing against each other in challenges and for rewards. All for the chance to win some monster cash.

 **Peter** : Yeah baby, I'm going to win some moolah!

 **Nick** : Sheesh! Like last season, one team will win, and the other team will watch one of their own make their way down the dreaded Walk of Shame to the Lame-o-sine _[rolls up window]_

_[Lame-o-sine causes dust to spread on the trolley, everybody chokes and coughs]_

**Phil** : Could you have sprung for a better ride?

 **Nick** : _[rolls down the window]_ No. Now since we don't have the outhouse to dump your deepest darkest secrets in, you'll dish the dirt in our new makeup confessional.

**Phil** : _[to Peter, who finally arrives at the cast trailers]_ It took you ten and a half hours to walk three city blocks?

 **Pietro** : That's just sad, man.

_[Peter pulls a pin out of nowhere and uses it to pop the bounce house]_

**Tony** : How come no one thought of doing that last night? _[everyone groans]_

 **Jane** : _[after getting freed from the jumping castle]_ Wait! Where's Wade?

_[the monster returns and drops off Wade, stepping on a trailer in the process]_

**Wade** : Thanks for the date, baby! Don't ever leave me, cause I'd find you!

_[Peter glares with jealousy]_

**Tony** : How did you manage to escape?

 **Wade** : Monster and I had a romantic date. He doesn't take no for an answer. Mm-hmm. Pretty crazy, can't even tell you guys.

**Thor** : _[arrives]_ Let's get this speed-eating contest started! On your marks, get set, _[runs off]_ come to papa!

 **Nick** : No way!

_[Thor eats all the food on the table and mumbles after he finishes all of it]_

**Nick** : _[to Thor, after watching him eat everything in the craft services tent]_ Thor, the man of many appetites. How was it?

 **Thor** : The turkey was a bit-- _[burps]_ \--dry.

 **Nick** : Not surprising, since the food was fake.

 **Thor** : Fake?

 **Nick** : Yep! Just props made from foamcore, silicone, sawdust, and wax. It wasn't a speed eating contest. It was a contest to find the key.

 **Thor** : What key? _[burps out a key]_ Oh! You mean this key?

 **Nick** : That'd be the one.

 **Thor** : Does this mean I win?

 **Nick** : Yes. Yes, it does.

 **Thor** : Alright!

 **Tony** : _[confessional; laughing]_ Did you see that? The dude ate foamcore and wax! Full props for that, man. _[continues laughing]_

 **Bucky** : _[confessional]_ Way to find the key, dude! I used to think Thor was just some party kid, but he's really a stand-up guy. Party on!

 **Bruce** : _[confessional]_ I could have done that, you know. I just wasn't hungry.

 **Peter** : _[confessional]_ No, wait, wait, wait, wait! There's still one more! _[burps very loudly]_

 **Jane** : _[confessional]_ You know what that boy has? Guts! Guts full of foamcore and rubber. But guts still the same.

_[Thor is still lying on the table after gorging down faux foods and Sees Sharon about to give him a dissolvable indigestion stimulator]_

**Thor** : Oh, don't worry. I'm good. _[laughs]_ My mom says I got a gut like a goat's. _[bowel movement noise]_ Nope, call 911.

 **Nick** : _[walks over to Thor]_ You're gonna need it, since you're the winner, you get first pick of the trailers. _[the teens cheer]_

**Thor** : _[while choosing the trailer]_ I choose... the squashed one! _[his team argues]_ What? It has more character!

 **Other Team** : _[cheers until the monster squashes their trailer; they groan]_

**Alien Resur-eggtion [2.02]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=3)]

 **Natasha** : _[After Sharon shoots her with the paintball gun and her wig falls off]_ My wig! _[She jumps to grab it but it was too late]_ No! Don't look at me! _[Confessional]_ My hair grows in all patchy and uneven. I have tried everything. Lotions, lasers, traditional Burmese medicine, _[she sips from her cup but ends up spitting out the medicine in disgust and throws the cup to the side]_ Loser shamin'!

**Nick** : And the Gilded Nick goes to Phil, Clint, Bruce, Tony, and Wade.

 **Deadpool** : Deadpool!

 **Nick** : Fine! Deadpool! Wanda, Peter, and Darcy are also safe!

 **Both** : _[Hugs Thor]_ Yay!

 **Nick** : And so is Thor, my man!

 **Thor** : Aww. Thanks, Nick! And thanks, Sharon! For doing what the prunes couldn't!

 **Nick** : Next is Pietro, surprisingly Natasha and last but not least... _[Steve, Bucky, and Jane are the bottom three]_ Jane!

 **Jane** : Whoo-Hoo! _[Hugs Steve and Bucky]_ Oops! My bad!

_[Bucky and Steve had their first elimination that consisted of a double elimination, in which the two castmates with the highest number of votes would be eliminated.]_

**Steve** : But, But. I thought everyone liked us.

 **Tony** : _Liked_ being the operative word. _[Confessional]_ I know exactly who's going to get it this week! _[mimics Steve and Bucky kissing]_

 **Wanda** : _[Confessional]_ Two words! Steve and Bucky!

 **Pietro** : Least they'll have each other!

**Riot on Set [2.03]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=4)]

 **Nick** : Okay, let’s get this bloodbath started. You’re gonna choose schoolyard style. Boy, girl, boy, girl. Ladies first. Since we have no ladies here, Clint.

 **Clint** : _[sighs]_ I dunno. Tony?

 **Phil** : _[gasps; Confessional]_ I can’t believe he just went ahead and chose Tony! I mean, they’re kind of alike. And now he wants to be on the same team? What am I supposed to make of that? You think you know a person! _[End confessional]_ I choose the beautiful Wanda!

 **Wanda** : Yay!

 **Clint** : _[confessional]_ “The beautiful”? What, was Phil trying to tick me off by picking Wanda like that? You think you know a person. _[End confessional]_ Because I like to keep things cool, I pick Jane.

 **Jane** : The girls are back in town!

 **Phil** : I choose Thor.

 **Clint** : Oh. Pick all the good-looking contestants. That’ll get you far.

 **Phil** : It will in show biz.

 **Clint** : _[growls]_ Pietro.

 **Phil** : Darcy.

 **Jane** : Remember, keep your enemies closer.

 **Clint** : No. Really? You don’t mean... Fine. We choose Natasha.

 **Natasha** : Really? _[Confessional]_ It’s about time someone realized who’s the most valuable player here. I mean, seriously, people.

 **Phil** : _[Confessional]_ How do you choose between flakier and flakiest? _[End confessional]_ Dude, I don’t know. I had to pick someone. I choose Peter.

 **Peter** : Woohoo! _[high fives Phil]_

 **Bruce** : Uh, hello? Don’t wicked skills count for anything? I mean, who else here went to film camp and is fully trained as a junior cinematographer with a thorough knowledge of lighting filters, film stop–

 **Clint** : I pick Bruce. If for no other reason but to shut him up.

 **Bruce** : Wise choice.

 **Phil** : Um, I guess Wade is on my team then. Wade?

_[Deadpool ignores and whistles]_

**Wanda** : He likes to be called Deadpool.

 **Phil** : _[sighs]_ Oh, right. Deadpool?

 **Deadpool (Wade)** : Here! Hi!

 **Nick** : Clint, I christen your team, The Screaming Gaffers. Phil, you’re the Killer Grips.

 **Darcy** : Grip? I-I don’t wanna be a grip.

 **Natasha** : Please. It’s not like being called a gaffer is something to brag about. It sounds like something that has rabies.

**Wade** : Oh, please. Let me do it! It's gotta be me. I've got an old soul! I'm like, eighty-seven years old on the inside, because I've been reincarnated, like a bunch of times! Actually, I'm the reincarnation of my very own Granny Mavis! _[Scottish accent]_ Aye there, laddie! You spilled a wee bit of haggis on yer kilt! And I can tell ya, all the lots are risin' up to the claw!

 **All** : Okay, fine!

**Wanda** : Your makeup, gorgeous! And now, I'm gonna make you really feel like an old lady!

_(crack)_

**Wade** : I feel like eighty years have already passed since they've started to adjust the lighting!

 **Darcy** : Don't move.

 **Wade** : Oh, don't worry. I can't. My legs are totally asleep!

 **Peter** : Could I get that last line again?

 **Wade** : My legs are asleep! _(Peter screams)_

_[Deadpool got eliminated because he lost the acting challenge for his team.]_

**Nick** : ...Wade! Time to go.

 **Deadpool** : I'm not going anywhere. That's not my name.

 **Nick** : Can I get a pen, over here? _[is given a pen and writes on the results]_ It says "Deadpool, now, okay? _[Deadpool nods]_ Yo, guys, wanna make sure we keep this ballot in the files as an official record of Deadpool’s departure? I'll notarize it. Foresight, that's why they pay me the big bucks!

**Beach Blanket Bogus [2.04]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=5)]

 **Wanda** : Yay! Go Thor!

 **Darcy** : Yeah, go!

 **Wanda** : Copycat!

 **Darcy** : Tanorexic! _(gasps)_ Sorry. Friendship bracelet?

**3:10 to Crazytown [2.05]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=6)]

 **Jane** : _[Confessional, her hair poofs up]_ Darn! Humidity! Whatcha think you're looking at! Nothing to see here!

**Jane** : Uh, Nick! You are gonna send someone to help Pietro, right?

 **Nick** : _[laughs]_.

_[The screen paused]_

_[Natasha and Jane are assigned to break the tie]_

**Jane** : After you, teammate!

_[Natasha and Jane pull themselves together and they climb the ladder.]_

**Jane** : …

 **Natasha** : …

_[Natasha continues climbing with Jane following behind.]_

**Jane** : At least I have hair!

 **Natasha** : Yours is so big, it has it own gravity!

 **Jane** : Oh. I'll give you gravity! _[pushes Natasha off the board, but Nat holds on to Jane and the two girls fall]_

 **Clint** : Where'd they go?

 **Nick** : Not there! Way up there!

_[Natasha and Jane are hanging by a weathervane]_

_[Phil got eliminated because Thor heard that he was throwing challenges for Clint and told Clint that she owed them. Clint then requested the team to vote him off]_

**Phil** : _[after he got eliminated]_ What? This has to be a mistake!

 **Nick** : Phil, it’s time to go.

 **Phil** : But I can’t leave without saying goodbye to Clint!

 **Nick** : Yo, Sharon? A little help here?

 **Phil** : _[gets carried by Sharon]_ Clint! _[gets dropped off the limo]_

 **Nick** : 3:10 to Crazytown. Phil is now aboard.

 **Clint** : Did you call me in here just to make me feel bad?

 **Nick** : Yes, yes we did.

 **Clint** : Well it worked.

 **Nick** : My work here is done.

**Aftermath 1 [2.06]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=7)]

 **Bucky** : Don't forget to join Nick next time for another thrilling episode of Total...Drama....

_[Steve tackles Bucky down]_

**Deadpool** : Action-e!

**The Sharonshank Redemption [2.07]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=8)]

 **Nick** : Could it be the Grips?

_[Wanda, Thor, Peter, and Darcy are sitting on the bench]_

**Peter** : Hey! We heard that!

 **Darcy** : It could still happen! We're not losers!

**Peter** : I love you guys! I promise I'll never ever blow another morning- _[farts]_ Starting now! _[farts again]_ I mean now! _[green steam comes up from the vent in their trailer]_

_[Peter's attempting to reach the trailer's air duct]_

**Bruce** : Peter you'll never fit.

 **Peter** : I can try my best.

 **Bruce** : It's not about trying, it's just a scientific fact.

 **Thor** : _[screams]_ A hang mail!

 **Bruce** : No time, Thor! Climb! Climb! There'd be a lot more to climb if Mount Pietro was here.

 **Tony** : Where _is_ Pietro anyway?

_[Wade emerges from the soil and returns to the game]_

**Screaming Gaffers** : Deadpool?!

 **Wade** : Yip! Yip! Yip!

 **Tony** : Yep, I'd say that's him.

 **Wade** : Yep! I've been living underground amongst the prairie dogs. _[an angry prairie dog emerges from his hair, growling]_ Aw, Butchie, it's okay. These are my friends.

**Wade** : Follow me! I know a shortcut to the finish-place.

 **Clint** : _[nervously]_ A shortcut?!

 **Natasha** : Isn't it great, Clint? We're totally going to win, Clint!

**Wade** : Alright, Killer Grips! _[laughs]_ High Five!

 **Wanda** : But… we voted you off.

 **Wade** : Uh-uh! You voted off Deadpool.

**Peter** : If you were food, you'd be dessert! Chocolate covered chocolate with chocolate sauce and sprinkles... _[laughs]_...chocolate ones!!!

 **Wade** : _[laughs]_ That is so nice, Peter! You're a banana split with, like, twenty-six bananas and a whole lotta "split"! Yeah! Too funny.

_[Clint got eliminated because he threw the challenge and voted himself off to repay the Killer Grips for when Phil was throwing challenges for him]_

**Nick** : Time's up! I'll tell you the votes! Tony, Jane, Pietro, and Bruce. Another award and one day to compete. Tonight's final Gilded Nick and another chance at the million goes to... Natasha!

 **Natasha** : _[to Clint]_ Sorry, Clint, you're not the winner. You lost, so you're a loser. It's just logic!

 **Jane** : _[in confessional]_ Voting for Clint? Yeah, that hurt. I'm not saying Natasha was right, but something must have gone on for Clint, smacking Bruce upside his sweet, little head like that. Boy wasn't right, and when you're not right, _you’re wrong_.

 **Bruce** : _[in confessional]_ Thing is, if Clint had stayed in the game; according to prison rules, I'd either have to break a shovel over his head or fall in love with him. Obviously, neither option was feasible.

 **Natasha** : _[in confessional]_ My vote plus Jane and Bruce's equals the greatest day of my life. Bye bye, Clinty!

_[Sharon puts handcuffs on Clint]_

**Sharon** : Dead boy walking!

 **Tony** : Leave him, take me!

 **Sharon** : Sure, whatever. _[Sharon takes handcuffs off Clint]_

 **Tony** : What? Wait, wait! Okay, I didn't actually mean...

 **Clint** : _[takes handcuffs out of Sharon's hands]_ Nice try, Tony. You're not getting off that easy. Good luck, eh? _[in confessional]_ Definition of lousy: being a stickler for your word and having to vote yourself off. _[looks and points upwards]_ Whoever's in charge of karma, I hope that counts for something!

 **Nick** : _[shown looking like he is beaten up]_ Folks are getting feisty! Voting yourself off may win you a few 'karma points', but they do lose you a million bucks. Check... you... later.

**One Flu Over the Cuckoos [2.08]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=9)]

 **Bruce** : _[confessional]_ He's a worthless punk, or my name isn't Robert Bruce Cheever Doris Banner, the fifth. _[gasps upon realizing that he said his full name]_ Please don't tell Tony about the Doris part!

**Peter** : You're magnificent.

_(Wade eats pizza with no hands and goes overboard)_

**Wanda** : My hair!

 **Thor** : My pecs!

 **Peter** : My pizza!

**Natasha** : Wow, you actually do have a heart.

 **Tony** : I vote for Jane to win the reward.

_[Jane cries, and then interns take her to the limo]_

**The Sand Witch Project [2.09]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=10)]

 **Pietro** : Maybe it's time to stop cheating. Being in this alliance with you? It makes me feel all kinds of wrong inside!

 **Sharon** : This is not about right or wrong, son. It's about you and me winning that cool mil!

**Wanda** : Darcy is going to be our killer and that is that!

_[Sharon appears with a chainsaw; Tony, Natasha, and Pietro scream, with Pietro fainting.]_

**Nick** : Well. It looks like the well-known Screaming Gaffers have won this one, seeing as they bury the needle. Join us after the break to see if Pietro’s still alive. Pietro! Come in, Pietro!

**Pietro’s Mother** : _[in Pietro’s dream]_ Mama hates a cheater, Pietro Django! I’m very disappointed in you, poopy-doo.

_[The Killer Grips are at the ceremony after they lost the challenge]_

**Nick** : And now, fraidy-cat Grips, it's time to announce who will not win a Gilded Nick this week! Who deserves to go home bitterly disappointed, tears in their eyes? _[Sharon, with a glare, gives Nick a slip of paper]_ And the Gilded Nicks go to Wade, Darcy, Peter. Still on the chopping block, Wanda and Thor.

 **Wanda** : What? I can't be going. Why would people be mad at me? Darcy?

 **Darcy** : You were a little… bossy.

 **Wanda** : Hello! It’s called leadership.

 **Nick** : And the final Gilded Nick goes to…

_[Wanda is about to be voted off, but Pietro announces that he’s quitting the game out of guilt for the secret alliance he has with Sharon Carter]_

**Pietro** : _Stop_! I'm gonna do what I've should've done long ago. Make mama proud. I'm voting myself off.

 **Sharon** : Pietro! _[laughs sheepishly]_ Why don't you and I have a chat before you do anything stupid!

 **Pietro** : No, Sharon! I'm not listening to you anymore! Sharon and me, we had an illegal alliance. _[Everyone gasps upon hearing this]_ She's been tutoring me and coaching me through the challenges. I'll miss you all!

 **Peter** : Wait. Wait. Wait. You've been cooking all the delicious food. The pizza, the cheesecake, the sandwiches.

 **Tony** : Dude! You can't leave!

 **Thor** : _[The Killer Grips walk onstage]_ Yeah! Can't we just vote Sharon off instead?

 **Pietro** : Sorry, buddy! Gotta make it right for mama!

 **All** : Aww...

**Masters of Disasters [2.10]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=11)]

 **Nick** : Just as the Killer Grips were about to cut someone loose, Pietro’s conscience, A.K.A. Mama Pietro, got the best of him. Pietro called himself out as a cheater, hopped into the lame-o-sine, and rode off into the sunset.

**Sharon** : _[pulls out giant book]_ Ahhh, my unpublished manifesto. I've lived a lotta years! _[he hurls the book at Peter nailing him in the mouth]_

 **Peter** : Ouchie! That'll hurt come morning.

 **Wade** : Oh, no! Peter! Are you okay?

 **Sharon** : _[smugly]_ My editor was right, my life really is dangerous!

**Darcy** : _[confessional]_ Did Peter actually break his jaw?! _[gasps]_ That’s so tragic! Peter lives to eat!

 **Wade** : _[confessional]_ Peter is my buddy! He’s the only one who truly gets me. If something happens to Peter, I’ll be stuck with my imaginary friends. And let’s face it. I should’ve ditched them years ago. _[hollow knock]_ Yeah, Cable. I’m talking to you!

**Nick** : The good news is, it looks like Peter won the challenge for the Killer Grips!

 **Jane** : Oh, no, he didn't!

 **Bruce** : Yeah, we got our whole team across the finish line!

 **Nick** : Serious injury trumps all!

 **Natasha** : You just make up the rules as you go along, don't you?

 **Nick** : I love my job!

**Wade** : How's Peter doing?

 **Nick** : Oh, Peter's fine, a little broken jaw, but it's all wired shut now. Shouldn't take more than 4 - 6 weeks to heal.

 **Darcy** : Oh no! It's that bad?

 **Nick** : _[with feigned enthusiasm]_ I mean, he's doing fine.

_[The Killer Grips glare at him.]_

**Nick** : Okay, here’s the deal. You can go and eat with the Gaffers… if you promise not to sue.

 **Peter** : _[through teeth]_ Promise.

 **Nick** : Promise-promise? Not like, fake promise? Your fingers aren’t crossed, are they? Enjoy.

**Peter** : _[through teeth]_ Hey! You dropped your chips in my pop! Hey! You spilled your pop in my chips!

**Full Metal Drama [2.11]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=12)]

 **Peter** : _[clenched teeth]_ It’s not about what I’m doing, it’s about what I’m not doing.

 **Bruce** : Pipes a little backed up?

 **Peter** : _[clenched teeth]_ Who knew a diet of blended corn beef and cheese puff shakes could stop my whole system? _[strains]_ C’mon, c’mon! Just a nugget!

 **Sharon** : Make way, coming through!

 **Peter** : _[clenched teeth]_ Sharon, a little privacy? I’m trying to poop-a-doop here.

 **Sharon** : Doctors orders, I’ve got the cure for your no-can-doo-doo right here. One part fruit, nine parts bran.

 **Peter** : _[clenched teeth] That isn’t even food-esque!_

 **Sharon** : Don’t push, kid. They’re making me serve you on account of my bad behavior.

 **Jane** : Give it here. I’ve been starving half to death since Pietro left! _[drinks it all]_

 **Sharon** : Girl’s gonna feel that.

 **Jane** : My, my! Who knew liquid bran could be so tasty? _[burps]_ Even on the return trip.

 **Peter** : _[clenched teeth]_ I’d say that my work here is done, but I never even got started.

_[Jane was busy fanning Peter.]_

**Tony** : What’s going on in here?

 **Natasha** : I’m trying not to puke is all.

 **Jane** : Y’all, I really think it might be over now. I’m feeling much– [farts]

 **Natasha** : Ugh! I am out!

 **Tony** : It smells like blue cheese in here!

 **Jane** : I’m so sorry. I feel like I really let the team down.

 **Tony** : You think? Bruce, what have you been doing all this time?

 **Bruce** : Trying to keep the team together, no thanks to you. Or Miss Toxic Emissions here.

 **Jane** : Be mad at Sharon, she made the stupid smoothies.

 **Tony** : Ugh, you can’t do anything right! You’re an idiot!

 **Bruce** : At least I’m here. At least I’m trying. What kind of lousy Marine leaves his squad all alone?

_[Jane farts]_

**Tony** : Dude, we gotta get out of here.

 **Bruce** : Not until you say we’re a team.

_[Jane farts again]_

**Tony** : Who cares when we’re gonna die of toxic butt poisoning?

 **Bruce** : And say you value my contributions. _[Jane's stomach rumbles]_ That ominous warning usually means a really bad one is coming.

 **Tony** : There are worse ones? You’re not a complete loser, okay? I value the small portion of you that isn’t a loser. Can we go now?

 **Bruce** : Anything you want, teamie.

_[Tony and Bruce open a box after they won immunity for their team]_

**Tony** : All this sadness.

 **Bruce** : All these tears!

 **Tony** : Dude, no tears. That was just our eyes watering off Jane’s butt blasts!

 **Bruce** : Still. All this hatred, for what?

 **Tony** : An empty trunk!

 **Bruce** : The madness of war!

 **Bruce and Tony** : Why?!

_[Wade got eliminated again because Thor convinced Darcy and Wanda to vote him off, as opposed to him when he told him that he wasn't that cute.]_

**Nick** : This one's a nail-biter. I'd say no one's safe. Wanda, how do you feel about your chances?

 **Wanda** : Let's face it, Nick! It was my lousy Admiraling that cost us the challenge, if I go home tonight, I won't blame anyone, except Darcy.

 **Darcy** : Why me?

 **Wanda** : I had to blame someone.

 **Nick** : Then, there's Wade. You overdid it on the first challenge and cost your team an important victory. Will it be your crazy bum sitting in the lamousine tonight for the second time?

 **Wade** : Regenerating Degenerate does not answer most questions!

 **Nick** : Thor! Darcy and Wanda seem to have kinda left your corner, pretty boy. Are you worried?

 **Thor** : I never worry! Causes wrinklage!

 **Nick** : All right then. Votes have been tabulated. So, it’s time to present the awards. _[A parachute falls along with the vote sheets]_ Tonight, the Gilded Nick goes to… Darcy, Wanda, and… Peter. _[Wade and Thor are the bottom two]_ And now, only two nominees left. The final award goes to... _Thor_! _[Thor is given his Gilded Nick, Wade is shocked]_

 **Wade** : Porqué?

 **Peter** : I'll miss you, Wade. _[Peter is about to kiss, but Sharon grabs Wade, and carries him to the Lame-o-Sine]_

 **Thor** : _[in confessional]_ I'm not saying I voted for Wade just because he said I'm not cute. Okay, it was because of that. Thing is, Darcy and Wanda told me they were sending me home. So, you see? I didn't lose my mojo. I just needed to... shake things up, huh. With my new patented all-time, lady-killing, Mega-Flip. _[Thor flips his hair, by shaking his head]_ I'm back, baby.

**Aftermath II [2.12]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=13)]

 **Clint** : Tony didn't vote me off.

 **Loki** : Only because you had your (censored) hooks into him!

 **Clint** : Loki, we're just friends! Please tell him, Phil.

**Clint** : We're just-

 **Bucky** : _(Pointing to the anvil)_ Watch what you say!

 **Clint** : Friends.

_(The anvil stays where it is, proving that he's telling the truth)_

**Loki** : I am _so_ calling my lawyer!

**Pietro** : If you can't be honest, Steve-

 **Steve** : No, no, that wasn't from me!

_(The anvil comes loose, proving Steve was lying)_

_[Bonus post-Aftermath]_

**Clint** : _[dismayed]_ Oh, man. They really let me have it out there. That was tough. And seeing Phil was no cakewalk either. Guess Phil's the man now. Sure has a lot of people after him. Who knew he had so many fans? It's nice that he stood up for me. Maybe he still likes me a little. _[sees Phil walking by with Scott and Hope, all three laughing; dismayed once again]_ Or not...

**Ocean's Eight - Or Nine [2.13]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=14)]

_[Loki enters the game after winning his lawsuit against the show]_

**Tony** : _[at teller's desk]_ Afternoon, ma'am. That's a great set of legs you got there, but right now I'd like to focus on those lovely hands of yours. I need them to start filling this pillowcase with cash.

 **Loki** : Anything else I can do for you today, _[pulls off wig]_ Anthony?

_[Tony squeaks and then faints]_

**Nick** : _[straining to read a document from Loki's lawyers]_ Teams, it is my honor to report that Loki is in for the duration of the game. _[Loki waves to the Gaffers as Tony looks scared]_ And, we're all exceedingly happy about it!

 **Bruce** : Great news, eh, Tony?

_[Tony shoves Bruce in the face and to the floor]_

**Nick** : So, Loki, since you were our bank teller in the challenge, great job by the way, you get to decide which team deserves to win first prize, your bag of loot.

 **Loki** : The choice is obvious, it's Anthony! The Gaffers were the only team that managed to get to my ticket. _[Tony walks up to get the bag]_ Congratulations.

 **Tony** : _[very confused and strained look and cracking voice]_ Thank you?

 **Natasha** : I've seen manlier men trying on women's shoes.

 **Nick** : _[waves hand over Grips]_ So that means, The Killer Grips win second prize!

 **Thor** : What's second prize?

 **Nick** : _[waves hand over Loki]_ Loki! For the rest of the game, or until he's eliminated!

 **Loki** : _[in confessional]_ Those Total Drama Dirtbags have some nerve making me second place! They will definitely be hearing from my lawyer _[pulls out cell phone]_ again!

_[The Gaffers enjoy their bag of loot after winning the challenge.]_

**Tony** : We’re rich! Oh-ho! Look at all this!

 **Natasha** : "Non-negotiable Nick notes, accepted only in the Total Drama Action craft services tent towards the purchase of water from the tap?!"

 **Bruce** : Sometimes, I really hate that smile of his.

**Nick** : Like always, Killer Grips, one member of your team will not be receiving a coveted Gilded Nick, made of the finest Belgian chocolate. _[Peter's stomach grumbles and his jaw holder breaks loose and a piece hits Loki in the eye]_ But not like always, and this is important to remember: This week, according to our lawyers, none of you are allowed to vote off Loki. You got that, dudes!? The show can't afford any more lawsuits! _[whispers]_ My massage budget has been sliced in half! _[The Killer Grips casted their votes. Sharon gives the vote sheets to Nick]_ And the Gilded Nick Awards go to Darcy, Wanda, Thor. _[looks at the vote sheet]_ Why do I have four votes to boot out Loki when I _specifically_ said you _couldn’t_?

 **Thor** : I guess we couldn't help ourselves.

 **Wanda** : No matter what? My finger would only press the Loki button.

 **Nick** : Well, that leaves us with one vote that counts.

 **Loki** : _Peter_ , you've been eliminated.

_[Peter walks up to Nick]_

**Thor** : This is bull!

 **Wanda** : You can't do that!

 **Nick** : Sorry, bud, no Chocolate Nick Award for you.

 **Peter** : Not even an ear?

 **Thor, Darcy, and Wanda** : Speech, speech, speech, speech!

 **Loki** : He lost the game for us, guys. Hello?

 **Nick** : Anything in your contract that'll stop him from speaking?

 **Loki** : Um, no... but --

 **Nick** : Then... a little light for my friend here.

**Peter** : _[reading his speech]_ This has been the role of a lifetime. Thanks to Thor, who inspired me every day with his physical perfection and "hot dogginess." To Wanda, who is also beautiful, in a "soda-poppy" kind of way. To Darcy, who motivated me with her delicious crispy skin, _[Darcy frowns]_ and her tender, juicy goodness. To Nick, who also smells -- _[The Gilded Nick theme begins to play, as to cut Peter's speech short]_ What? No, no, you can't play me off yet! To my mom, who let me quit piano lessons! To Ned back home, I'm sorry for scamming you out of your Halloween candy.

 **Wanda** : _[in background]_ We love you, Peter!! _[Wanda, Thor, and Darcy throw their Chocolate Nicks at Peter]_

 **Thor** : This Nick is for you.

 **Peter** : _[begins to mumble because of the Nick that landed in his mouth]_ I love this game!

 **Nick** : And that wraps up another totally dramatic episode, without absolutely no loose-ends to tie up. Isn't that right, Sharon?

**One Million Bucks B.C. [2.14]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=15)]

 **Loki** : Hey, girls. _(everyone glares at him)_ Isn't anyone glad to see me?

 **Natasha** : _(creepily)_ Great to have your hair...here! It's great to have you here, Loki!

**Tony** : Our spoiled princess didn't waste any time hooking herself up.

 **Loki** : And you didn't waste any time hooking up with Clint after I left.

**Natasha** : (Confessional) I got some! Loki's hair! Soon it will be mine, all mine! _(starts laughing like a maniac)_ What? I'm not crazy, I'm just bald!

 **Tony** : _(Confessional)_ Having Loki here reminds me how much he drives me crazy. And how much he **drives me crazy.**

**Loki** : _[in confessional make-up room]_ Sure, Tony has this primal animal magnetism, but he also wants to make me hit him where it hurts. _[End Confessional; yells and hits Tony with bone in the crotch]_

**Tony** : _[in confessional make-up room]_ _Eeee_! Why do they always go for the kiwis? _Why_?!!!!

**Natasha** : _(Bonus confessional)_ Reward challenges are such a waste of time. _[an arm pops up and wipes the tar off her face]_ I wish we had a gilded Nick ceremony every night. Let's get on with it already. So I can get my million bucks and get a decent makeover. I mean, a super-sized serving of meat? Who cares? I've got something better... Loki's hair! _[licks the hairpiece and sticks it on her head; An intern barges in and tries to take it, but not before she puts up a fight]_ No, you can't have it! It's mine! Well, okay, it was Loki's, but I took it, which makes it mine! _[The intern takes Loki's hairpiece off of her head and leaves; She puts her caveman wig back on her head, realizing it's stuck on]_ It won't come off! I have hair! I _finally_ have hair!

**Million Dollar Babies [2.15]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=16)]

 **Bruce:** Ooh! Ooh! I got it! Let's cheer for Norbert Swindlow!

 **Natasha:** Who?

 **Bruce:** The inventor of the pom-pom? Duh.

 **Natasha:** I say we cheer for me.

 **Jane:** You?

 **Tony:** I'd rather cheer for my school principal, my butler, Jane.

**Jane** : _[recorded video on Loki's PDA with Sif]_ Ooh, Natasha! Mm! Just mean for the sake of being mean. Wanda has half the brain cells, _max_. And is usually gone out shopping. Ooh, Ooh! Probably with Thor's giant ego. _[laughs]_ Tony, likes to think he's a bad boy, but when Loki’s there, he basically dragged him around by his reactor. Darcy actually wears a side ponytail. A _side_ pony! And Bruce? Darn fool's sweet on me, but he's getting about as much play as an old school cassette in a world of MP3s! _[She and Sif laugh hysterically]_

 **Sif** : Ooh, girl.

_[Loki ends the video, and everyone glares angrily at Jane]_

**Jane** : You don't understand, that was _outside_ the game! I didn't know anybody'd see it!

 **Wanda** : So, you weren't just joking? I thought maybe you were joking.

_[Natasha got eliminated because Jane's cheerleading convinced Tony and Bruce to vote for her, who lost a challenge and had a bad reputation from past actions, instead of Jane]_

**Nick** : So, the Gaffers lose it again! Must be tough! Especially with your own teammate dissing you all over the World Wide Web.

 **Jane** : Hey! I got enough problems with you messing things up.

 **Nick** : And Natasha, you would have to feel awful about your humiliating. loss to Darcy on the badminton court. ( _Pause_ ) Natasha?

 **Natasha** : Sorry! I'm trying to remember what feeling awful is like.

 **Nick** : Tony might remember, since he lost to a girl in wrestling.

 **Tony** : He’s not a girl. He's Loki! It's a whole other thing!

 **Nick** : Bruce! I'd say you might be the only one who might be safe.

 **Bruce** : Well, Nick. I...

 **Nick** : No one wants to hear it! _[Gave Bruce a Gilded Nick]_ Just take the statue! _[Tosses another Gilded Nick to Tony]_ Diaper Shark! You're safe too! _[Natasha and Jane are the bottom two]_ Jane...

 **Jane** : _[nervously]_ Yes?

 **Nick** : I'm sorry, but...heads up!

_[Jane catches the award and stands up in delight]_

**Jane** : Yes!

 **Natasha** : What?! You voted me off?! Me?!!

**Jane** : Natasha, if it's worth anything, you can count me as a friend. _[Natasha smiles]_ Just don't tell anyone that I said so, and if this ends up on the TDA Website, I'll pretend it was all CGI.

 **Natasha** : Hey, something to remember me by, _[takes off her wig, and hands it to Jane]_ and to wear next time your hair looks as bad as it does today. _[Natasha steps into the Lame-O-Sine, and Jane scowls as it drives away]_

**Natasha** : _[Lame-o-sine bonus]_ You know, it's really just a total relief to be out of there. In a mill isn't worth wasting another second of my time with those freaks. At least I didn't have to lick anyone's armpit. And now, I have the time to get a weave and correct this travesty. I mean the million would have come in handy to get some totally rad extensions, and my dad's so cheap I'll probably end up with pony-hair. Maybe I can cut my mom's off while she's sleeping. She's always had nice volume. Now that the dumb game's done, the possibilities are endless.

**Dial M for Merger [2.16]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=17)]

 **Loki** : _[Confessional]_ And that's the only million Jane will ever see. _[Gets out his PDA]_ My lawyers are working on it right now.

_[Wanda tries using the doorknob to get in the competition’s trailer, and a camera scans her face.]_

**Voice** : Intruder alert! Entry denied!

_[The stairs dissolve, and it sends Wanda falling down a hole. Tony comes over.]_

**Tony** : What the?! _[A tranquilizer dart hits him, and he passes out and falls in the hole]_

 **Loki** : Goosey!

 **Bruce** : Goosey?!

_[A bowler hat knocks Loki out; he falls in the hole. The others gasp]_

**Thor** : Run for cover!

_[Jane, Darcy and Thor take refuge in the other trailer; Bruce tries to follow, but the door closes on him.]_

**Darcy** : What's happening?! Are we gonna die?

 **Bruce** : _[in confessional]_ I used to think producers were mean. But now I think they're trying to kill us! If you ask me, it's a conspiracy to- _[An intern knocks him out by hitting him in the back of the head with a nightstick]_

_[Thor, Darcy, and Jane are trapped in a trailer]_

**Thor** : Hey, where's Bruce?

 **Darcy** : We're all gonna die!

 **Thor** : Darcy, it's gonna be alright. Just focus on my calming beauty, and my soothing complexion. _[Darcy cries her eyes out]_ Ah! I'm hideous!

 **Jane** : Oh no! This is not happening to me!

_[a gas bomb is thrown inside, and Thor, Darcy, Jane get knocked out]_

**Thor** : _[after Darcy elbows him in the eye]_ My eye! My beautiful, un-insured eye!

 **Darcy** : I'm so sorry! Are you okay? _[Darcy touches his elbow]_

 **Thor** : Ah! I bruise easier than a clingstone peach. Must prevent swelling... I need ice! Ice! _[Thor runs away, then looks at himself in a mirror]_ I... am... a hideous beast! No one will ever hire me now! My modeling career is over! I'll have to go work in the circus as one of those... circus freaks.

**Nick** : One last thing, since I am so ho-hum bored of the teams, I'm busting them up! From now on, it's every dude and dudette for themselves!

**Tony** : _[As Loki jumps over the lasers]_ If I were a wolf, I'd howl! Ah, what the heck! _[Howls]_

**Nick** : Three, Two, One! _[blows raspberries]_ Suckers!

**Super Hero-ld [2.17]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=18)]

 **Nick** : Where are your tights?

 **Tony** : I don't do spandex, I'm The All-Seeing Eye, and I've got psychic powers. I can see into the future.

 **Bruce** : Yeah, right.

 **Tony** : Bruce is about to experience a painful life lesson. _[punches Bruce in the arm]_

 **Bruce** : Ow!

 **Nick** : Even I saw that one coming. Two points.

_[After Loki insulted Wanda as Wonder Woman]_

**Wanda** : Loki just stepped on my invisible jet!

 **Nick** : Loki, minus two points for stepping on Wanda's jet.

 **Loki** : What?

 **Bruce** : Can I have a ride?

 **Wanda** : Sure! Who wants a ride in my invisible jet?

**Bruce** : Top that, All-Seeing jerk!

 **Tony** : _[grabs Bruce by the cape; threateningly]_ You may have forgotten that my _real_ superpower is being able to cream dorks like you!

**Bruce** : There is no way I am voting off Jane. We're supposed to have an alliance with her, Tony. We should vote you off for a reason.

 **Tony** : Pals before gals, Bruce? We're outnumbered, and if you don't do anything I say, I'll tell Jane that you pick your nose in your sleep.

 **Bruce** : You do have circumstantial evidence at best.

_[Jane gets voted off by Loki, Bruce, Thor, and Tony]_

**Jane** : You guys voted for me?

 **Bruce** : _[cries]_ I'm sorry. I didn't know if I could trust you, but I made a big mistake. A big mistake.

 **Jane** : Awwww, honey-pie, don't you worry. I made a mistake once too. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

 **Bruce** : Do you forgive me?

 **Jane** : Come here, sugar baby. Jane's got a whole lot of love. _[gives Bruce a hug]_

**Aftermath III [2.18]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=19)]

 **Bucky** : Steve thinks we need to bring more insanity to the show. _(Steve glares at him)_ I mean profanity. _(Steve punches him)_ Okay, okay, more humanity. He thinks I've gone way too over the top. But then, so have our ratings!

**Steve** : You don't have to do this, Peter.

 **Bucky** : So, Peter...

 **Peter** : AAAH! _[talks about his childhood flashback]_ In the third grade, I cheated on my math exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Ben’s toupee and glued it to a goat's butt at the petting zoo. In fifth grade, I knocked my crush MJ down a flight of stairs and blamed it on my best friend Ned. When my mom sent me to summer camp for fat kids and they served us lunch, I pigged out, and the rest of the camp had nothing to eat for an entire week. But the worst thing I've ever done... I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and went to school and hid the puke in my jacket. And then I made a noise like this _[makes retching noise]_ and I dumped it all over-

 **Steve** : Peter! I don't think that's what Phil meant. _[shows people in VIP section smiling; almost as if they're about to laugh]_

 **Peter** : What other kind of truth is there?

**Bucky** : Natasha, do you think Loki's a worthy competitor?

 **Natasha** : No. _(gets electric shock)_

 **Bucky** : Do you think Wanda's as dumb as she looks?

 **Natasha** : Yes. _(gets electric shock)_

 **Bucky** : Do you think Darcy could be a threat?

 **Natasha** : Darcy? Absolutely not! _(gets electric shock)_

**Jane** : Truth is I like Bruce! A lot. Sure, there's a part of me that can't resist those little man biceps of his - who could? But we're friends, which is how we're keeping it.

**The Princess Pride [2.19]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=20)]

 **Thor** : No, I am a noble gentleman, a brave knight, a handsome prince. I would never hurt a lady. Or family.

 **Bruce** : Although a guy who's working with you is apparently fair game!

 **Thor** : I said I was sorry, Bruce. I refuse to raise a sword to Loki. I give up any chance at immunity to spare him. And now... _[leans in, expecting a hug from Loki]_

 **Loki** : Sorry, Thor. I just can't let immunity go. You understand. _[pushes Thor off the tower with sword]_

 **Thor** : I forgive you, my prince! _[falls and hits the castle backdrops and then, lands painfully on the ground]_ I'm okay.

 **Nick** : Loki wins immunity, again!

_[Thor got eliminated because Loki pretended to agree to be his brother to get him to throw the final part of the challenge to earn invincibility for Loki as well as tensions between Thor, Tony, and Bruce.]_

**Nick** : So, with immunity, Loki is the first to win a Gilded Nick.

 **Loki** : _[Catches the Gilded Nick, then feels the pain]_ Ow.

_[It's revealed that Darcy was pinning the Princess Loki doll.]_

**Darcy** : I think he felt that! Cool!

 **Wanda** : Get his elbow!

 **Nick** : Before we continue the awards though, I have some news. Loki's lawyers called and demand an 80% of all the profits of the Princess Loki merchandise. So not gonna happen! So, we're renaming them after the only other contestants with long dark hair left in the competition. Darcy! _[Darcy squeals excitedly and hurries onstage]_ You get your very own Princess Darcy doll. And the contract stating you get 0% of the Princess Darcy profits. Along with a Gilded Nick award. You live another week!

 **Darcy** : _[Squeals]_ Fairytales do come true! _[Notices something]_ Oh my gosh! _[runs off]_ Take the pins out!

 **Nick** : Also still in the competish. Wanda! Eh. Bruce! _[Thor and Tony are the bottom two]_ Who will lived happily ever after? And who will die penniless? And the last Gilded Nick goes to... Thor! Tony, you're out.

 **Loki** : _What_?! This is an outrage! Thor should be going home!

 **Nick** : Yeah, you're right. I was just kidding. Thor's actually the one who's been eliminated! _[Gave Tony the last Gilded Nick]_

 **Tony** : _[to Loki, smirking]_ An "outrage," huh?

**Thor:** Loki? _[Loki’s on his PDA and he waves]_ Darcy? Wanda?

 **Wanda:** Princess Darcy is so cute.

 **Thor:** Is no one even going to miss me?

 **Tony:** Ciao.

 **Bruce:** See you in the funny papers. Farewell! Auf Wiedersein. Don't let the door hit you in the...

 **Thor:** Okay, stop already! I'm going, but you'll regret it. With me gone, things have started to become 80% less handsome. _[bumps his head on the door]_ Ow! Alright, 79!

**Get a Clue [2.20]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=21)]

 **Wanda** : _(Annoyed when Loki undermines her contributions)_ I was the one who said Nick was giving us hints!

 **Darcy** : _(Soothingly)_ You did, sweetie.

**Loki** : What's my prize!?

 **Nick** : _[British Accent]_ I don't recall having mentioned any sort of prize... _[Normal Voice]_ but thanks for releasing me; it was getting stuffy in here.

 **Loki** : You're not smoking, are you?

 **Nick** : What! Oh no! Of course not! _[swallows his pipe]_

 **Loki** : Ew.

 **Nick** : What? It's chewing tobacco!

 **Bruce, Wanda, and Darcy** : Ew!

 **Nick** : Nah! Just kidding, it's black licorice.

 **Everyone** : _Ew!!_

 **Nick** : Yeah, you're right; this stuff's disgusting.

 **Loki** : I am going to get a prize I promise you that.

**Nick** : It's not prize time yet.

 **Loki** : Make it prize time!

 **Nick** : I'm trying to do my job here.

 **Loki** : Maybe I should get my lawyers to do their job.

 **Nick** : Moving on...

 **Loki** : I want a prize. I want a prize! I _want a prize_!

**Loki** : _[frustrated that Wanda won the challenge]_ No! This isn't fair! I won two portions, already! I was the one who knew you weren't dead! She couldn't even tell the difference between a human being and a rubber dummy! Besides, I didn't do it! I'm innocent!

_[Wanda unhooks Tony from the restraints after winning the challenge.]_

**Darcy** : Look, I'm obviously a little old for make believe. But Loki would not have been someone I invited over to my pretty pretend palace, ever. He'd always want to be the daddy, the doctor and the prime minister of all my dolls, and they won't like that one bit! I mean, wouldn't. If I still played with them. Which I don't.

**Loki** : _[Confessional, furious after Wanda chose Tony to go to the movies with her]_ Who cares? Not me! I couldn't care less! Not if I try to care less! I do not care! _[screams]_

**Wanda** : _[Bonus confessional]_ Going to the movies with Tony? It reminded me of ordering _[holds up a soda and a bucket of popcorn]_ the "Mega-Combo" at the movies. At first, you think it's gonna be fun. Loki's losing his mind, Tony is "pretty okay" most of the time, the butter's glistening off the popcorn, good, right? _[eats the popcorn and dumps the rest out of the bucket]_ But by the time the previews are over, you've eaten half the bucket, _[pours out the soda]_ finish the drink, and you're feeling a little bit sick. _[burps and covers her mouth in avoiding to barf]_

**Rock 'N Rule [2.21]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=22)]

 **Nick** : A few things that every certifiable rock god needs to know that I can talk about: You need to know how to rock out on the guitar, work the paparazzi, and trash a hotel room. Yeah! Any questions?

 **Wanda** : Why is Peter eating my popcorn?

 **Peter** : _[reappears and laughs]_ Hey everybody!

 **Everyone** : Peter?

 **Nick** : Peter! You were supposed to wait for your cue; what is wrong with you?

 **Peter** : I was hungry! And when I'm hungry I forget everything except what my tummy is telling me. _[in confessional]_ Me and my tummy are very close, we'd be even closer if it weren't for my chest.

 **Nick** : Peter! Get lost! Until I get you your cue! _[Peter runs off]_

_[Peter returns to the game after his elimination]_

**Peter** : Hi everyone! I just can't help myself!

 **Wanda** : Yay Peter! _[Peter hugs her]_

 **Darcy** : Hi Peter! _[Peter hugs her]_

 **Tony** : Hey man!

 **Bruce** : Good to have you back! _[Peter hugs him and Tony]_

 **Nick** : Fine Peter! Fine!

 **Loki** : Hello? Not fine. No way Peter is allowed back. I had to file a lawsuit to get back on this show. I'm contacting my lawyers.

 **Nick** : You're not the only one with lawyers; Peter also filed a lawsuit...and won. His jaw was busted by Sharon and he was unfairly kicked off the show. Is that good enough for ya?

_[after Tony wins the first challenge]_

**Tony** : Watch and learn, baby doll. Maybe one day you'll be able to rock as hard as me.

 **Loki** : _[Hits him in the crotch with his guitar and he screams in pain]_ That hard enough, _baby doll_?

**Loki** : _[Confessional, furious after Wanda won the second challenge]_ I hate, hate, hate losing! So, when Wandiot won, it took all my years of transcendental meditation to keep it together. _[screams]_.

**Peter** : _[sees Wanda jumping on the bed in the final challenge.]_ Oooh, that looks like fun! _[Peter then cannonballs onto the bed, landing on Wanda in the process.]_

 **Wanda** : _[is in the confessional, after Peter lands on her trying to jump on the bed. She is fine, but disheveled.]_ _That was so terrifying_! I saw my life flash before my eyes! It looked a lot like Peter's butt.

_[Wanda accidentally votes for herself and is eliminated in a 3-2-1 vote.]_

**Darcy** : But, Wanda? Bruce and I voted for Tony.

 **Nick** : Thought so. In fact, what happened is a first for the show. A contestant accidentally voted themself off.

 **Wanda** : What?!

 **Nick** : Take a look, unlike me, the camera never lies. _[shows a video clip of Wanda voting herself off as everyone gasps and Tony laughs]_ Wanda, it's time to say sayonara. _[short pause, with Wanda staring at him blankly]_ That means goodbye.

_[Wanda sadly gets up and walks to the limo]_

**Darcy** : _[runs up]_ It's my fault. I distracted you. And now you've lost your chance at the million!

 **Wanda** : _[brightening up]_ Don't worry. Friends are worth _way_ more than money.

 **Darcy** : Wanda, that's the sweetest thing anyone said all season.

 **Wanda** : Really?

 **Darcy** : Totally.

**Crouching Loki, Hidden Peter [2.22]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=23)]

 **Bruce** : There are so many fighting styles to choose from. Monkey, tiger, chicken, dolphin. _[squeaks like a dolphin]_

**Peter** : _[after challenge, trying soup made of seven deadliest fish being served]_ Ooh, tastes like... poisonous... _[his throat swells up]_ _Blowfish_. _[faints]_

**Tony** : _[Bonus confessional with a cold tuna steak covering his black eye]_ Yeah, Bruce banished me from the sushi feast, one of the perks of winning the reward. Can you believe how _fast_ the student became the teacher? Little twerpwad did me proud.

**2008: A Space Peter [2.23]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=24)]

 **Loki** : Tony, can I have your pillow? Mine floated off somewhere.

 **Tony** : No can do, babe. I already gave it to DUM-E.

_[After Darcy took a ride in the Vomit Comit, Loki forfeited and Darcy won immunity.]_

**Nick** : Last chance, Loki! Ride the Vomit Comet now, or risk a ride in the Lame-O-Sine later?

 **Loki** : Uh-Uh! No way! I forfeit!

 **Nick** : Well, then! In light of Darcy's willingness to get her feet wet. So to speak! I declare her the winner of today's challenge!

 **Darcy** : Yes!

_[Loki and Darcy get in a fight in the cabin after Darcy won immunity]_

**Bruce** : I, too, love a catfight, but only between actual cats wearing tiny boxing gloves.

 **Loki** : I can't believe you went against me like that!

 **Darcy** : You deserved it for being so mean and bossy towards me!

 **Loki** : Oh, if that's how you feel, this alliance is over!

 **Darcy** : Fine!

 **Loki** : Fine!

_[Bruce got eliminated because Peter voted for him to keep himself covered, since he had been caught by Bruce. Tony also voted for him after he squished DUM-E.]_

**Nick** : And five will soon become four as we bid farewell to another cast member. Everyone! Cast your votes!

 **Tony** : This'll teach you to mess with my DUM-E! _[votes for Bruce]_

 **Bruce** : Bye-bye, traitor! _[votes for Peter]_

 **Peter** : Bruce's on to me, I know it! _[votes for Bruce]_

 **Darcy** : The alliance is over! _[votes for Loki]_

 **Loki** : _[To the viewers]_ Back off! There's a reason why this is called secret voting, people.

 **Nick** : And the Gilded Nick goes to... Darcy, Peter, Tony, and... Loki. _[throws the final Gilded Nick to Loki]_ Sorry Bruce, your limousine awaits.

 **Tony** : Get on with it, Doris! _[Bruce runs to Tony, and pulls his pants down, Sharon grabs Bruce]_ I kinda had that coming.

 **Bruce** : Fifth place?! But Peter's the traitor! You've gotta watch that guy like a hawk! _[Sharon tosses Bruce into the Lame-o-sine]_ No wait! A falcon! Their eyesight is way superior.

 **Darcy** : Goodbye, Bruce. I'll wait for you.

 **Bruce** : Haven't I suffered enough?

 **Nick** : We'll see about that.

**Top Dog [2.24]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=25)]

 **Peter** : _[farts and wakes up]_ Wait, no pillow whipped at my head? No angry threat to stick a cork in it? _[gasps and stands up]_ Where's Tony?!

_[cuts to Tony entering the trailer, groaning]_

**Peter** : Where were you all night? An alien abduction? It was, wasn't it?! You were subjected to an endless night of alien probing! Oh, the humanity!

 **Tony** : Chill, Peter, I spent the night in Loki's trailer.

 **Peter** : Really? What did you two do all night? Come on, come on!

 **Tony** : Down boy! We talked. About relationship stuff, mostly. _[Takes out contract]_

 **Peter** : Dude, Loki gave you...homework?

 **Tony** : _[in confessional, holding the stack of papers]_ Loki wrote me a thirty-two-page letter outlining all my faults and how to correct them if we're ever going to have a serious relationship. All of which he expects me to memorize! I think I would have preferred a night of alien probing.

**Loki** : _[After Tony has gone insane and shoots a rock at Darcy]_ Lord of the Flies, much?

_[Darcy and Loki look at the message on Loki's PDA, realizing that Bruce was indeed telling the truth about Peter, being Nick's mole]_

**Darcy** : Bruce was right!

 **Loki** : Cheater!

 **Darcy** : I trusted you!

 **Peter** : I accidentally toot!

**Nick** : This is a big one, cast. Darcy is safe from elimination, which means the rest of you are fair game. So, sharpen those claws and cast your votes. Someone is going home for the last time!

 **Darcy** : Peter betrayed us... but Loki's the bigger threat! _[votes for Loki]_

 **Peter** : I like Tony, but Darcy and Loki eat less. More for me! _[votes for Tony]_

 **Loki** : See you never, traitor! _[votes for Peter]_

 **Tony** : _[snores, then wakes up, unnoticeably votes for Loki]_ Huh?

 **Nick** : The Gilded Nick goes to... Darcy, and... Tony! Loki, since Darcy and Tony both voted for you, it's time for your ride home! Peter, I'll deal with you in a moment.

 **Loki** : _What_?! Tony voted for _me_?! _Ugh_! _[Tosses away his voting device]_

 **Tony** : _[in confessional]_ Court's popularity's in the toilet; I can't have him dragging me down. But the real reason? The thirty-two-page letter. And people call _me_ psycho!?

 **Loki** : _[As he’s forced in the Lame-O-Sine]_ How could you do this to me? After everything! We are so done!

_[Sharon closes the door. Tony and Darcy look at each other, and Nick leads Peter to the Lame-o-Sine]_

**Peter** : Uh, Nick? I think you forgot to give me my Gilded Nick Award...

 **Nick** : Sorry, Peter. You've been fired.

 **Peter** : But... whyyyy?

 **Nick** : _[pushes Peter into the Lame-O-Sine, while Loki is shouting indistinctive in the limo]_ What's the point of having a spy who's already been spied?

**Mutiny on the Soundstage [2.25]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=26)]

_[Darcy and Tony are the finalists of the season]_

**Darcy** : I never thought I'd be the last girl left on _Total Drama Action_! Yep, now it's just me...all alone...in the scary trailer...I miss all my girls, even Natasha! _[teeth chatter]_

 **Tony** : _[hears Darcy's teeth]_ Ugh! It's Darcy chattering again! With a face like that, I'd be scared too, right guys? _[no answer]_ Right... nobody left to laugh at my excellent zingers. The good news is there's also no one left to reek up the trailer with jungle breath, nobody to wake me up with screaming night terrors - "Mommy! Mommy!" - and nobody with any chance of taking my guaranteed million away. _[hears Darcy]_ Put a blindfold on, loser! Man, I'm never gonna get to sleep. _[a bomb is placed in Tony's trailer causing him to pass out]_ What the?

 **Darcy** : Did you say something, Tony? _[a bomb is placed in Darcy's trailer causing her to pass out]_

**Darcy** : I'm everyone's friend! I like everyone, and they like me!

**Darcy** : _[When she finds out Nick is upset about Sharon leaving]_ Have you thought about being nice? Works for me sometimes!

**Sharon Carter** : What color is Loki thinking of?

 **Tony:** Right now! Are you serious? Ohhhh. I don't know, green?

 **Loki:** _[in separate room outside set]_ Burnt sienna! Ugh, he doesn't know anything about me!

**Steve and Bucky** : And the winner is...

_[everyone looks on in admiration, until both Tony and Darcy come in at the same time]_

**Steve** : It's a... tie?

 **Bucky** : So, um, what exactly are we gonna do about the million dollars?

_[The others are shocked or upset about the results]_

**Aftermath IV [2.26]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Total_Drama_Action&action=edit&section=27)]

 **Nick** : _[singing]_ ♪ I stand against the wall, waiting for you to ask me to dance. My heart is in your hands. Ooo, ooo, ooo. ♪

 **Nick** : The Season Two Total Drama Winner is... Tony!

 **Tony** : _[laughing triumphantly]_ _Ahahaha yeah_!!!

 **Loki** : _[runs up and hugs him]_ We're rich!

 **Tony** : Whoa-ho-ho-ho, not so fast, babe. Who said I'd share anything with you?

 **Loki** : _[kisses Tony, who subsequently looks content]_ Every king needs a queen.

 **Tony** : "King," huh? That doesn't sound so terrible... _[they continue kissing]_


	16. Source: Bob's Burgers season 07

**Flu-ouise [7.01]**

**Loki** : Fenrir, you do not want that flu bug. I had it and it gave me weird fever dreams. I dreamt I was in a book club with my cousin Baldur, but he was a werewolf.

 **Bruce** : Classic!

_(Air horn blares)_

**Tony** : Jeez, I thought we took the air horn away from him.

 **Hel** : Did you hide it in your underwear drawer?

 **Tony** : Yes.

 **Hel** : We know about the underwear drawer.

 **Jor** : And about your underwear. Not-so-tighty-not-so-whitey!

**Sea Me Now [7.02]**

**Bruce** : You know that boat that I've been fixing up?

 **Loki** : Yoooou've mentioned it.

 **Bruce** : Well, I finally got her shipshape, and I thought it'd be fun to take you all out.

 **Fenrir** : Kill us?

 **Bruce** : No, take you out for a boat ride.

**Teen-a Witch [7.03]**

**Amora** : Ugggh! You've been a witch for what? Two days? Take it down a notch! You're playing with powerful forces; this is not kids’ stuff.

 **Hel** : I am powerful forces.

 **Amora** : Witch, please!

**They Serve Horses, Don't They? [7.04]**

**Pietro** : Notice anything different about me?

 **Tony** : No, thank you.

 **Pietro** : Eh? Eh? I'm tan! Just got back from a week in the Bahamas. We had a blast. Except for Wanda. She forgot to put on sunblock. Now she looks like a dog's ding-dong.

 **Hel** : Aw!

**Large Brother, Where Fart Thou? [7.05]**

_(Doorbell buzzes)_

**Loki** (whispering): We should build a fort with the cushions. That way, even if he gets in, he won't see us.

 **Pepper the Accountant** : Okay, but I'm still sad, so I want my own room in the fort to reflect and figure out where to go from here.

 **Tony** : You absolutely deserve that.

**The Quirkducers [7.06]**

**Fenrir** : How you doing girl?

 **Hel** : Um, not great. I feel like my soul has diarrhea.

**The Last Gingerbread House on the Left [7.07]**

**Loki** : Maybe we should just pack it in. Go home and drink the kind of hot coco that's wine.

**Ex Mach Hel [7.08]**

**Jarvis** : They're looking for a student to participate in their Robotic Mobility Program. Or rump for short.

 **Hel** : Rump? I'm listening.

**Tony Actually [7.09]**

**Receptionist** : Sorry ballroom's been cancelled. The teacher just waltzed out of here. Get it? I'm kidding. She died.

 **Science Teacher** : Ok class, today we're going to dissect a banana. We only have 2, so get into groups of 13.

**There's No Business Like Mr. Business Business [7.10]**

**Hel** : Maybe this is our wake-up call. We should stop eating cat food.

 **Jor** : I have been throwing up on the rug.

 **Tony** : So, let's do it. We'll have a normal day where we don't think about cat food at all.

 **Hel** : Everyone ready to go to the cat food audition today?

 **Fenrir** : Oh, damn it. Atta girl.

**A Few 'Gurt Men [7.11]**

**Loki** : And we can't forget the most important role of all-Hel the juror!

 **Hel** : With great jury comes great responsibility.

**Like Jor for Chocolate [7.12]**

**Jor** _(after eating new-style chocolate)_ : No, no, no, eh, eh, bleh! _(falls on the floor)_. WHY?! Why, why, why, why, why?!

 **Hel** : So not great?

 **Jor** : Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!

 **Hel** : So, what's the verdict?

 **Clerk** : Hey, hey, hey, hey, kid, you got to pay for that.

 **Jor** : Why would they do this to me? Why would they change [Chunky Blast Offs](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Chunky_Blast_Offs&action=edit&redlink=1)? And where's van Doom? _(grabs checkout desk_ ). I want my usual convenience store checkout guy!

 **Clerk** : Victor joined the [Peace Corps](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peace_Corps).

 **Jor** : NOOOOOO!

**The Grand Mama-Pest Hotel [7.13]**

**Hel** : I'm going to bed. I don't remember which room I'm in but I'm sure I'll recognize the door.

 **Tony** : She's going to be wandering around up there all night.

 **Fenrir** : Yup, she belongs to the hotel now.

**Peter** : I still can't believe your papa. Those were some crazy smother mother moves last night.

 **Hel** : Yeah. Give me some space.

**Aquaticism [7.14]**

**Loki** : I like sandwiches.

 **Tony** : You smell like you do.

 **Loki** : You smell interesting too. You own a toothbrush, or are you still shopping around?

**Ain't Miss Debatin [7.15]**

**Phil** : Now we need to find some passion in your delivery. What really gets you going?

 **Hel** : You mean what makes me tick?

 **Phil** : What makes you tick-tick-tick explode? Think of things that get you mad. I think of when they canceled Firefly. You try.

 **Hel** : I guess it makes me mad that they call it your bottom when it's in the middle.

 **Phil** : Okay.

 **Hel** : Or why do horseshoes only come in one style? Why can't they have horse sandals?

 **Phil** : Find your Firefly, come on.

 **Hel** : I got a Canadian quarter in change. It's worthless unless I take a special trip to Canada to buy gum. _[groans]_

 **Phil** : You'll get there.

**Tony** : It's the best movie of meat dancing and then its head falling off that I've ever seen. Since Magic Mike.

**Natasha** : Hel, you seem to have noticed Bucky, our exchange student from somewhere.

 **Bucky** : New Zealand.

 **Natasha** : Right. It's so far away that Bucky went through puberty on the plane.

 **Bucky** : It's true. I got pit scrubbies and other scrubbies, a couple of chesties. Oh, a new one. Want one?

 **Hel** : Um, one of your chesties?

 **Bucky** : Yeah. They just twist off. Want me to twist you off a chestie?

 **Hel** : Yes? I-I mean no. No. No.

 **Bucky** : Natasha, you want one?

 **Natasha** : Yeah, I'll take one.

**Bucky** : Buttle Rubbies.

**The Laser-inth [7.18]**

**Hel Silver** : What are dinner dolls?

 **Wanda** : You need a doll to eat here. Like some restaurants say jacket required, or ma'am that bathing suit needs a bottom.

**Scalper** : On this paper, you'll find a phone number. It's the direct line to the concession stand inside. Call it, and when the guy picks up, give him the pass phrase.

 **Tony** : What's the pass phrase?

 **Scalper** : The pass phrase is _(whispering, rattled coughing)_

 **Tony** : Oh, God.

 **Scalper** : Word to the wise: two guys work at the concession stand. One is cool, the other is not.

 **Tony** : Okay. Um, what are their names?

 **Scalper** : They're both named Nick.

 **Tony** : Oh. Nice.

 **Scalper** : If the uncool Nick answers, hang up right away.

 **Tony** : How are we supposed to know which Nick we're talking to?

 **Scalper** : You'll know the cool Nick, 'cause, you know, he sounds cool.

 **Tony** : Okay.

 **Scalper** : Another word to the wise.

 **Tony** : Mm.

 **Scalper** : The uncool Nick knows we do this, so sometimes he tries to sound cool, and he's very good. It's almost impossible to tell the difference.

 **Tony** : Oh, my God.

**Paraders of the Lost Float [7.21]**

**Tony** : Wait, I know how we can get back in front of Pietro.

 **Loki** : Tony, it's not a race.

 **Tony** : That's right, it's not a race Lokes. It's a war.

 **Jor** : It's a race war.

 **Tony** : Jor.

**Into the Mild [7.22]**

**Wade** : Quick question: how big is your crotch?

 **Tony** : What?

 **Wade** : For your harness. You look like a medium, but I don't want to assume.

**Author's Note:**

> Like with all the chapters in this series, if you like how it's working, comment below, and I might write an AU of these characters in this setting!


End file.
